things that go bump in the night..

i was just almost asleep. i swear. all tucked in... david letterman was over. then iheard it... the sounds of a woman.. like hse was hurting.. and she was outside my window somewhere. i thought no way, im hearin ghings...i ve lived here 8 yrs, and never heard tha tsound before. I crept up and cracked th ewindow to my bedroom an dpeeked out. I didnt hear that sound again, but saw something that made chills run up my spine... the red dot ...that had to be the lazor sights of a gun. that meant i had a red dot on me... but so far no bullet piercing my body! i think anyway... so I shut the window, and grabbed a sawed off shotgun... its heavy loaded... and i ran outside. I was not happy that someone was outside, and more unhappy that someone was pointing that at me. what else coudl it be?  I was prepared to die, or kill. or both. you could hear the sound of my pump shotgun.. but nothing. i crept around the truck. lit up the flowerbeds... nothing. then i saw the red glow. Remind me to unplug my cell phone charger!!! but that sound..? My tomcat.... making weird noises hes never made before... sounds just like a girl.

boy dont i lead an exciting dangerous life? thats me. Im  a ninja warrior... dangerous I tell ya! now im all pumped up and wide awake. maybe ill fade in the recliner...Im reminded of when my child heard things under her bed. the booger man...she just would not sleep. So id ge a can of lysol and i had it labled "boogy man killer spray". I explained that this spray would instantly kill and make disappear any boogy man hiding. I sprayed under the bed, the closet..and any place she pointed to. .. whichwere several. Then she felt satisifed.. funny she trusted a can of lysol. I have a friend that has battled breast cancer. after a couple of surgeries, she has shared that she is worried.. that she will have to undergo another surgery... in june. Im nto sure she has anything to base this on. I hope not!  I guess sometimes..no matter what age you are, things just go bump in the night.

tougher then you know.

This was my first "tornado season" with my new shelter. Im glad it was dry inside! A couple of nights, a big twister blew right over my house. Now I havent been inside of a shelter for about 35 years. You just cant see the funnel from down there! But that night, I sensed something coming that was definitely not good. I saw the weather patterns.. and I saw the radar. But then something happened for the first time. I felt something. and it said...ITS COMING! lol. well. i relooked... and waited. this storm should have gone just to the north of me...but i could see via radar new ones were coming ..right for me. Then the lightning got so bad..I decided to go ahead and test the shelter. It had just started to rain, and I timed it right. I learned some things that night. First.. take a stupid flashlight oh rocket scientist. and clean and bug bomb the thing before storm season! well. I got the one single candle lit.... NOT enough light! and kept my eye on the black widow in the corner. Every time I moved the candle  that stupid spider moved. closer! 

so i sat there... puffed my pipe..and listened. then sissy started texting me... updating me. apparantly the storm grew quickly and produced at least 2 tornadoes. both were very close to me. I heard the weather helicopter buzzing around my house. The sounds of the storm almost made me deaf!  Then the special noises.... train sounds. things hitting my metal door of the shelter... i could see the light of the lightning thru the crack in the metal door every time the door tried to fly open! good thing it was chained shut. i knew my house and/or barn was getting blown away.

while I sat there...i acknowledged that none of this "stuff" was mine anyay. Im just borrowing it all ..until my time on earth is over. The trees, grass, animals, the barn ..and my home. I figured worse come to worse, Ill still have a nice patio. lol. I knew when I opened that door... that it was going to be a shock. I braced myself. just another valley to trot through right?  i opened the door...

nothing at all ... was amiss! geesh..i could hve stayed in the house?!! I was so relieved. i did have soem barn damage. but oh well. 2 1/2 inches of rain...  sometimes things seem so bad. you pray, you worry, you just know your not gonna get past it... you figure the damage done will just be too much. but it isnt. it just isnt. i guess were tougher creatures then we know. next time...Ill pee before I go though! and I have a broom, and extra light in there too!

Happy Easter.

what am i learning here?

The journey ahead. this is my 2nd attempt to post. I guess God didnt want the first one to post! lol. Sometimes that ol short bus... gets alittle bumpy. and often I take the scenic route..around. Sometimes its dry and long, and sometimes its cold and hard. But it seems it is always MY journey to take.

So..i know this looks like I havent made much progress, but ye smart-azzes...its because its almost the same pic..outside on the dirt road by my house. just looking different directions. I wonder if I am making any progress at all? Ive been told I am... i like to think I am... that "Ive come a long way". But sometimes I wonder...

Ive been told I am selfish. I guess maybe i am? I try to be open to other points of view, but rest assured I may not agree, and I wont be shy in telling you so either. I like things to be done "my way" but if your way is better Im sure Ill recognize that. I growl alittle, and roar sometimes...but im pretty harmless. I do not believe in tantrums, or senseless arguing... and find "word games" a waste of time. When im on a project...i should loosen up abit..I admit. Im very task oriented. I wonder ..do these things make me selfish? It is too bad the observer did not offer up some specific examples of this selfishness. It wo uld have helped me to improve. Capricorns Im told need that... be to the point. use the hammer. I wont break. promise.

I try to recognize when someone is in my life for a little while...or a long while...and how to handle it when it is time for them to go. Sometimes they dont handle it well either...only to return, and leave yet again. I say cherish the memories, forget if youc an..the painful ones...and learn. So im not sure if my personaltiy is just.... not compatible with ...another human being? lol. or... maybe I am the monster my ex wife said I was! I dont really think ex wives count...in what they say.... they are not very objective I think.

So i gotta get out of this recliner and get some work done here. so ill tie my own note to this "tumbleweed", and go on about my business.

a pity party...or just a true assessment? Selfish... or... ok. Selfish it is.

Some times I just dont know what to write. I try to question myself, to see if im having a pity party... poor little man in a poor little house... I see myself here in this place ...rather isolated. A man living alone. even my dog is dead. ugh. And I wonder why I have not found a help mate. Ive more or less stopped looking now, but still the question remains. I like to think that I have "come a long ways".. but im beginning to doubt it.  sometimes the journey is hard, sometimes its just boring, but it always seems to be mine.

The last person "inserted" into my life, left with parting words of "your selfish and ..." but did not say how. Now hows a poor dum country clod supposed to learn anything if you dont explain more huh? huh? maybe sharing your inner most sacred thoughts and opinions is not enough. Maybe sharing your home,  your food, your everything... is just not enough. Of course I have strong opinions. I wouldnt be me if I didnt! Im a strong minded dominant man. I lead. I often go alone...but I lead nontheless. I guess I am destined to just continue alone...questioning my own mindsets, and existance. Wondering... why no one is following. I guess maybe I am selfish.  For a long time ive planned, and worked alone. maybe it is just what happens when your alone for years. Doing things my way always seemed quite natural to me. I dont often live up to others expectations... but i do live up to my own.  Maybe ..if while Im doing that, i can be someone or something that someone else can admire or respect... and  if not... ill just keep  going forward. What choice is there? Lay down and die? Crawl under a rock? Tried that... not my style. Id rather roar around here.

So.. onward we go. we. i guess Me and God is we. Sometimes its windy, sometimes its cold, sometimes so so hot. but always always...its just us. People come and go. For various reasons. But it seems they always go. They are coming less often now...but ...I guess I should stop watching for the one that does not leave. Is this self pity? or just assessing the situation realistically? Since i have no one to talk to here...ill just tie my own note on my own tumbleweed...and call it done. then therell be two crazy people on the prairie. now if I could only have a little bit of rain Lord.... seems fitting now.

there are some times...when you should not blog I guess.

flash from the past... focus on the present... let the future be .

Tonight..at 4 am..i find myself in a familiar place. but not one I wanted to be in really. Found a tumbleweed today. Nice. brought a smile to my face. smiles are good. Ill take one when i can make my face into one...they are brief, but seem to help somehow. I read the "note" of a woman growing and learning more of herself, and having good experiences.

Today I was shocked to see "her" behind the barn. I dont go behind the barn, but even though I was with "someone" special... I saw her anyway. she just appeard. standing int hat place... where we took a picture. or rather she took one. It was quite a shock. I think..that I covered it well though, even if my g/f is very perceptive. I again turn to God and ask that I not be defined by my past, or by what someone else says or does to me. I am not quite sure why He has not taken her out of my mind and heart to the point where I am not brought to my knees when I go through my day. Maybe I have not prayed enough lately.

So.. today I watched the sunset. I am still praying for rain. Part of me says load up the cattle, and sell sell. part of me says sit tight... you can still have hay this winter. I am blessed... with good people in my life. People who understand me, which is no small feat, and encourage me. Im in a protected place I think. I need to make old things...really old... old feelings, old ideas, old love, old heartache, old memeories, and the old me. .. and the new things...be really new. Even though they are not... if I see them with new eyes...they can be like they are new. New refreshing sights, thoughts, feelings...etc. Like a sunset...each one is new.

ok i still have not mastered the art of putting these pics where I want them to appear... my teacher disappeared before my challenged mind grasped this concept. but pretend the sunset is wehre I talked about sunsets, and the boots are where I talked about being blessed with good friends. so there.

I have many other things going on in my life... well ok not many,, bu tsome... But Ill avoid making this a Facebook update, or a diary. Just wanted to share how one can live from day to day, and still be stuck in something they are comitted to not being in! ugh.  whats the word... Discombobulated! heard that on tv ... seems to be me. i think its a real word... frustrating It hink it means...

Ive enjoyed the moments of peace. I thnk peace comes in moments. I remember a time when it was just there all the time. but Ill take the moments for now. Minutes of the sunset or the sky doing something so big and so beautiful, im not sure why the whole state hasnt stopped what they are doing and stare in wonder...as I do. the pretty red wild flowers I pick on the side of the road to put in a jar on the kitchen window sill, even though they only last a couple of days. when ducks fly overhead..quacking..., when a baby calf bucks and plays. But to often peace is overshadowed by confusion... now I know who brings peace. and I know who brings confusion. different sources. So I will continue to surrender the things I cannot understand..and just trust that I am not supposed to understand them yet. And focus on the peace moments. maybe they will turn into peace days, or peaceful ...years...

Age brings many things... pain... but also an experienced kind of viewpoint of how the world is .. and how my world is....I ve discovered I cannot climb a ladder all day and not hurt. and my right knee does not like it either. Hips hurt in a way that make me walk like an old cowboy. I bet I look like live rode along ways. ha. But it is important to remember that I am who I am... because of the things ive experienced in this age thing. this is more of a blah then a blog huh. lol. I know I am in a transition.. andI really have never liked transitions much. lets move on! I am praying a selfish prayer... that IF God will not take "her" out of my mind and heart... then He will make me appear in her mind and heart ASMUCH as she is in mine. then I can plague her too. ha. I mean... then she can have the chance to umm experience things as I do. yeah.

it doesnt matter what I miss. It matters what misses me. Ill be more watchful for tumbleweeds and notes. and I will trust that what happens is supposed to happen. now ride on and stop whining.

workin thru stuff.

sometimes the things you think will be easy are just not so easy. the other day, my "helper" sam and I were unloading a piece of plywood from the trailer, trouble was..it was under several other pieces of siding... the siding was all tied together with some of that string that home depot uses. well i decided to just jerk the string and try to move the whole stack of siding off the plywood.. and presto. Course the string broke, and Sam told me all she saw were my legs in the air... i fell right off the trailer over the fender... the plyers I had in my back pocket ..made my butt cheek numb after I hit. I was thinking..hmmm...im getting to old to fall off of this stuff. Ive fallen off horses, tractors, a couch, a woman (dont ask). and now a trailer. I guess there are times when you just have to work together, and remove each piece one at a time before you can get to where you want to get to. Seems to be that way in life too..... I keep trying to jump on the short cut bus, but it turns into the short bus...and first thing you know im doin it the long hard way ...

life never tells you straight up..what to expect. today was very windy.... sometimes its really cold. seems march is a "wild card" kind of month. So im glad my butt cheek is normal, and i didnt break anything, and i will not jerk on tie down strings again. just work thru it. i guess working through things is just part of my jourmey. that old tractor served me well. ..and yes i fell off it too. im glad the newer one is lower to the ground. not so far to fall! Its hard to know....or admit....that you have a "thing" to work through... but.. hey, im getting better at it.

now lets take a walk in the wind, eat some chocolate and go to bed. perfect.