a pity party...or just a true assessment? Selfish... or... ok. Selfish it is.

Some times I just dont know what to write. I try to question myself, to see if im having a pity party... poor little man in a poor little house... I see myself here in this place ...rather isolated. A man living alone. even my dog is dead. ugh. And I wonder why I have not found a help mate. Ive more or less stopped looking now, but still the question remains. I like to think that I have "come a long ways".. but im beginning to doubt it.  sometimes the journey is hard, sometimes its just boring, but it always seems to be mine.

The last person "inserted" into my life, left with parting words of "your selfish and ..." but did not say how. Now hows a poor dum country clod supposed to learn anything if you dont explain more huh? huh? maybe sharing your inner most sacred thoughts and opinions is not enough. Maybe sharing your home,  your food, your everything... is just not enough. Of course I have strong opinions. I wouldnt be me if I didnt! Im a strong minded dominant man. I lead. I often go alone...but I lead nontheless. I guess I am destined to just continue alone...questioning my own mindsets, and existance. Wondering... why no one is following. I guess maybe I am selfish.  For a long time ive planned, and worked alone. maybe it is just what happens when your alone for years. Doing things my way always seemed quite natural to me. I dont often live up to others expectations... but i do live up to my own.  Maybe ..if while Im doing that, i can be someone or something that someone else can admire or respect... and  if not... ill just keep  going forward. What choice is there? Lay down and die? Crawl under a rock? Tried that... not my style. Id rather roar around here.

So.. onward we go. we. i guess Me and God is we. Sometimes its windy, sometimes its cold, sometimes so so hot. but always always...its just us. People come and go. For various reasons. But it seems they always go. They are coming less often now...but ...I guess I should stop watching for the one that does not leave. Is this self pity? or just assessing the situation realistically? Since i have no one to talk to here...ill just tie my own note on my own tumbleweed...and call it done. then therell be two crazy people on the prairie. now if I could only have a little bit of rain Lord.... seems fitting now.