people, hope, and another day.

My bones are weary. My spirit is tired. I think i have a pretty good front though. Some of my closest friends cant even tell. If I closed my eyes, i would see the fog rolling in again... the wind blows alittle to hard.. and im standing on a hilltop alone... my duster blowing in the wind.. my head down.. cant raise that brim up ua know. its not cool to go chasin your hat. So there I stand ...in my mental image...seeing , but feeling too. the cold bite of the wind.  the tired feeling i get when Im just tooooo tired. And I stand there, and leave just alittle hope in that spot. because I know people are just not waht they seemed to be. It would be nice if they were, but they are just not. Maybe some of them want to be, but their actions just overload their words. They just do not match up. But I can slice up the little hope I have left  in very small pieces. I still have some, but alittle bit of it will  just stay here on this hill. And when I open my eyes, my reality will appear again, and I will mask my bitter disappointment with the strength i still have left. Im used to it. my mask is in place again... and no one can tell who I am exactly...

As darkness comes, and I reflect the day... i talk to God. I ask why I cant see people they way they really are. from the inside out...instead of from the outside in. And I try not to feel. because when I do, i feel the losses. the sense of ....needless heartbreak. the bitter bitter disappointment. who needs a dream? or a dream girl? who needs any of it? I cant help but see the beauty of His handiwork...as the sun sets. and Im grateful. I really am. There was a time not so long ago, I would not have even noticed it. I see the swirls and colors. I sure hope you have a plan for me Lord. And if it is more lonely hilltops, I suppose youwill give me enough hope to leave alittle here and there. maybe someone else will find them...and pick them up. hey maybe Im planting hope for someone else. If so, this is not so bad ...Ill just watch the sun go down. and embrace the darkness. goodnite world.