its a conspiracy.

last night I decided to get a new ecliptical machine. it weighed a ton...and the walmart guy they drug out of the back of the store to help us... stunk with BO! but we got it home... and I drug it thru the front door. It should have dawned on me then... that this might be an underground movement by Dr. Evil and nazi people to kill me from within and "make it look like an accident"... but it just didnt. that short bus syndrome again. ugh. So i drug it in... and got the  box open. youll nevre believe it...there was 1000 parts in there. all individually wrapped. It finally did....dawn on me... that something was just not right. After I got all the parts unwrapped and organized..(the capricorn in me).. it then took me about 2 hours, some cussin... some prayin.. and toward the end...I think ...i saw that swatstik nazi Dr. Evil symbol... stuck on the machine somewhere. So... i slept... dreaming of evil bad guys with skimpy gay mustaches (hitler) trying to make me exercise. When I awoke I was determined NOT to let this spooke me. after all..I spent a ton of cash on this. you know...50 yr old... weather getting better... get al buff. make the ol ticker get better and all that. So.. I got on the thing and selected "weight loss #1". NOT a good idea. i survived it... and now ill inhale all the  ibprofen I can find....im learning though. tomrrow Ill have a towel, and some water before I get started. wont be long, and Ill completely dominate this !! yeah! *roar* yeah.

ok. now back to reality. The weather is changing...then changing again.... I struggle with letting go of the past.. something about true love last forever, and stupid romantic shit like that. I pray and wait.... and I try not to be negative. I expect...ill at some point... get used to being alone. Maybe I can get another stupid dog someday. maybe one that will not headbutt a truck going down the road. So ..lets see. what else is new.. hmm. oh thats right...nothing. country boy...dirt road... but great sunsets. maybe I can learn to sing on this kareokee thingy, and become some kind of famous youtube movie star. yeah.

Still no tumble weeds....

rose colored glasses.

tonight was such a clear beautiful night. the sky was so dark, and the stars were so bright. I found my star immediately. as i looked and felt the ever present wind blowing my hair... I thought of my life, and my past. It seems easier somehow to think of my pain rathe rthen my laughter. im not sure why that is. But anyway.. I thought of past dreams that did not come true. there I go again. thinking of the dreams tha tdidnt come true, instead of the ones that did. ha. The biggest one is the dream of "her". I had a dream girl once. I wore the prettest rose colored glasses you ever did see. I swear the was not one chip on that white pickett fence. I spoke to a friend tonight... because I could not sleep, and she workds nights... so she was up. An artist. A good friend and woman...(who wont come w/i 10 miles of me! lol) and she advised...to wait. She said things like.." shes out there.... dont settle... youll see....she will make you forget the past....." I guess the world needs an artist. so creative and passionate. I do not believe "she" is out there. stupid dream. I had one dream girl. it was enough for my lifetime. If I knew another one, she might kill me off the rest of the way. lol. Maybe the next one will do it quicker and less p;ainfully. for now, Ill try to focus on being p;ositive, and remember the dreams that did come true. lets see now... what are they. I knwo they are there.

Watching for antoher tumbleweed. Dont see any in sight. I miss those. Some people.. have words that just melt you. Sometimes you ... just want to be melted. maybe the next tumbleweed will have some of those rose colored glasses attached. ha. Im not wearing them though. never again.  Some plans evolve so slow, i never see them.... until they happen. sometimes thats good. sometimes.... not so much. 

Wine and horses.

dont you hate it when  you try to communicate with someone that is just drunk?  drunk texting, drunk facebookin... and just plain ol drunk phone calls. i wonder if they think you don tknow? Im amazed at how long it takes me to get my rose colored glasses off, and just look and listen...for what they are saying. or if it makes sense. ..or if the words are slurred so bad I cant freakin understand them!! maybe I could issue a ticket... you know. TUI ...texting under the influence? or maybe add a fine to their phone bill... for slurred talking. you know its hard to be sexy ...when you have to ask what ? what? speak plainly!!  I was told.."but Im cute".. yes. you are. so are baby tigers. But they will eat you later. Wine seems to be the thing with the ladies. wine and horses. wth? i dont have a thing against either...but comon. how about some common sense? at least they dont drink and ride the horses...

well its so windy here...tonight I took a walk as I usually do. I viewed the hen house, and the "cafe" .. which is just alittle shelter I put th e chickens food out under. I remember who was with me when tha thappened, and what we named it. I do not understand how things can change so much in just a matter of days, weeks or months. I thought that things of the heart were much more permanent. As i walked, i noticed many more memories...they seem to appear before my eyes in each place I looked. From flower beds, to watering systems, to the green gate, to painting this and that. I think if I would have had a glass of wine i might of drank it myself. ha.  I talked to God as usual .... i guess I dont get to keep that "puppy in the window".. ever. not ever...i just get to pet them. have a few good memories... and watch them disappear. wheres the wine? lets text somebody and see how long it takes them to figure out its just drunk text sext talk?

ok david letterman. make me laugh. do soemthing.

times and what they are to us...

well. its been a few days since I wrote. I found a tumbleweed today...and read the message. Im glad Im not the only person that hurts and has bad days. My internet is finally fixed! yep, i can actually answer email, and download this page!

I had a week of trying times and much frustration. A week of mistakes, and a true sense of loss. before this.. i lost my best friend. ol sparks got run over by the only stupid truck that came down the road all day long. I guess God wanted that dog...or ...didnt want me to have him anymore. I was grateful to have him for the two years I enjoyed him. Ive off the merry go round though.... off all single sites, and not a date for two weeks. I dotn even have a date lined up.

sometimes you wonder why things happen the way that they do. .. to often we cant figure it out, because we want what we want to happen...in fact we wnat it so bad that we lose sight of why ...these things are happening? make sense? So harvest when it is havest time, and plant when it is planting time. and the other times... seem to be waiting times. Im not real high on this waiting thing.

but oh well. as for now, i think ill go to prairie kitchen and get me soem biscuts and gravy, and eggs. yeah. and coffee. yeah.

just a swingin..

Today was a beautiful day. Sunny... and not too windy. I checked the fence lines on the 4 wheeler , and sat in the metal swing i hung long ago in the woods. its over sees a pasture... and faces west. I used to sit there and watch the sun set...and with luck sometimes see a deer crossing over. I looked up as I have often done, and looked up through the branches in the tree. I remember so many times before seeing the different sights ..as the seasons changed. sometimes it had leaves, sometimes the skyh was gray. Today... no leaves, but a nice blue sky. I watched as clouds rolled in and obscured the sun, and the day darkened. I noticed the sun rays shining downward from behind them, and the coolness of the wind  as the evening approached.  I sit .. in the middle.... of something.... i know not what.... and I wonder... when to get up and leave, and when to just sit still and listen and learn. I hear everything....the wind, the grass blowing... the birds that are singing. But I do not hear my voice of direction. I hear memories of the past.... they are always with me. It is too bad that my life has become a batch of memories, with no apparent meaning.  I cleaned my  house today. yes I said I cleaned it. and put my late dogs bed and toys away. It was a sad time. but it was my time. so I am still wondering and stumbling along... about what I am to do next. just sit here on this 65 acres...in the middle of nowhwere.... doing my quiet country thing alone? or ...sell it all.... and be ready to move. to leave. and then what.... im wondering what if anything will come next. Maybe life will change..sometimes it does.

Until then, I will watch and learn. soak up wha tI can..tha tis positive, and push away all the negative energies of my life.  im just a swingin..... wheres charlette at??

valley week.

well its been a rough few days. said a good bye to some special people... and my dog died too. rough week. yes ol sparkys done went and played with a moving truck. I got him all scooped up and buried out  in the pasture. Its a much quieter home now...im still thinking i can glue all the hair he lost in the house, and maybe make a whole nother dog. I also emailed an old lover.... and told her id can finally be "just friends" with her.. and was told...i dont think so. sigh. hard to believe i used to pray with her morning and nite over the phone, and love her with all my heart. now throw in one little disturbance at work...and you got my week.

wish I could find my tumbleweed .... but lately there is not been one ....

I had a birthday dinner with my oldest today. im so proud of her.

i am just to tired to get too deep or write too much. but i can say this ....in all that has happened this week, i miss one sexy peaceful voice in my ear. but for reasons I cannot go into here, i cannot hear her now. but I miss her words. I hope her worlds is more at peace now...then it was the last time i heard her voice.  Some people can write so well...and speak so well. I can write and speak, but ... just from a slow boring country life point of view.
mama said thered be days like this..thered be days like this...days like this.....

people, hope, and another day.

My bones are weary. My spirit is tired. I think i have a pretty good front though. Some of my closest friends cant even tell. If I closed my eyes, i would see the fog rolling in again... the wind blows alittle to hard.. and im standing on a hilltop alone... my duster blowing in the wind.. my head down.. cant raise that brim up ua know. its not cool to go chasin your hat. So there I stand ...in my mental image...seeing , but feeling too. the cold bite of the wind.  the tired feeling i get when Im just tooooo tired. And I stand there, and leave just alittle hope in that spot. because I know people are just not waht they seemed to be. It would be nice if they were, but they are just not. Maybe some of them want to be, but their actions just overload their words. They just do not match up. But I can slice up the little hope I have left  in very small pieces. I still have some, but alittle bit of it will  just stay here on this hill. And when I open my eyes, my reality will appear again, and I will mask my bitter disappointment with the strength i still have left. Im used to it. my mask is in place again... and no one can tell who I am exactly...

As darkness comes, and I reflect the day... i talk to God. I ask why I cant see people they way they really are. from the inside out...instead of from the outside in. And I try not to feel. because when I do, i feel the losses. the sense of ....needless heartbreak. the bitter bitter disappointment. who needs a dream? or a dream girl? who needs any of it? I cant help but see the beauty of His handiwork...as the sun sets. and Im grateful. I really am. There was a time not so long ago, I would not have even noticed it. I see the swirls and colors. I sure hope you have a plan for me Lord. And if it is more lonely hilltops, I suppose youwill give me enough hope to leave alittle here and there. maybe someone else will find them...and pick them up. hey maybe Im planting hope for someone else. If so, this is not so bad ...Ill just watch the sun go down. and embrace the darkness. goodnite world.

a reason, a season or a life time...

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.! LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant . Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.............

Another Days Journey

 the ground is uneven, it usually is. I just seem to continue on. the sun sets..and I feel the weather change alittle. its alittle cooler and i feel a breeze that sends a chill to my bones. its this way everytime. I wonder what I will see that is different this time ?  tonight I will camp, and try to stay warm. the fire is here... and I hope to maybe find something left over in my bags to eat. Im not very hungry, I am just hungry for something i must learn. I feel if I dont learn it ..I will be forced to continue this journey...possible forever. The flames feel good, and as I sit, i think of what I have learned this day. I notice my wounds are only bleeding just alittle. This is a good thing. Ive often wondered if I could just bleed to death, but so far it has not happend.

The morning brings a bright sunrise... beautiful. But dont look at it very long, elseyour eyes will hurt. Todays travel will maybe encounter something new... a new sight, a new trail, a new experience. It may bring rain, or fire, or even blood. hows that song go? "ive seen fire and I ve seen rain, ive seen sunny days I thought would never end..ive seen lonely times when I could not find a friend...but I always thought Id see you again".  you know the way it goes. And I look at the sunrise again...

I look forward to todays journey. Let healing begin, the bleeding stop, and the joy from within shine again. maybe I ll find another tumblweed with another loving message in it today.