flash from the past... focus on the present... let the future be .

Tonight..at 4 am..i find myself in a familiar place. but not one I wanted to be in really. Found a tumbleweed today. Nice. brought a smile to my face. smiles are good. Ill take one when i can make my face into one...they are brief, but seem to help somehow. I read the "note" of a woman growing and learning more of herself, and having good experiences.

Today I was shocked to see "her" behind the barn. I dont go behind the barn, but even though I was with "someone" special... I saw her anyway. she just appeard. standing int hat place... where we took a picture. or rather she took one. It was quite a shock. I think..that I covered it well though, even if my g/f is very perceptive. I again turn to God and ask that I not be defined by my past, or by what someone else says or does to me. I am not quite sure why He has not taken her out of my mind and heart to the point where I am not brought to my knees when I go through my day. Maybe I have not prayed enough lately.

So.. today I watched the sunset. I am still praying for rain. Part of me says load up the cattle, and sell sell. part of me says sit tight... you can still have hay this winter. I am blessed... with good people in my life. People who understand me, which is no small feat, and encourage me. Im in a protected place I think. I need to make old things...really old... old feelings, old ideas, old love, old heartache, old memeories, and the old me. .. and the new things...be really new. Even though they are not... if I see them with new eyes...they can be like they are new. New refreshing sights, thoughts, feelings...etc. Like a sunset...each one is new.

ok i still have not mastered the art of putting these pics where I want them to appear... my teacher disappeared before my challenged mind grasped this concept. but pretend the sunset is wehre I talked about sunsets, and the boots are where I talked about being blessed with good friends. so there.

I have many other things going on in my life... well ok not many,, bu tsome... But Ill avoid making this a Facebook update, or a diary. Just wanted to share how one can live from day to day, and still be stuck in something they are comitted to not being in! ugh.  whats the word... Discombobulated! heard that on tv ... seems to be me. i think its a real word... frustrating It hink it means...

Ive enjoyed the moments of peace. I thnk peace comes in moments. I remember a time when it was just there all the time. but Ill take the moments for now. Minutes of the sunset or the sky doing something so big and so beautiful, im not sure why the whole state hasnt stopped what they are doing and stare in wonder...as I do. the pretty red wild flowers I pick on the side of the road to put in a jar on the kitchen window sill, even though they only last a couple of days. when ducks fly overhead..quacking..., when a baby calf bucks and plays. But to often peace is overshadowed by confusion... now I know who brings peace. and I know who brings confusion. different sources. So I will continue to surrender the things I cannot understand..and just trust that I am not supposed to understand them yet. And focus on the peace moments. maybe they will turn into peace days, or peaceful ...years...

Age brings many things... pain... but also an experienced kind of viewpoint of how the world is .. and how my world is....I ve discovered I cannot climb a ladder all day and not hurt. and my right knee does not like it either. Hips hurt in a way that make me walk like an old cowboy. I bet I look like live rode along ways. ha. But it is important to remember that I am who I am... because of the things ive experienced in this age thing. this is more of a blah then a blog huh. lol. I know I am in a transition.. andI really have never liked transitions much. lets move on! I am praying a selfish prayer... that IF God will not take "her" out of my mind and heart... then He will make me appear in her mind and heart ASMUCH as she is in mine. then I can plague her too. ha. I mean... then she can have the chance to umm experience things as I do. yeah.

it doesnt matter what I miss. It matters what misses me. Ill be more watchful for tumbleweeds and notes. and I will trust that what happens is supposed to happen. now ride on and stop whining.