Only God Knows..

its been awhile since I wrote here. this site is not very friendly to explorer... but its working well now with it.
So many things have happened since I last wrote. So many changes. I am working on acceptance now. Seeing things happen in my life that I do not like. things tha tI cannot control, but they happen, and I must react to them. I hope I can learn to react with class and a spirit of love.

Things of the heart, that is the hardest changes to accept. Things that happen I guess for a reason. Only God knows. And He is not telling me much. Ive seen some tears, and I have felt the  ach of a dying dream within a heart. But if this is to come to pass, then so be it. Only God knows.

Things happen that we just do not understand. sigh. I hate that. But that is just how it is. So you surrender it, then you finally accept it...and then you must trust that this was Gods will for it to come to pass. Simple formula... but harder to implement. I wonder why things of the heart have to be so ...hard. ... so... passionate...ugh. I pray that God will harden my heart...and that way I wont feel so much.

I see the sunshine today... and it is a good thing. I am not sure what the day brings, or the weekend. and Thanksgiving Day is not far away. I must go forward. alone or otherwise.... but forward. There are so many things I am not sure of... only God knows.

Its harder some days than other days... some days your happy, and things look so good ahead. and some days... they are not good... and things look very bad ahead. I have not enjoyed alot of my experiences. But I guess there are a few things I have enjoyed. maybe that is me being negative. Maybe some "sunshine" person would say they have enjoyed most of their life experiences, but not all. Maybe I am a stormcloud person. ha. Only God knows just who and what I am.

Come on then. Come on world. Comeon day...weekend. life. Hit me with your best shot. I can do this. Im not sure why Im doing it.... or why this "season" ever started or ended. Only God knows.

Plan B.

Seems Ive been away a while. Life is an ever changing creature... and its turned on me again. took me a bit to get out from under it ..but here I am. Ive recently been forced to take a long hard look at myself, and notice some things that I do not like. Things that were said to me before by others... that rang a bell when repeated this time. I saw a pattern. patterns are a funny thing. reminds me of a quilt. No two seem to be alike.. okok its late, and my brain is more foggy than usual, so give me a break here. Things of the past, and things of the present... gave me a bit of a jump start recently. It is not a comfortable place. Its a hard place. But If I dont look at it .. and change something... then I will be in this same place in teh future too. Somebody buy me a tshirt. been there , done that.

Sometimes, things just dont look like they are supposed to. They look familiar. But they just dont turn out ...the way you intended. So what do you do then? Well, you can run away, or piss on it... and change it. chances are they wont ever be what you thought it shouldve been, but... is it something you can live with? Maybe even enjoy... get some use out of. Kind of like gettin married...in a train wreck. maybe you can even learn to love it.

The night is getting longer... (is that a song?), and my eyes are getting heavier. The fog in my head is not lifting tonight, but who cares, its not like anyone will read this crap anyway. lol. married in a train wreck, is that an old johnny cash song? 

Tonights dark walk, was accompanied by 3 cats, twinkling stars and a hey diddle diddle. ok i read that somewhere, I dont even know what a diddle diddle is. but I think it sounds kinda naughty. the slice of an orange moon hung low in the sw horizen. Clearly, if the kitty could ve talked to me he would have. I think he tried to. i still think cats are naughty aliens who were banned to earth as a cat. thus the hoity toity attitude. (no you just used to be better then me..now your just a stupid cat *kick*). God did not talk to me, like I was talking to Him, im sure id pee my pants if He did. Maybe thats why He dont? I dont have very many good pants. Thanks Lord. But I read where He made a donkey talk once. Im sure he could make that cat talk. My luck, it would be a stupid cat.

ok plan b. maybe c. but certainly not the original dream. Lets milk this alittle..and see if we love it. want it, need it. i know thats a song dang it. a song is stilla song, a dance is still dance. a kiss is still a kiss. in times like these. wait. surrender all. accept it... trust Him.

thinking

Someday.. when you stand at the edge, and look,  you see the sight in front of you...and wonder what or if, or why, remember. Feel the crisp cutting edge of the wind as it whips under your collar, and blows your hair. Put your gloved hands in your coat pockets to get warmer. Look up. See the star I shared with you? the one I said was my star? Can you remember how to find it? It glows upon a background of dark blue hues and twinkles at you. Your days are numbered and you are much aware of it now. Do you remember now? It was your decision. All I did was love you. No matter what.


Now, as you face the uncertain future...isnt that the way futures are? You must face it without me. But it is ok to think... and remember. Remember what  you learned...and what you taught me. Embrace the memories. Do not resist the tear forming in your eye, or the smile ...faint as it is. Embrace, and remember.  Stand. It is hard, it is cold, it is lonely. But love endures. Do you remember now?  


Never again allow the past to determine your present, and future. Soak in this sight. Feel this moment. Allow this. Accept His blessing. He awaits you. Surrender. It is the only way.

cha cha cha changes....

You would think, by this time, and at this age, that nothing would surprise you. But thats just not how it is. I am still amazed and dumfounded at just how well I dont know someone! People are such interesting creatures, capable of such astounding feats, and behavior. There are atmospheres of spirit in which each one does the t hings that they do. A spirit of love, a spirit of hate, one of selfishness, etc. From these different perspective, come the fruit of their actions. I often question my own spirit... especially when I react strongly to any situation. I remember Christ reacted strongly in a few situations, so I guess if its the right time, its ok. I have had a good time in many ways..perspectives... the last few years. I have been blessed. 


I guess change is inevitable. I suppose if God wanted me to change a direction, and I was not open to it...He might cause something to happen to funnel me in that direction. If I am going to be hardheaded and closed to Gods direction, I hope I will survive the funneling process without too much pain. But you know.. getting squeezed into that little tube can be painful. think about it. 


Im sure glad He still gives me a quiet time. He simply wont allow me to sleep. presto. quiet time. I agree Lord to have a daily quiet time. Now would you give me a full nights sleep every night? Tonight..or rather this mornings quiet time on the back porch was nice. protected from bugs, and pesky cats, i listened to the night sounds. The locusts were loud, and an occasional coyote. the sounds of a kitty playing on the hammock. That was amusing. And my quiet talk with Him, surrendering all that is within me. One says they surrender... but do they really? Its not really about what I want anymore. It is about what He wants for me. I try to keep this in front and focused. An ice tea, a rocking chair, and a nice back porch. Thank you Lord.


Friday is here. Although there will be some unpleasantness today, I know that I will overcome as that is what I do. "For we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us". I think Im close to that scripture. Friday is nice. It always has been to me. I call it "date nite". 


The sun is coming....the sky has changed, even as I have typed this. The stars were beautiful, but now comes the  day. Change. I supposed it has to happen. Good... bad.... then good again... or maybe none of it is good or bad. Maybe it is all just a perspective. And we see it as good or bad. Maybe it is just... what it is. Change. I have asked God for some things...and was denied. It hurt. Sometimes it hurt alot. But later, I discovered, that the "change" was better for me...better than I could have known. I will remember this. 

weekend discoveries

good evening world. it was a weekend of growth, and discovery. Over the last 3 days, I have seen water and waves crashing on the rocks, girls in bathing suits..(always a good thing), electric carts, sea doos, fishing rods. Ive seen young people inside of old bodies. Ive seen the tears in the eyes of an old man when he talked of the past, and of love. I tasted good food. Had good kisses. I saw smiles, and heard laughter.  all in all, it was a good weekend.


now to more serious matters.  you know those very thin shorts that men wear...with the "liner" inside of them? you know... the kind your not supposed to wear underwear with? They are pretty comfy, IF you can keep your thighs from rubbing together when you walk, and IF you can manage to go tinkle w/o dribbling a spot on the front of your shorts. whoever designed those stupid things, made them to wehre if one little drop of anything...gets on the front of your shorts, it just spreads to like...4 times the size. and you think HOW could that big spot come from one drop of something? so you better be thru takin your whizz completely, cuz you know that shirt your wearing does NOT cover the spot you now have on the front of your shorts ...cuz you ..um... cuz you leaned on the wet counter of the sink. yeah! thats it. wet counter dangit. who did that??? ugh. now it looks just like I pissed my shorts. humph!!  oh..and whats the secret to walking in flip flops or sandels..and NOT getting a little rock in your shoe... especially the sandels. you cant get that little sucker out of...so you walk a few steps..and shake your foot... and walk a few steps..and shake  your foot. looks like you have tourettes syndrome or something. ok I didnt spell it right. but you see..what I mean!  and how many cookies is it ok to eat before  you are not noticed, and you can sleep without eating it twice before the night is out?


update on the aquisition of kittens: mandy and rango are still with me. they are loving ...toooooo loving.... and get a kick now and then type of kittys. the siomese twins ....well one is still with me. not sure where the other one is. and 4 kittys arrived today.... they were brought to me..let out...and ran off... in one second..and I never even saw them. maybe they are hiding in the tall grass or something. yes they have food and water.


so keep your eyes open...and  your ears listening...keep your mind open, and your heart ready to recieve....and maybe you will get alittle something you never thought you would. 

Its been awhile since I wrote in here. the year has been so busy. I go to bed exhausted..and remember that this is a good thing. ha. the grass and rain is good this year, but I am still recovering from the extreme drought from last year. I hope to buy hay soon in preparation for more cows. Im living day to day, as usual, and waiting for the roller coaster to take a turn. I watched the thunderstorm last night flash the night sky up most of the night. God sure was taking alot of pictures. The door from hell that I put up on the back porch is still up... so I guess it will not blow off after all. Some things are like that ya know....start out good, then poof. ice cream does that. its really good...then its...gone. okok i eat it. but it could melt dang it.


I harvested the first fruits of the garden. squash of course. I guess any dum klutz can grow that. Let the day come... and lets get through it with grace, peace and joy. let me see how much of that I can share with others I come into contact today. and when I cant do that... ill just arrest them. ha.

a beautiful sunset last night. That gate is in alot of my pictures.. it seems kind of symbolic some how, as the day ends, the gate is present. Thank you Lord for the blessings I have and that I can notice them now. 

Being Me.

The wind. it seems it never stops blowing. you can feel it whip under the brim of your hat. it blows your hair, and seeming blows right thru any clothes you wear. Today is one of those days you cant seem to get warmed up. Your bones are cold. your expression is grim, as you purposely look into the wind..as though you defy it. your not as young as you used to be. you have lived a thousand years. you give a bitter laugh, as you remember the times when you loved, and the times when you though you were loved. One day things are good. the next..things are not. one day your happy. the next... your life is changed. funny how another persons words spoken, can change your whole life in a matter of moments. "friends" need you..when times are hard for them... but they are not to be found when times are hard for you. Reality is as it is...in your mind. maybe. sometimes you can feel your heart harden, as you accept the fact that life is just one day after another. friendship is a front. they are just people..selfish people... playing a role. and expectations. lets not forget them. so many spend so much time caring, and living up to others expectations. I wonder why? Ive never understood this. For some reason they feel this need. Maybe it is how they feel accepted. *shrug*. I dont really need to feel accepted. Acceptance comes and goes. just like everything else.  the bottom line is... you do what you do because you want to do it. not for others. .. or for what you will get. you do it because it is for you to do. it is who you are. Sometimes in life you have to be distant. sometimes cold hearted. being warm and fuzzy is not realistic. but I guess there is a time for it. so what realistic? sunsets are. sunrises are. wind ...it always blows. days come and go. open the blinds in the mornings to see the sunshine come in. shut them at night so you wont see the darkness outside. for weeks. for months. for years. Living for your work is a foolish quest...and it is thankless. Then you die, and someone takes your place. there is no meaning, unless you can help the world be better...it will not have a lasting effect. 


So sometimes the road is sunny and hot, and long, and sometimes it is cold and snowy. It always seems lonely though. I wonder why that is.

Ive known people that are so social. They seem to attract people, and conversations, mostly they are pleasant. I hear them laugh, and see them smile. I know they feel many of the same things I feel. But they enjoy people. And people enjoy them. I wonder what it is like to be so liked? To have people see you, and cross the room just to talk to you? I wonder if they feel alone. probably not. but I think they are just as alone as I am. They just have mastered something that I have not. 


So you watch. you watch people. animals..you watch situations... you watch life.. you watch the days begin, and the days end. you watch your reflection change slowly as you age. And what is the meaning of it all? To recognize blessings I think... and enjoy them before they leave you. enjoy your season. for your life is just a season. each heartbeat within uncertainty of the next. each breath as ungaranteed as the next. Why spend your limited time in fear, or in worry. or living for others expectations? Go your way. Be your way. Maybe you will stand alone like me... and face the wind down, as you contemplate... or maybe someone will stand beside you, and allow you to laugh with them, and share a few smiles. Whatever the case, be true to you. Be who you are meant to be. Its not a bad thing. And if it turns out that being you is not so good...  you can stand alone too. Its the now of it... it is how it is. It will not last either. 

So.. new big fat letters. Maybe this will help me to see you better..*evil laughter*. Its finally a beautiful day in oklahoma. No tornadoes blowing people.. literally...away.. no heat waves, nor does the wind blow your logging chains away... its mild, sunny, and a beautiful blue sky with pretty white clouds.

Its a nice 75 deg... and what could be more perfect? I am trying the garden thing this year.. after wrestling my tiller...fixing flats, having one tire fall off! (Yes it fell off. Seems its hard to see that little hole in the axle...when your putting the bolt thru the wheel/axle... this getting old thing sucks. Im not used to having glasses fall down your nose, and suddenly your under a tractor or something, and both hands are tied up...and  your blind! ugh!)  and alittle engine work....im off to good tilling... Im planted and waiting a month to see something green besides weeds to pop up. I wonder why God made it so hard to grow something to eat? Maybe it had something to do with being thankful. 


This month I have heard from both old and current friends. It seems to be a time of remembering the past, and moving forward to the future. Boundaries are a good thing, they keep you safe. My last cat.. blackie died on the front porch. I am sad, but have a momma cat and her litter ready to pick up.. I hope they enjoy their new home. 


Sometiems words come to my mind and blogging is easy. ..and sometimes, they just dont come. this is one of those dont come days I guess. So Id best end thisone and start anew later. Heres to new beginnings, spring rains, flowers abloom, and new adventures with new love. heck even old love. can we throw some sex in there somewhere?before Im too old to do it?? okok. I did see a blue bird today. that must be a good thing. Now if 5 more join him, and start flyin around my head..thats a different story... but one is good.


later oh wise blogger thingy....

a new journey

Isnt it funny how things dont appear as they truly are, until later.. like youve stared at it until you see it? At first it is so pretty until you decide to pick it up. or the other way around, like when I picked up something in the dark laundry room ...and felt it was soft, not a piece of dog food I dropped. Turns out scorpions are soft. He was alittle slow on the sting, and I was quicker on the stomp.

 So just because you see a bed of roses, doesn't mean you should run barefoot over them. I guess journey ahead can be taken in different ways.... other then barefooted...I used to think that the important thing was that I was on the stupid journey! but I think I was wrong now.  you can travel it in diff ways....and some ways are better then others.

you can criticize each way, if its not your way, it s easier to criticize.  But sometimes you will see more of the fine details one way, vs the other. So heres to the future journey, and the next few turns. May they be adventurous rather then sad and hard. May they bring wisdom, joy and peace rather then chaos, and heartache.  

A new chapter, with new tears, new laughter, and a new ending.

Dont you just hate having to learn changes? Ok so dont click "see the new format or is it design"? if your using explorer while viewing this blog...if you do, then explorer wont work anymore, and youll have to download google chrome. Seems the road ahead is just lined with things like that...little surprises, that you have to over come and learn about...so you can go forward.


So it has rained alot...in fact about 6 inches here. everything is under water. The grass was about a foot high...in many places.. this includes the various weeds that have given birth..some of which may never of existed before...or at least thats how it looked...weird looking stuff. So i got bored, and put my mudboots on, and got the mower out. Yes I mowed. Yes it was wet. No i didnt get stuck. I put it in 4 wd..  and hit the high spots. the low spots were still under water. its a mess but I got it done.


i hope this works...and I can save it and pull it back up again next time i wanna blog. yes sirr reee... 4wd lawnmowers. Thats the kind you wear work gloves with when you steer... 


ok this blog is mainly an experiment..to see if it works with this new browser. heres crossin my fingers.

herbal secret mixes

ok..so im getting older. I cut a tree down the other day...and thought suck my own teeth down my throat I was breathing so hard. its been since my old "jack hammer" days since I sucked air that hard! So I decided I better seriously try something new.. and lose some weight. So Herbal Life... yep, I went down and gave away some cash.. for a bottle of this and a bottle of that, and you just pour this and that ina thingy, and hit the "crush ice and make a perfect shake" button. so it should come right out tasting like a freaking "A" butterfinger" shake! So..i drank the mysterious tea that burns the calories right off of you, and coats your "lower intestines where the'" blah blah blah is stored. Ok I kinda drifted off when he told that part... but I re established eye contact quickly, and I dont think he noticed. So.. i dranke the tasty tea, and followed it with a shake. I think that is the first time I ever in my life drank tea, and then chased it witha shake.

I got h\ome just intime to explode all over the crapper..well in it. I swear...my butt made noises that I ve only heard on tv. they kinda left that part out inthe sales pitch. I think some of that "stuff" has been in there since I was a teenager. I think the house will never smell the same, and I may have ruined a perfectly good crapper. Im sure i rusted out the rim.... I wonder if Herbal life has ever been sued for crapper lid replacements??  but I have a month of this stuff....(almost said crap ha.). and Im gonna learn it. Imma be the chef of shitshakes. i mean... umm. dietary vitamin fortified supplements.

Ok so it rained. and its still raining. theyre saying 6 inches??? wth?? comeon oklahoma .... cant you spread this out alittle bit? I hope everything flushes good in flood waters... too bad I didnt manage to get the garden tilled up...before the flood. next year Ill build a small ark...and place it out there.

just a glimpse ...

Rain. A peaceful slow drizzle..can you hear the drops hitting the metal roof you sit under? you can sense the place is old... just an old fashioned barn. Close your eyes, and hear the different sounds... the drip drip of the leak in the loft, the splat splat of the dripping on the sheet iron stacked nearby, and a dull thud each time a drop hits the brim of your hat.... and the soft sound of raindrops on an old barn roof.   You wonder how many times someone else has listened to thse same sounds? You can just see bales of hay, that long ago... someone stacked... and used. the old hay hooks still hang in plain sight...with an old hay fork.

it is times like these... that you wish you had that special someone ...that you connect with so well... that would appreciate what you are experiencing... and wonder the same things you are. Its a full moon. and the sky lights up like a flashlight. Your children are grown, and gone to live their own lives, Your dog is gone... and the 10 cats  you raised are all gone except blackie. Shes still here., never to far away. The cows are sold, the calves are absent.  You hope the rain continues so there will be grass and hay in the future. Sometimes life is like this. Passionate, but lonely. You feel your bones grow alittle older, and ache just alittle more each passing year. How many times have you seen that full moon come and go?

You know there will be hard tiems ahead. your determined to laugh as you live through them. at least alittle. You look forward to the little projects coming up... planting a garden... preparing flowers... things that keep your hands busy, and your mind at peace. It is better to live alone then to live with drama and that nagging woman will soon sound like the dripping but you can tget away from it.

It is good... good that you notice the smiles. .. good that you acknowledge the owl that hoots... the sunset that paints a pretty pciture for you, if only for a few moments, the first star to twinkle... the coyote that yells... and the soft thunder in the distance. Life is good. maybe it is better then  you think. Be careful what you pray for... and be aware of the blessings you have today. I have been blessed. I have loved. I have felt love. I have felt happiness, joy and thought I was skipping across the colors of the rainbow ..straight into sunrays from heaven. Such an array of experiences and feelings...

I hope my hat dont leak....hasnt yet.

projects, life and pinball machines.

well i had my how to light a cutting torch 101 course. a friend came over and showed me how to adjust the settings.. there are two on the handle... he told me to go from the bottom up. i can remember that... its just like a woman.. slap her bottom, then go up. yeah . I got this. then you adjust this and that, and when you squeeze the handel it blows oxygen thru and it cuts the metal when the metal is hot enough. exactly. just like a woman.  when shes hot enough.... bingo. so there. I got it. so I went about repairing, re bending, and even some light (very) welding. I was so proud... that I decided to fix the next little project... but the teacher..bless his little heart... failed to tell me to keep my hands BEHIND the torch. well. you guessed it. I moved my arm in front of it... and poof. burning flesh. Funny how fast flesh burns. Now I knew I was burned...but hey, I wasnt thru with my project. So I kept at it until it was done. Also remember not to wear the short gloves...wear the LONG ones dummy!  I guess its just like anything else... you do it... you think...ive got this... its just like... but its not so much.  my torch keeps popping..so something out of adjustment. maybe its like a bipolar woman... or one with anger issues... cuz it pops and pops..and makes all kinds of noise...but it works. so ..there. Ill learn to adjust it (the torch) later.  adjusting a woman is...welll... more complicated. So I welded the hay spike back together.. now to fnd out if it will actually lift a heavy round bale....w/o falling apart. oh yeah. I looked rugged. my leather gloves... my work boots... my little welding helmet... and one smoking arm. isnt that just the most rugged image. kinda like a lumber jack.. but with out an injured limb.

So the projects await me... and im eyeballin the flag pole. just putting a light on the flag I mean. it turns out there are several diff varieties of lights. a solar one, electric one, groundmounted, pole mounted or over head. jsut too many choices! the weather is first cold then hot then cold again.... i have the yard mowed and weedeated, ground broke for a garden...but now am wiating for mother nature to turn it warm again... to plant and fix the watering system for the flowers.

I think about the past, and what I have gone thru...and wonder if I can apply the lessons i learn so slowly to the present... maybe in the process, i can avoid say... burning the other arm off....or something special like that. Its true I tend to bounce off all the walls of any situation before I finally land. Like a ball in a pinball machine. Ill try not to "tilt", and score high... but dang it...i love to flip those flipper flappy thingys so much...So.. ill "ponder"... over these things... and try hard to avoid doing them again. I still wonder and think...of the ladies ive met in my past... and wonder and pray that they are doing ok, and are happy. I know I should not give a hoot. you know.. mean as I am and all. But I pray they are where they want to be. The time i had with each, was a time I was supposed to have, a time that I learned or taught something, and even the bad experiences were at least something that reminded me that im still alive and thinking, growing.....flippin those flipper flappy thingys. I swear im not going to do tha tso much in the future, and just roll right down to the bottom. its easier right? but on the other hand, you dont get to see the lights flash, and hear the noise.... and flip flip flappy so much either. soooo.....

Lets take a deep breath.... and pull the next pinball out..and letter go.

Today

Today is march... funny how the time just rolls along. I have long predicted a late winter...in march. But yesterday was 80 deg..and today promises another beautiful day. in fact, Im going to mow the yard today. I dont think Ive ever mowed in early march before...but here goes. Along wiht that comes the spring type chores, of weeding, planting, a garden prep, airing out the storm cellar... etc.  Going through the motions day after day, week after week, year after year... it is a good life, but it is still a solitary life. women are funny...they all seem to know what they want, until it is time to embrace it and be comitted to it. then... well... now lets think this over... maybe...ummm... not so much.

So whats the future hold? duteronomy (spelling) says "secret things are of the lord".. so..I will not be rebellious by whining about what they are.. Ill keep focused and enjoy today.

is anyone reading this?? or do I just write to the cyber waves.. like heat waves floating across a barren desert. doesnt matter I guess... i get it out. I do ok. I keep going. mostly. ha.  so i found that cows have gone sooooo high.... that ruth ann the bitch may be worth TWICE what she was.... dang it. I gotta get her knocked up. wonder what the neighbors bull is doing onfridays? hmmm. I could kick ass if I could only get those 17 head back....

so have a good day America. in my eyes, you are still a Christian nation, and Leave It To Beaver is not a porn movie, I can still ride my bike alone, and tapping my foot inthe bathroom alone only means I got one stuck. ONLY.

west coast swing and fuzzynavels.

well it was an interesting week, in training in okc . th emotel room was 1000 yrs old, and Im sure I saw signs of jimmy hoffa behind the curtain. Im not sure what that was, and I dont wanna know. So amidst the uncomfortable stay, and long boring classes, i found the chance for the ultimate awkward moment. I just couldnt stay in that room any longer so I opted for exploration. I saw a few gals, but I kinda liked the one that was waiting for me at home, so I decided to be a good boy, and just look around the place. I found a little dance hall..and I mean little... attached to the motel. Theres a bunch of cowboys...taking the training too. They all have their hats, and pretty gold badges hanging fromt their sagging shirt pockets..and as true to their nature, they acted like true rednecks. Well anyway, the little bar was nice, and I decided that since it was a smoking bar, that I would break out my pipe, that I hardly EVER smoke.. and puff on that. I had my leather jacket on...puffing my pipe when the waitress wanted to take my drink order. she said wow that tobacco really smells good.. and I told her I didnt drink so, dont laugh, but give me a fuzzy navel. Now fuzzy navels are a fruity kind of drink, and I dont taste the booze it it. I noticed the dancing was an odd style, and the waitress told me it was west coast swing. so im sitting there smoking my pipe drinking my fruity drink when these cowboys enter and sit. and one of em says..."WHAT the hell kind of music is that...they aint played a country song in an hour! whats that dancin their doin.... it looks kinda gay". thats when I did it. Im not sur what got into me...but I did it. I opened my mouth, and said.."thats the west coast swing". No one said anything... and I dindt think anything of it either....not until one of them got up and got himself a beer, and his buddy... a fuzzy navel. just like mine. thats when I relized what I must of looked like...smokin my pretty pipe with sweet smelling tabacco, in my leather coat, knowing all about west coast swing. heck they probably thought I knew how to dance it too. I thought the guy that got the drink was gonna get into a fight. lol. oh well... the drink was nice. so I finished, and left. What a solitary few days. the week got way better toward the end, but thats another story. Lets just say that impressions do not always mean what you think they do....you knw, judging a book by its cover and all that stuff.

I did get to do alittle 2 steppin with someone I care about. It was a nice memory, and it sorta capped last years memory...of a very similar experience. of course last year I coudlnt dance a lick, and now at least I can get around the little dance floor they had there w/o tripping over my feet. and I only kicked her boots a couple of times.

Acceptance, the final frontier.

its hard to know what goes on inside a person. or an animal. once I watched two dogs as they played together... they were close. One dog was killed by a car, as the other one lived untouched. She sniffed and stayed close by. She knew. I konw that inside, she hurt. She followed me as I took him, and buried him in the pasture. She knew my heart was heavy, but I know she was saddened. I could just sense it, see it... she would go back to that spot...where I buried him a time or two...but then... she just accepted it. Gone. Now what is here now? So she rolled on, as she was created to do. to face new adventures, to love a new love, to chase another rabbit...fetch another stick. Its too bad I cant be more like her... Sometimes I ignore the signs I read in others, especially if I am emotionally attached.

Once there was a man who fell in love (or so he believed) with a woman. She said the words he wanted to hear, and believed her. She ...well... she did not let herself adore him. She refused to submit herself to him, as she did not trust. She was afraid. If "love" comes from God, then I wonder how God would bless this couple? I cannot see how she could recieve a blessing from Him. It did not appear she trusted her man, or her God...or she would have immersed herself in both him and Him. But to stay "safe" ..she did not. ... which led to....no. no i wont. circumstances. single to long. set in our ways. all were phrases created to hide behind.... because lack of Trust in Him, creates fear of the best He has for you: love. real love. enduring, lasting, satisfying, love. To bad ....that when he saw this in her, he could not sniff, and accept.."gone", and just go forward to see what is next.

There are more days behind us, then there are left in front of us. How do you wish to spend them?

I wonder who is watching this "movie"? I hope they feel the things I want them to feel. and see what I see. the sunsets, the blue sky when theres not a cloud present, the thing that lives on...when something you loved is gone. what is that? I hpe they have a front row seat...maybe the end ...will tell ... the answers.

perspectives and rollercoaster rides.

fresh fallen snow... doesnt it look so ...pure, and white? As long as your looking out the window from a warm room and a fire nearby, its just beautiful. I remember standing in it as a kid with tennyshoes and breadsacks over my feet held up by rubber bands, and it was pretty nice then too. I suppose age, perspective and ones personal experiences can determine how one sees something.

For some the road ahead is like that... some see it as overwhelming, and others as an adventure. Some are just tired.... they could not renew their minds, and the disappointments just pulled them down. Sometimes I feel tired like that. But I know God can renew my mind, if I just focus and ask. Everything is change. Everything is growth, or lack thereof. Its just the way things seem to function. I know of only one thing that never changes...one thing that never waivers. One thing that you can really count on.... and no its not chocolate. I bet you can figure it out. "HE" never changes.

So this gray dreary day, started with pretty pure snow, and ends with dirty mud. Its like life ...its all how you see it. For now, (like I have a choice ha) Ill just live thru the day, and learn what I can from it. Ive thus far discovered that the little things in life, outweigh the bigger ones. Or so it seems from my corner...my perspective. smiles from children. memories that make you get lost within ...a mocking bird singing his little get on my last nerve heart out. fresh flowers blooming. the sound of honey bees havesting from the blooms of the mimos tree im sitting under. the blink of fireflies at night. Of course there are a few big things that happen. a wedding. a birth. but I guess the little ones just come faster and more often. I so get lost in that space... that quiet place.... where you just soak that up... and hope it lasts as long as it can. With chocolate.

I think God himself made chocolate. so... heres to the roller coaster ride (jermiah 33:3) im taking, and to what is around the next corner.

stupid weather

well its snowing. yes...snowing. yesterday was in the 50s. today its snowing. freaking oklahoma. will rogers said it best...."if you dont like the weather...just wait a minute".. ugh. Im sure that crazy ol cow.. which was dubbed "ruth ann", will surely love it knowing she has no hay. I bet that stupid butthole wishes she wouldve loaded with the rest of her buddies, instead of trying to kill me. but no... so this is what she gets. anyway, itllb e past and melted by end of tomrrow.

thomas the cat is not dead. he has returned to the house a few times, and then goes off again. He is still looking fat, and looks healthy. I guess his ninja practices in the field ...sneaking up on invisble enemies and pouncing on bugs has sharpened his skills and now he hunts nation wide. if anyone sees a pretty black and white tom cat, dont shoot him. he has one knarled up ear for some unknwon reason, but is very affectionate.

Thank God for the wood stove, and I hope He will now send a nice pretty woman to me EACH night for a life time. itll help if she can cook, and float my boat to the top too. It seems the fun loving woman I am dating now ...does not really want to make changes in her life and go forward to something more permanent. I dont think changes at my age is an easy thing. I dont want someone walking in, and stacking stff on the snack bar day after day, until itl looks like hoarders live here. it would drive me nuts. so God..please dont make her  a hoarder either. make her organized. and neat. yeah. I could lise some other things..but Im sure HE knows already.

well im falling asleep here. so thats its. let us sew aht monday brings. today was hard... and slow. sundays always are. I felt the need to slow down and connect to God somehow several times today.  I am prayerful for those in my past whom I have loved, that they are happy, and healthy. what more could I ask for them?

a window of time...

the moment has been frozen in time... it stands still, as though nothing can effect it. Its a small window of time..when everything seems to stop, and you wonderi fothers can feel it too? In this moment  you feel so much, and notice so many things.. your heart gets still...the world is stopped. your in between the ticks of the grandfather clock...in between your own heartbeats. You hear the things around you so well, and more then that, you feel so much in such a short time. It will be over soon... so what do you do in this short moment? Feel, soak up, wonder? pray.... hurt....so many things within your power. You remember everything... the way she smelled... the way she laughed. and her, and her. ha. and memories.... they cannot all fit. So you funnel the ones that hit you the hardest... after all, its only a window of time. In this magical instant, your spirit within you is quiet, and you recieve whatever there is that is knocking on your hearts door.  You wonder about your direction, but not for long. For you know that not everyone can feel this, or even know what your talking about.

and then the next heart beat sounds within you. And it is over. the tv is noisy again, and real life is back. you hear a text. and the dryer buzzer goes off. but in your mind, just for a moment...you can still feel how it felt.... to be....in a window of time.

it is what it is.... what will you make it?

Im feeling that feeling again. when my mind slows to barely real life... and dwells in some past thought or memory... triggered by a smell, or an email or something. Today I recieved an email from an old "friend".  Since then I have been busy but thoughtful. Today was a good day, but i had trouble getting started. it happens when you dont sleep well, and get up at 5 am.  Sunrises out my front window are always symbolic of a new beginning ...to me.

So i made it to town, then back home. I worked on that stupid engine again... ran 2 tanks of fuel thru it. but it is still dirty. Someday itll run clean again. I piddled around. Its funny how the place changes. I think of how it looked a year ago. and who I was looking at it with.... maybe two years ago. and now.  All kinds of little things that go bump in my mind. So i sit and watch, and wait. Im getting better at it. I am becoming more content doing it. 

Im sorry tumbleweed... i know  you miss ranger. I have missed sparks too. I hate how an animal can affect ones life so much. I know they are going to die. I guess I am supposed to enjoy them, or learn from them, during the time I have with them. I guess I am supposed to do th esame from people. Maybe animals can teach us many things ... about people. or ... just be there to give hugs. I wonder why God made them shed? dang theyd be perfect if they didnt shed hair.

So life goes on. Each day begins. in almost the same way. and each day ends in similar fashion. the sun fades, and shadows creep in. the temp drops... and my body and mind slow down. Thats when it gets harder. So... I do my work. I eat. i get thru the day. I think of them. those in my past.  sometiems I pray for them. sometimes I just wonder what is going on with them. I wonder what i learned, or what they learned from "us". I wonder about where I came from, and where I am heading.

Soon I will paint the "happy room". It will be strange. It will be new. sealing the past. and preparing for the future. Maybe thats what animals , projects, and all that is about. I will try toenjoy what God has for me today. and i will allow tomrrow to come. when it does... I will enjoy that too. with one leg, or with one arm. or with two. its hard to two step with one leg though...

Sometimes... the ride is slow, and sometimes very fast. either way...  Let it be. Just let it be , and enjoy it.

what imprint will your shadow leave, when your gone?

its the new year. i guess it will come with all the things the last new year came with. the promise and hope of new love, of new adventure, of ... well I dont know. of something good  I hope. and maybe some of the bad too. Ive watched the comments on FB... and ive seen the bdays come and go... but at the end of the day... there is just me and God, and the little things that never go away. those little things that you never think about. like wind in your hair, sounds of locusts singing at night..a sunset. many little things like this. And sometimes, as I sit here... alone, day after day, night after night, I feel like im on an island... and I feel this thing inside of me.. and it makes me stop. just stop. and I fall to my knees and talk to my God. Its a strange but familiar kind of feeling. Its like when you see something...so awesome, that it takes your breath away. And you remember it forever. Its that kind of feeling. And you wonder why ... but Im glad.. that I do..remember that is... when that rock skipped 5 times o the water... when I saw hundreds, maybe thousands of fireflies on lit up on th eground at once... when I pulled that big ol baby calf, and things like that. These things bring peace and smiles. I love those things. Then there are other things.. that I choose not to spend as much time remembering. like goodbyes. each time ..i wondered if I would ever hear your voice again. like funerals... and endings. I hate all of those things. But maybe you cannot have new beginnings without endings. vicious isnt it? I wonder if happiness...true happiness can exist without any form of heartbreak?

My heart feels something... something that I cant put into words. My existance is something that I cannot explain... and I attempt at best to fullfill some kind of purpose that I am designed for. My time here on earth is marked. And I am not sure that it will be remembered but by a few, and for a limited time. So I will try to enjoy each heartbeat, and each breath. and all those little things I mentioned before. little blessings can add up i guess. So with this new year, i will not forget, the things i  have left behind. the people that have left me behind... those that are unworthy to share my thoughts, and also those that have touched my heart and changed my life. I will focus on hope. and maybe if God allows it, I will experience a life time type of love that I can share with another. I will hope for more little things. a sparkle in someones eyes, a giggle. a red bird. the sound big rain drops make when they hit the barn roof.. and that I will be able to notice them all. and maybe some little thing I can do or say, will make some kind of little difference. like the imprint of a shadow... once your gone. Will you make more of a difference then that? or will my life just pass like a shadow, with no real difference in this world?