to be me.

what its like to be...me. to feel ...the things I feel and think. I guess this is hwat I have been trying to do...since I started blogging about life. my life... my thoughts... the things that have changed.

I have noted many changes in my life time. From the way people treat each other, from technology progressing. From using "nigger" as a house hold word, to being treated as a minority ... from having a party line and dialing with  a rotary phone... to having a cell that accesses almost everything.

I was sitting yesterday on the patio enjoying a mornign cup of java...and said..."theres my cow"...but it wasnt MY cow....and so i got up and took the 4 wheeler out to check fence lines... all the fences looked good, but MY cow i could not find. maybe mine morphed into a younger one.  maybe I should follow it and see what its drinkin...and drink alittle myself. lol. course...it changed its color...not sure Im up to that...but hey I wouldnt be the future minority either. The triple digit weather has been about 55 days now...and everything is burnt to a crispy crunch. I think the grasshoppers are starving too.  As soon as it breaks...ill finish the house...paint. and start my winter chores. At least I wont have to put out hay. Unless I cant find the lone mysterious cow that tried to kill me when  I loaded the rest of them up. Im keeping a look out for my hotshot prod.... and my trailer is still being repaired. I hired a guy to put the floor in.

My mind has such trouble moving forward...getting bogged down in the past and seemingly stuck. My goal is to figure this out...at my age, I should have learned it by now. but ...short bus dont go there.

This life makes me wonder what things will be like in another 100 yrs. It will be a curious thing. but I will be glad not to be here to watch mankind poison the earth more and more....its like watching your kid make bad decisions....and be too stupid to learn from them.

my blogs are alittle boring lately.... i will either stop altogether....or find something funny to write!

happy anniversary.

yesterday.... never did seem so far away... my thoughts of you, and the way you loved me. now today.... im not sure you were ever real, my idea of you and the way i thought you loved me. Tomorrow now... I wonder how... i will receive your memory.. if you well disappear completely into something I used to call reality... but may question its existance then.

perceptions.. arent they just a form of reality? your image...was real to me once. Now its just something I remember. But explain this pain... is it the realization of something that was so important...never actually existing? were you ever real? and maybe it just does not matter. perhaps, my heart and mind are my world. Heart and mind... they seem to transend all time...they know but do not care...and see only to love feel and bare.... everything.

one year ago.... you were so real. tonight...as I sit here alone....in an empty house.... you are not so much...but explain the pain. its my new song. explain the pain...
and no im not smoking crack.

what part is real?

WHAT PART IS REAL? BY D. MCKINZIE

 I live alone in the country. I cut my wood for my heat. I check the fencelines on my metal horse.
I watch ths sunrise in the mornings. I see it set into the night. I havent seen my girls much since my divorce.
I have a lot of time to think here. and a lot of time to feel. I talk to God and ask Him what part is real?

She used to be in my life daily. We talked and texted on the phone. We sent pictures and live talking videos too.    
 Shed fly to see me time to time...and i never felt alone. But I havent talked to her in months, and Im feelin blue...
What parts were real....? Maybe it was a dream. I dont like the way this feels. comin apart at the seams.

I put my boots on just like always.put my work gloves on too.
I see the rain come, and the sun rays, and watch teh sky turn blue.
 I stay busy with my life as it is..I talk to my dog.
pointless days is what it is, Gotta get out of this fog.

Flannel sheets on the bed now. A few pecans on the ground. I saw a turkey, and the next day a deer.
A sick cow now and then. The stars here are so bright. Its a little confusing, but i will not fear.
I have alot of time to think here, and a lot of time to feel. I talk to God and ask Him what part is real?

the reason God made california.

i am not sure if I posted this song or not. when I try to look, this stupid site locks my browser up. so im posting it now. sorry if it is a repost.

The Reason God Made California by Dwayne McKinzie

you were blonde and blue eyed, you were just a little thing
I fell you you darlin,  you made my heart sing.
It wasnt our first rodeo,  you were fifty one, but we felt like teens, kissing , having fun.

You said I owned your body, and youd marry me someday.
We dreamed and talked alot about how our lives would be.
But it was just to far for you, you tried so very hard,
but someday isnt coming I can see.

I thought you were the reason God made Oklahoma, and the way we used to sing it made me cry.
I never thought the day would come when you gave up on us,
but you did, you said I love and goodbye.

you said I  owned your body, and youd marry me someday.
We dreamed and talked alot about how our lives would be.
But it was just to far for you, you tried so very hard,
but someday isnt coming I can see.

I gave up all the women, for a glimpse of your smile
I cn still see you diggin flowers in my boots.
but you didnt believe in me, my country ways and style..
so you went back to your city and your roots.

Its for women like you that God made  California,
so be happy and live your life with him.
Ill be watching sunsets alone,Ill watch for what comes next,
but Ill remember my dream girl and  of "when".

You said I owned yoru body, and youd marry me someday.
WE dreamed and talked alot about how our lives would be.
But it was just to far for you, youtried so very hard,
but someday isnt coming I can see.

draft/song

when im touching her, im touching you. When I hold you, Im missing the way she feels.
Your loving me, and Im loving her, Im waiting for something to heal.

If you cant bring her back , get her out of my heart, if she wasnt all that , then give me a new start.
I see her everywhere, but she just disappears, I know she doesnt care, but my eyes are tears.

When Im touchin you, im touchin her, when I hold you  I miss the way that she feels. Your lovin me and Im loving her, Im waiting for something to heal.

Its been a year since I looked in your eyes.

I love you.

nothing.

tonight was such a pretty night. despite that fact that it is very dry, and in fact a record breaking drought .. the night air was not so hot... and the stars were pretty. I walked my place tonight, as I often do, and saw the many places where memories pop up. I wondered ...again.... why I am in this place. I will remember the good times with others, but the good times I have alone too. And the projects I have managed to complete alone. Ive done ok.

I sold the cows today. I took a loss of course..but not as bad as I thought it was going to be. all but one stupid mean ol bitch of a cow. she tried to kill me of course. I could not fin dmy cattle prod... and I sure needed it. I bloodied my hand from beatin gher with a rod... as it rubbed a huge sore on my fingers. I was lucky I didnt get hurt. I guess I should invest in a proper loading squeeze shute... instead of a home made ..(gate)

My thoughts are not deep... and my skill at writing is not so great either.. but I will continue to stop in here and share a few thoughts. It has been one  year ...on aug 17..... that "she" exited my life. I have dated alot ...since then. but somehow there is still too much of her in me yet. I suppose in time (I hope) she will sort of disappear.  I cant see that, but they say time does that kind of thing.  The daily tasks of living remain... the deadlines, the stress, the bills, the mundane, (no thats not the name of my dog) and most of all, the emptyness that cannot be ignored and swell sup in the quietness of night. I think that is why I walk at night. I know some people send their tumbleweeds out at night.... with their letters attached. I just walk and talk. It is harder to see memories in the dark. I am better at staying busy in the day, but I still dread the oncoming winter months.  Letterman is over...and craig ferguson is doing his thing. what a racket. act stupid with a few puppets, and get rich. only in america.

maybe the country will go bankrupt on aug 1.... otherwise it is my girls bday. I worry about her,.. as she is having some physical troubles.

I wish this world a good night.....and dont forget to dream. its how I got into this mess after all. And the rest of the world should be righthere with me too!

Liars Suck.

the world consists of takers, deceivers, givers and believers. Its good if you can recognize that. Even so, there are times I just absorb their energys, and accept them..thinking that they are more good... then what they are. It is just never good.... never.... when you begin with deceit. What good can come of it? Do you really think that I would never discover it? I mean, in time... someday over the rainbow... the truth comes out. And presto... I realize that you are a deceiver.  So it is like you expect me to just "get over it". Just get over your anger... your using to much negative energy. I was told those very words today.

I am bitterly disappointed in people. To be more specific... in women.  A woman tells me.. she is looking for this and that. That she is this and that, when in fact she is not. I think maybe she does not knowwhat she is looking for, and has practiced this deceit many times before, so she thinks it is maybe normal... and the previous victims dismissed her memory quickly enough...so I should to.  What a game. What a life. I can be empty and alone w/o playing that one. After all, living that lifestyle is empty enough.  Recently I met a "free spirit". She was too. I appreciated her attitude and outlook on life. I loved her laughter, and her eyes. but she kinda omitted that she smoked marijuana for years...on a weekly basis..and that she still does. Bitter disappointment. so much for "free spirits".

Doesnt this method of growth and interaction with forces outside of myself seem alittle... vexed? Frustrating? I can just imagine how God feels. One almost feels like he is in the desert, walking through the heat and dead grass. It does not help that this state is in a very very bad drought, and the grass is dead. When I fnally get that trailer fixed...I guess Ill haul to market and take my losses. Maybe it will rain through some special blessing that I know I just must deserve.

So this is how it will be... i can see it in the future. two wounded souls..will meet. They will recognize each other.. and know that the other has been through life ...hurt but still alive. They will accept each other for what they are, and use each other to become more. They will embrace each others heart, and for a moment help heal the hurts therein. There will be no fireworks or rockets. Each has already experienced that in their lives...and if they see it again, they would run like hell. But in place is a small sparkle that grows just a tiny bit each heartbeat. It is not known (what am I a psychic?) whether they will grow enough to become permanent..but as my free spirit once told me.."nothing lasts forever".

The road is long, and appears to lead to no where. but maybe no where is a place too. Its hard, and I htink maybe the journey itself is the experience. ..and not the destination. I heard.. that you dont learn anything through success....only through the failures. And that is life. We improve, we expand. But the dreams we dared to dream are disentagrated. (spelling).  From dream girl, to your a cute girl, porche to opal cadette... we adjust. Some call it settling. I dont know the accuracy of that. Maybe it is just being realistic. So we enjoy the "nowness" (just made that one up!) of it all... today. right now..  and we notice things we did not before. LIke how red a redbird is... and did that star actually twinkle?? I even have my very own star. If you folow the handle of the dipper...to the very end...and just offset from that.. is a star that is brighter then the other ones.... well thats MY star. The Star of Sundance. yeah. I claim it.  I appreciate it, the moon. And what beauty there is left in this dry desolated land that was once green and beautiful.

So i look and watch. And wonder, and talk to God... about what is ahead. Is it health ? or is it sickness? Is it hardship? or is it a nice pretty hilltop? and ... will I experience them alone... or with another? I guess it does not matter... as....in her words...."nothing lasts forever".

waiting on whats next...a whole new perspective....

You ever notice that no matter what bad stuff happens... there is always something good in there somewhere...if you look hard enough. or maybe lookin hard is not the right wording... maybe looking with a different perspective..  I practice by watching clouds. sometimes  cloud is just a cloud.  but i fyou wait a few minutes... it becomes something. an elephant. man theres a lot of cloud elephants. ever notice that?  you never see.....say...a skunk cloud... or ... a train cloud.... but boy those elephants are big floaters. then if you keep waiting... eventually the sun will set. sometimes these are boring.. but sometimes, man sometimes they turn those elephants in to something else!

and so...

you watch... and you wait.... the path ahead is scattered with roses....? or...with the thorns of roses? I guess its with what perspective you see it...as to which you see first.  Sometimes it is winter. and the cold cold cold seems to never go away. first thing I do in the morning... put on some sweats... im cold. house shoes..im cold. start a fire. its cold. snow. ice. gray gray gray. and then...poof. youve waited... and the results are... you now see something different because it is different. now its hot. turn on the AC.  blooms...colors...mow the grass. sweat. I wonder....if when it was winter, if I could change my perspective, and make it summer.... and feel hot... instead of cold. if I can do that, ill make it hawaii here every day...and ill toss in some naked women, and be content in whateve rstate I am in. cuz ill just bring em with me. yeah

so this time thing.... waiting... scriptures say to wait...and not to worry or fret. Trust ...it says. and it will come to pass. The universe seems to find a way to do this... or maybe God just does it.. i dont know. But i do think He has something to do with it all. Then this time thing passes.....and poof... so do we.. In to the next dimension...then next life.... whatever you want to call it.

I think I am enjoying my life more now. all I did was wait... and start trying to achieve and do and go. .. but from right here. alone. just me. no bed of nails anymore tumbleweed. its a better thing now. Im starting to like it. like a breath of fresh  air... like something new is about to start. I like it.

now lets soak up the peace and joy.

the mood has left...

the wind is blowing here... just like it always does... and the blue sky shimmers through heat waves. Its in the upper 90s today here... and stella is laying asleep at my feet. shes a good dog. I am glad there is something ..that breathes air, that is close by, that at least seems to understand my world. I keep the tv on.... so I can hear the voices. I guess its good that the voices come from the tv and not my teeth. ha. It is so hot, that I have not been very productive...but I have a long list of things I should do. All of which cost me a pretty penny.

i didnt sleep much last night. to many M&ms I guess. so its a slow day today. this evening Ill find soem projects to do. im not sure what to blog about anymore. I guess this may be the last blog. I dont konw. seems the mood to blog has left me.

happy memorial day...

Today is memorial day weekend. I have never been so bored or lonely ... i did alot of things today to stay busy. It finally got so hot that I decided to turn the AC on. I talked to my ....or.... her...dog alot today. I wondered what in the world am I existing for? the day was nice and the evening was too. I did some things outside, and laundry, etc. Tonight I got house fever and went to braums and had french fries and a choc malt. Dip the fries in the ice cream. its really good.  When I got home, I peeked in the window. silly dog was asleep but thankfully not on the furniture. Some watch dog. ha.  If I could make money from recycled dog hair, Id be rich today. i have watched old movies all day on the TCM channel. and poof. here it is...11 pm already. I am going to take my late walk in just a few. the weather is so nice. with a nice breeze. its warm though...its still 80 deg outside! good thing the wind is still blowing. Tomorrow is church. I ve been thinking lately.... i hate it when that happens. dont you? dang it. and i realize tha tI can be a very negative person. I hate being negative. I guess I ve been rather pissed off for the last month.... about things I knew, but just didnt want to accept or admit. So i acted like a troll, and drove off the few people that cared about me. Its apattern of mine. I guess solitary living may be the best thing for me. so stop gripin at the hair troll boy. I think troll man sounds way better. I guess if I can run em off...they werent gonna stay anyway. something marilyn monroe said.....something like IF they cant take me at my worst, they sure as hell dont deserve me at my best. sounds nice...but... not very realistic. sounds abit selfish of you silly woman. course your dead...so nevermind. stella found her fav stick today again...she brings it to me almost daily...andwe play this I want you to have, but I dont want you to have it game... and when I ge tit, i throw it, she runs and brings it back. she grins alot. I think she is happy. If I were a dog, Id want to be like her. just a good dog. I miss the sillyness of her sniffing all the time... and that goofy grin. but there are some things I do not miss too. it is good to remember that. makes you wonder...what in th eworld is going on. and like my tumbleweed said... at least my runway is clear now. it was not such a bad day. ihad icecream. i ummm.... had ice cream....and watched some old movies. still doing that. sat nite live is a repeat. I will be a positive happy person. not a repeat of my dad. thanks alot papa.

things that go bump in the night..

i was just almost asleep. i swear. all tucked in... david letterman was over. then iheard it... the sounds of a woman.. like hse was hurting.. and she was outside my window somewhere. i thought no way, im hearin ghings...i ve lived here 8 yrs, and never heard tha tsound before. I crept up and cracked th ewindow to my bedroom an dpeeked out. I didnt hear that sound again, but saw something that made chills run up my spine... the red dot ...that had to be the lazor sights of a gun. that meant i had a red dot on me... but so far no bullet piercing my body! i think anyway... so I shut the window, and grabbed a sawed off shotgun... its heavy loaded... and i ran outside. I was not happy that someone was outside, and more unhappy that someone was pointing that at me. what else coudl it be?  I was prepared to die, or kill. or both. you could hear the sound of my pump shotgun.. but nothing. i crept around the truck. lit up the flowerbeds... nothing. then i saw the red glow. Remind me to unplug my cell phone charger!!! but that sound..? My tomcat.... making weird noises hes never made before... sounds just like a girl.

boy dont i lead an exciting dangerous life? thats me. Im  a ninja warrior... dangerous I tell ya! now im all pumped up and wide awake. maybe ill fade in the recliner...Im reminded of when my child heard things under her bed. the booger man...she just would not sleep. So id ge a can of lysol and i had it labled "boogy man killer spray". I explained that this spray would instantly kill and make disappear any boogy man hiding. I sprayed under the bed, the closet..and any place she pointed to. .. whichwere several. Then she felt satisifed.. funny she trusted a can of lysol. I have a friend that has battled breast cancer. after a couple of surgeries, she has shared that she is worried.. that she will have to undergo another surgery... in june. Im nto sure she has anything to base this on. I hope not!  I guess sometimes..no matter what age you are, things just go bump in the night.

tougher then you know.

This was my first "tornado season" with my new shelter. Im glad it was dry inside! A couple of nights, a big twister blew right over my house. Now I havent been inside of a shelter for about 35 years. You just cant see the funnel from down there! But that night, I sensed something coming that was definitely not good. I saw the weather patterns.. and I saw the radar. But then something happened for the first time. I felt something. and it said...ITS COMING! lol. well. i relooked... and waited. this storm should have gone just to the north of me...but i could see via radar new ones were coming ..right for me. Then the lightning got so bad..I decided to go ahead and test the shelter. It had just started to rain, and I timed it right. I learned some things that night. First.. take a stupid flashlight oh rocket scientist. and clean and bug bomb the thing before storm season! well. I got the one single candle lit.... NOT enough light! and kept my eye on the black widow in the corner. Every time I moved the candle  that stupid spider moved. closer! 

so i sat there... puffed my pipe..and listened. then sissy started texting me... updating me. apparantly the storm grew quickly and produced at least 2 tornadoes. both were very close to me. I heard the weather helicopter buzzing around my house. The sounds of the storm almost made me deaf!  Then the special noises.... train sounds. things hitting my metal door of the shelter... i could see the light of the lightning thru the crack in the metal door every time the door tried to fly open! good thing it was chained shut. i knew my house and/or barn was getting blown away.

while I sat there...i acknowledged that none of this "stuff" was mine anyay. Im just borrowing it all ..until my time on earth is over. The trees, grass, animals, the barn ..and my home. I figured worse come to worse, Ill still have a nice patio. lol. I knew when I opened that door... that it was going to be a shock. I braced myself. just another valley to trot through right?  i opened the door...

nothing at all ... was amiss! geesh..i could hve stayed in the house?!! I was so relieved. i did have soem barn damage. but oh well. 2 1/2 inches of rain...  sometimes things seem so bad. you pray, you worry, you just know your not gonna get past it... you figure the damage done will just be too much. but it isnt. it just isnt. i guess were tougher creatures then we know. next time...Ill pee before I go though! and I have a broom, and extra light in there too!

Happy Easter.

what am i learning here?

The journey ahead. this is my 2nd attempt to post. I guess God didnt want the first one to post! lol. Sometimes that ol short bus... gets alittle bumpy. and often I take the scenic route..around. Sometimes its dry and long, and sometimes its cold and hard. But it seems it is always MY journey to take.

So..i know this looks like I havent made much progress, but ye smart-azzes...its because its almost the same pic..outside on the dirt road by my house. just looking different directions. I wonder if I am making any progress at all? Ive been told I am... i like to think I am... that "Ive come a long way". But sometimes I wonder...

Ive been told I am selfish. I guess maybe i am? I try to be open to other points of view, but rest assured I may not agree, and I wont be shy in telling you so either. I like things to be done "my way" but if your way is better Im sure Ill recognize that. I growl alittle, and roar sometimes...but im pretty harmless. I do not believe in tantrums, or senseless arguing... and find "word games" a waste of time. When im on a project...i should loosen up abit..I admit. Im very task oriented. I wonder ..do these things make me selfish? It is too bad the observer did not offer up some specific examples of this selfishness. It wo uld have helped me to improve. Capricorns Im told need that... be to the point. use the hammer. I wont break. promise.

I try to recognize when someone is in my life for a little while...or a long while...and how to handle it when it is time for them to go. Sometimes they dont handle it well either...only to return, and leave yet again. I say cherish the memories, forget if youc an..the painful ones...and learn. So im not sure if my personaltiy is just.... not compatible with ...another human being? lol. or... maybe I am the monster my ex wife said I was! I dont really think ex wives count...in what they say.... they are not very objective I think.

So i gotta get out of this recliner and get some work done here. so ill tie my own note to this "tumbleweed", and go on about my business.

a pity party...or just a true assessment? Selfish... or... ok. Selfish it is.

Some times I just dont know what to write. I try to question myself, to see if im having a pity party... poor little man in a poor little house... I see myself here in this place ...rather isolated. A man living alone. even my dog is dead. ugh. And I wonder why I have not found a help mate. Ive more or less stopped looking now, but still the question remains. I like to think that I have "come a long ways".. but im beginning to doubt it.  sometimes the journey is hard, sometimes its just boring, but it always seems to be mine.

The last person "inserted" into my life, left with parting words of "your selfish and ..." but did not say how. Now hows a poor dum country clod supposed to learn anything if you dont explain more huh? huh? maybe sharing your inner most sacred thoughts and opinions is not enough. Maybe sharing your home,  your food, your everything... is just not enough. Of course I have strong opinions. I wouldnt be me if I didnt! Im a strong minded dominant man. I lead. I often go alone...but I lead nontheless. I guess I am destined to just continue alone...questioning my own mindsets, and existance. Wondering... why no one is following. I guess maybe I am selfish.  For a long time ive planned, and worked alone. maybe it is just what happens when your alone for years. Doing things my way always seemed quite natural to me. I dont often live up to others expectations... but i do live up to my own.  Maybe ..if while Im doing that, i can be someone or something that someone else can admire or respect... and  if not... ill just keep  going forward. What choice is there? Lay down and die? Crawl under a rock? Tried that... not my style. Id rather roar around here.

So.. onward we go. we. i guess Me and God is we. Sometimes its windy, sometimes its cold, sometimes so so hot. but always always...its just us. People come and go. For various reasons. But it seems they always go. They are coming less often now...but ...I guess I should stop watching for the one that does not leave. Is this self pity? or just assessing the situation realistically? Since i have no one to talk to here...ill just tie my own note on my own tumbleweed...and call it done. then therell be two crazy people on the prairie. now if I could only have a little bit of rain Lord.... seems fitting now.

there are some times...when you should not blog I guess.

flash from the past... focus on the present... let the future be .

Tonight..at 4 am..i find myself in a familiar place. but not one I wanted to be in really. Found a tumbleweed today. Nice. brought a smile to my face. smiles are good. Ill take one when i can make my face into one...they are brief, but seem to help somehow. I read the "note" of a woman growing and learning more of herself, and having good experiences.

Today I was shocked to see "her" behind the barn. I dont go behind the barn, but even though I was with "someone" special... I saw her anyway. she just appeard. standing int hat place... where we took a picture. or rather she took one. It was quite a shock. I think..that I covered it well though, even if my g/f is very perceptive. I again turn to God and ask that I not be defined by my past, or by what someone else says or does to me. I am not quite sure why He has not taken her out of my mind and heart to the point where I am not brought to my knees when I go through my day. Maybe I have not prayed enough lately.

So.. today I watched the sunset. I am still praying for rain. Part of me says load up the cattle, and sell sell. part of me says sit tight... you can still have hay this winter. I am blessed... with good people in my life. People who understand me, which is no small feat, and encourage me. Im in a protected place I think. I need to make old things...really old... old feelings, old ideas, old love, old heartache, old memeories, and the old me. .. and the new things...be really new. Even though they are not... if I see them with new eyes...they can be like they are new. New refreshing sights, thoughts, feelings...etc. Like a sunset...each one is new.

ok i still have not mastered the art of putting these pics where I want them to appear... my teacher disappeared before my challenged mind grasped this concept. but pretend the sunset is wehre I talked about sunsets, and the boots are where I talked about being blessed with good friends. so there.

I have many other things going on in my life... well ok not many,, bu tsome... But Ill avoid making this a Facebook update, or a diary. Just wanted to share how one can live from day to day, and still be stuck in something they are comitted to not being in! ugh.  whats the word... Discombobulated! heard that on tv ... seems to be me. i think its a real word... frustrating It hink it means...

Ive enjoyed the moments of peace. I thnk peace comes in moments. I remember a time when it was just there all the time. but Ill take the moments for now. Minutes of the sunset or the sky doing something so big and so beautiful, im not sure why the whole state hasnt stopped what they are doing and stare in wonder...as I do. the pretty red wild flowers I pick on the side of the road to put in a jar on the kitchen window sill, even though they only last a couple of days. when ducks fly overhead..quacking..., when a baby calf bucks and plays. But to often peace is overshadowed by confusion... now I know who brings peace. and I know who brings confusion. different sources. So I will continue to surrender the things I cannot understand..and just trust that I am not supposed to understand them yet. And focus on the peace moments. maybe they will turn into peace days, or peaceful ...years...

Age brings many things... pain... but also an experienced kind of viewpoint of how the world is .. and how my world is....I ve discovered I cannot climb a ladder all day and not hurt. and my right knee does not like it either. Hips hurt in a way that make me walk like an old cowboy. I bet I look like live rode along ways. ha. But it is important to remember that I am who I am... because of the things ive experienced in this age thing. this is more of a blah then a blog huh. lol. I know I am in a transition.. andI really have never liked transitions much. lets move on! I am praying a selfish prayer... that IF God will not take "her" out of my mind and heart... then He will make me appear in her mind and heart ASMUCH as she is in mine. then I can plague her too. ha. I mean... then she can have the chance to umm experience things as I do. yeah.

it doesnt matter what I miss. It matters what misses me. Ill be more watchful for tumbleweeds and notes. and I will trust that what happens is supposed to happen. now ride on and stop whining.

workin thru stuff.

sometimes the things you think will be easy are just not so easy. the other day, my "helper" sam and I were unloading a piece of plywood from the trailer, trouble was..it was under several other pieces of siding... the siding was all tied together with some of that string that home depot uses. well i decided to just jerk the string and try to move the whole stack of siding off the plywood.. and presto. Course the string broke, and Sam told me all she saw were my legs in the air... i fell right off the trailer over the fender... the plyers I had in my back pocket ..made my butt cheek numb after I hit. I was thinking..hmmm...im getting to old to fall off of this stuff. Ive fallen off horses, tractors, a couch, a woman (dont ask). and now a trailer. I guess there are times when you just have to work together, and remove each piece one at a time before you can get to where you want to get to. Seems to be that way in life too..... I keep trying to jump on the short cut bus, but it turns into the short bus...and first thing you know im doin it the long hard way ...

life never tells you straight up..what to expect. today was very windy.... sometimes its really cold. seems march is a "wild card" kind of month. So im glad my butt cheek is normal, and i didnt break anything, and i will not jerk on tie down strings again. just work thru it. i guess working through things is just part of my jourmey. that old tractor served me well. ..and yes i fell off it too. im glad the newer one is lower to the ground. not so far to fall! Its hard to know....or admit....that you have a "thing" to work through... but.. hey, im getting better at it.

now lets take a walk in the wind, eat some chocolate and go to bed. perfect.

its a conspiracy.

last night I decided to get a new ecliptical machine. it weighed a ton...and the walmart guy they drug out of the back of the store to help us... stunk with BO! but we got it home... and I drug it thru the front door. It should have dawned on me then... that this might be an underground movement by Dr. Evil and nazi people to kill me from within and "make it look like an accident"... but it just didnt. that short bus syndrome again. ugh. So i drug it in... and got the  box open. youll nevre believe it...there was 1000 parts in there. all individually wrapped. It finally did....dawn on me... that something was just not right. After I got all the parts unwrapped and organized..(the capricorn in me).. it then took me about 2 hours, some cussin... some prayin.. and toward the end...I think ...i saw that swatstik nazi Dr. Evil symbol... stuck on the machine somewhere. So... i slept... dreaming of evil bad guys with skimpy gay mustaches (hitler) trying to make me exercise. When I awoke I was determined NOT to let this spooke me. after all..I spent a ton of cash on this. you know...50 yr old... weather getting better... get al buff. make the ol ticker get better and all that. So.. I got on the thing and selected "weight loss #1". NOT a good idea. i survived it... and now ill inhale all the  ibprofen I can find....im learning though. tomrrow Ill have a towel, and some water before I get started. wont be long, and Ill completely dominate this !! yeah! *roar* yeah.

ok. now back to reality. The weather is changing...then changing again.... I struggle with letting go of the past.. something about true love last forever, and stupid romantic shit like that. I pray and wait.... and I try not to be negative. I expect...ill at some point... get used to being alone. Maybe I can get another stupid dog someday. maybe one that will not headbutt a truck going down the road. So ..lets see. what else is new.. hmm. oh thats right...nothing. country boy...dirt road... but great sunsets. maybe I can learn to sing on this kareokee thingy, and become some kind of famous youtube movie star. yeah.

Still no tumble weeds....

rose colored glasses.

tonight was such a clear beautiful night. the sky was so dark, and the stars were so bright. I found my star immediately. as i looked and felt the ever present wind blowing my hair... I thought of my life, and my past. It seems easier somehow to think of my pain rathe rthen my laughter. im not sure why that is. But anyway.. I thought of past dreams that did not come true. there I go again. thinking of the dreams tha tdidnt come true, instead of the ones that did. ha. The biggest one is the dream of "her". I had a dream girl once. I wore the prettest rose colored glasses you ever did see. I swear the was not one chip on that white pickett fence. I spoke to a friend tonight... because I could not sleep, and she workds nights... so she was up. An artist. A good friend and woman...(who wont come w/i 10 miles of me! lol) and she advised...to wait. She said things like.." shes out there.... dont settle... youll see....she will make you forget the past....." I guess the world needs an artist. so creative and passionate. I do not believe "she" is out there. stupid dream. I had one dream girl. it was enough for my lifetime. If I knew another one, she might kill me off the rest of the way. lol. Maybe the next one will do it quicker and less p;ainfully. for now, Ill try to focus on being p;ositive, and remember the dreams that did come true. lets see now... what are they. I knwo they are there.

Watching for antoher tumbleweed. Dont see any in sight. I miss those. Some people.. have words that just melt you. Sometimes you ... just want to be melted. maybe the next tumbleweed will have some of those rose colored glasses attached. ha. Im not wearing them though. never again.  Some plans evolve so slow, i never see them.... until they happen. sometimes thats good. sometimes.... not so much. 

Wine and horses.

dont you hate it when  you try to communicate with someone that is just drunk?  drunk texting, drunk facebookin... and just plain ol drunk phone calls. i wonder if they think you don tknow? Im amazed at how long it takes me to get my rose colored glasses off, and just look and listen...for what they are saying. or if it makes sense. ..or if the words are slurred so bad I cant freakin understand them!! maybe I could issue a ticket... you know. TUI ...texting under the influence? or maybe add a fine to their phone bill... for slurred talking. you know its hard to be sexy ...when you have to ask what ? what? speak plainly!!  I was told.."but Im cute".. yes. you are. so are baby tigers. But they will eat you later. Wine seems to be the thing with the ladies. wine and horses. wth? i dont have a thing against either...but comon. how about some common sense? at least they dont drink and ride the horses...

well its so windy here...tonight I took a walk as I usually do. I viewed the hen house, and the "cafe" .. which is just alittle shelter I put th e chickens food out under. I remember who was with me when tha thappened, and what we named it. I do not understand how things can change so much in just a matter of days, weeks or months. I thought that things of the heart were much more permanent. As i walked, i noticed many more memories...they seem to appear before my eyes in each place I looked. From flower beds, to watering systems, to the green gate, to painting this and that. I think if I would have had a glass of wine i might of drank it myself. ha.  I talked to God as usual .... i guess I dont get to keep that "puppy in the window".. ever. not ever...i just get to pet them. have a few good memories... and watch them disappear. wheres the wine? lets text somebody and see how long it takes them to figure out its just drunk text sext talk?

ok david letterman. make me laugh. do soemthing.

times and what they are to us...

well. its been a few days since I wrote. I found a tumbleweed today...and read the message. Im glad Im not the only person that hurts and has bad days. My internet is finally fixed! yep, i can actually answer email, and download this page!

I had a week of trying times and much frustration. A week of mistakes, and a true sense of loss. before this.. i lost my best friend. ol sparks got run over by the only stupid truck that came down the road all day long. I guess God wanted that dog...or ...didnt want me to have him anymore. I was grateful to have him for the two years I enjoyed him. Ive off the merry go round though.... off all single sites, and not a date for two weeks. I dotn even have a date lined up.

sometimes you wonder why things happen the way that they do. .. to often we cant figure it out, because we want what we want to happen...in fact we wnat it so bad that we lose sight of why ...these things are happening? make sense? So harvest when it is havest time, and plant when it is planting time. and the other times... seem to be waiting times. Im not real high on this waiting thing.

but oh well. as for now, i think ill go to prairie kitchen and get me soem biscuts and gravy, and eggs. yeah. and coffee. yeah.

just a swingin..

Today was a beautiful day. Sunny... and not too windy. I checked the fence lines on the 4 wheeler , and sat in the metal swing i hung long ago in the woods. its over sees a pasture... and faces west. I used to sit there and watch the sun set...and with luck sometimes see a deer crossing over. I looked up as I have often done, and looked up through the branches in the tree. I remember so many times before seeing the different sights ..as the seasons changed. sometimes it had leaves, sometimes the skyh was gray. Today... no leaves, but a nice blue sky. I watched as clouds rolled in and obscured the sun, and the day darkened. I noticed the sun rays shining downward from behind them, and the coolness of the wind  as the evening approached.  I sit .. in the middle.... of something.... i know not what.... and I wonder... when to get up and leave, and when to just sit still and listen and learn. I hear everything....the wind, the grass blowing... the birds that are singing. But I do not hear my voice of direction. I hear memories of the past.... they are always with me. It is too bad that my life has become a batch of memories, with no apparent meaning.  I cleaned my  house today. yes I said I cleaned it. and put my late dogs bed and toys away. It was a sad time. but it was my time. so I am still wondering and stumbling along... about what I am to do next. just sit here on this 65 acres...in the middle of nowhwere.... doing my quiet country thing alone? or ...sell it all.... and be ready to move. to leave. and then what.... im wondering what if anything will come next. Maybe life will change..sometimes it does.

Until then, I will watch and learn. soak up wha tI can..tha tis positive, and push away all the negative energies of my life.  im just a swingin..... wheres charlette at??

valley week.

well its been a rough few days. said a good bye to some special people... and my dog died too. rough week. yes ol sparkys done went and played with a moving truck. I got him all scooped up and buried out  in the pasture. Its a much quieter home now...im still thinking i can glue all the hair he lost in the house, and maybe make a whole nother dog. I also emailed an old lover.... and told her id can finally be "just friends" with her.. and was told...i dont think so. sigh. hard to believe i used to pray with her morning and nite over the phone, and love her with all my heart. now throw in one little disturbance at work...and you got my week.

wish I could find my tumbleweed .... but lately there is not been one ....

I had a birthday dinner with my oldest today. im so proud of her.

i am just to tired to get too deep or write too much. but i can say this ....in all that has happened this week, i miss one sexy peaceful voice in my ear. but for reasons I cannot go into here, i cannot hear her now. but I miss her words. I hope her worlds is more at peace now...then it was the last time i heard her voice.  Some people can write so well...and speak so well. I can write and speak, but ... just from a slow boring country life point of view.
mama said thered be days like this..thered be days like this...days like this.....

people, hope, and another day.

My bones are weary. My spirit is tired. I think i have a pretty good front though. Some of my closest friends cant even tell. If I closed my eyes, i would see the fog rolling in again... the wind blows alittle to hard.. and im standing on a hilltop alone... my duster blowing in the wind.. my head down.. cant raise that brim up ua know. its not cool to go chasin your hat. So there I stand ...in my mental image...seeing , but feeling too. the cold bite of the wind.  the tired feeling i get when Im just tooooo tired. And I stand there, and leave just alittle hope in that spot. because I know people are just not waht they seemed to be. It would be nice if they were, but they are just not. Maybe some of them want to be, but their actions just overload their words. They just do not match up. But I can slice up the little hope I have left  in very small pieces. I still have some, but alittle bit of it will  just stay here on this hill. And when I open my eyes, my reality will appear again, and I will mask my bitter disappointment with the strength i still have left. Im used to it. my mask is in place again... and no one can tell who I am exactly...

As darkness comes, and I reflect the day... i talk to God. I ask why I cant see people they way they really are. from the inside out...instead of from the outside in. And I try not to feel. because when I do, i feel the losses. the sense of ....needless heartbreak. the bitter bitter disappointment. who needs a dream? or a dream girl? who needs any of it? I cant help but see the beauty of His handiwork...as the sun sets. and Im grateful. I really am. There was a time not so long ago, I would not have even noticed it. I see the swirls and colors. I sure hope you have a plan for me Lord. And if it is more lonely hilltops, I suppose youwill give me enough hope to leave alittle here and there. maybe someone else will find them...and pick them up. hey maybe Im planting hope for someone else. If so, this is not so bad ...Ill just watch the sun go down. and embrace the darkness. goodnite world.

a reason, a season or a life time...

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.! LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant . Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.............

Another Days Journey

 the ground is uneven, it usually is. I just seem to continue on. the sun sets..and I feel the weather change alittle. its alittle cooler and i feel a breeze that sends a chill to my bones. its this way everytime. I wonder what I will see that is different this time ?  tonight I will camp, and try to stay warm. the fire is here... and I hope to maybe find something left over in my bags to eat. Im not very hungry, I am just hungry for something i must learn. I feel if I dont learn it ..I will be forced to continue this journey...possible forever. The flames feel good, and as I sit, i think of what I have learned this day. I notice my wounds are only bleeding just alittle. This is a good thing. Ive often wondered if I could just bleed to death, but so far it has not happend.

The morning brings a bright sunrise... beautiful. But dont look at it very long, elseyour eyes will hurt. Todays travel will maybe encounter something new... a new sight, a new trail, a new experience. It may bring rain, or fire, or even blood. hows that song go? "ive seen fire and I ve seen rain, ive seen sunny days I thought would never end..ive seen lonely times when I could not find a friend...but I always thought Id see you again".  you know the way it goes. And I look at the sunrise again...

I look forward to todays journey. Let healing begin, the bleeding stop, and the joy from within shine again. maybe I ll find another tumblweed with another loving message in it today.

not a dream girl.... a real one. Let her come....

"and Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from looling after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: they people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest,will I die, and there will I be buried; the Lord do so to me, and more also,if aught but death part thee and me." Ruth 1: 16-17

For just today... think of her heart. what is she like? what is her insides about? Is she true, and pure? When she smiles at you does it light up  your world? Do you adore the way her eyes twinkle at you ? Can you tell when HER heart skips a beat? She walks across the room... and bends down kisses my ear. she whispers... "I love you" and walks away. yes I look at her ass.

how peaceful it is. how wonderful it feels. like a soft rain under a beautiful rainbow. promises of never inflicting pain again to you...but having the thing that nourishes your world. your body. your heart, your spirit. Is this "one day over the rainbow"?

It is my world because I want it to exist. someday it will. and I will not dwell on the past. I will have someone that wants me...just the way I am today. they adore me now. not in some dream world. They want to be with me wherever I am at because they love me.

update and life

Well..im sure that the people that used to follow my blogs will not find me here. I used to post and blog regularly on myspace, but when it changed...I just went to Facebook.. and now here I am. So I will not blog here.

I have nto written a blog or teh way my day went in quite sometime. about a year I guess. In that time, i reunited with my california dream girl.... and have been dumped by her yet once again. Im learning a new way of thinking, and a new way of life.  I am ready to accept life alone, if that is what God has for me.

i give a special thank you to my very special "prairie girl" whos letters I have taken from her tumbleweeds, and melted over her words. perhaps...someday, ill melt over her lips. I plan on it.

18 gears vs 30 years

Jul 5, 2010

18 gears vs 30 years

I so remember the days of my  youth...when I rode a bike for so long. I sure got my moneys worth out of that old otasco Flying O 10 speed. Ive learned alot about todays bicycles, but thats another story. I decided ill get me a cheap bike, and get back into shape and I can feel the wind on myface again...the way I used to. Peaceful. I used to ride when I got home from highschool, until dark every day for years. I rode well into my 20's. Some of my best memories ...so. off I go. got the walmart $88 mt. bike... woo hoo.  I hopped on it as soon as I could and took off down my dirt road. Now its alittle over 2 miles to the paved road...and its 1/2 mile to the "T" down the road... and I made it about 100 yards. lol. not to the T. lol. i thought I was going to die. So I googled this situation, and made adjustments. Raised the seat.... discovered there are 18 gears, not 6.. lol. and tried again. ive made it to the T...but yesterday I decided my mission was to make the pavement 2 miles away. My AZZ hurted with every freakin bump. apparently my butt was made of tough leather when i was  younger... maybe it was due ot the butt whuppins I got withthe wooden board i used to get in HS... I dont know. Maybe I should google "hurtin bike butt"? I think  I will. I noticed my heart was workin harder then I remember it... and I sweated like a pig in church. wait. ..thats not right. a ...well. anyway... I did make the pavement. but was afraid to go much further on the smooth pavement. I was noticing every hill, and could just see myself calling 911 ...help I cant get this freakin bike home again. ..Ithink Im gonna die. (and my azz hurts) So..i turned around. I figuired although its uphill mostly on the way back,  and its been 30 yrs since I rode...hey this dang thing has 18 gears right? the one I rode back then was only 10 speeds. well I used every gear and wished I had more. But I did make it back w/o pushing or having a seiszure. I thought about 911 though. I took a pic when I got back, and i think you can see the hurt lines in myface. what do you think? any suggestions? my goal is to get back into riding shape. Im open to suggestions.

Life

Jul 4, 2010

life

in times of uncertainty..(did I spell it right?) in times when you are nto sure of the future..and you wonder where you will wind up..? I think the whole country is close to this place. When you are confused, and bewildered about why this has happened...  I try to remember that you cannot recognize or appreciate the good tiems..when things are right and well within you and your world, if now and then, it does not come apart. Valleys are not forever. Neither are hilltops. and that is the ride we are on. Its the one thing you can count on....that things and tiems will change.

There is only one thing that doesnt change....He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

During my latest trip to calif...some interesting things happened. the well house pump went out. that was a cool. $1000 bill. and on antoher day, recieved a call from a neighbor that one of my cows was in my front yard. it wasnt mine, it was another neighbors cow. apparently my yard/flowers are more attractive to the other cows. But all in all things are good. My g/f has cancer surgery soon...and I would appreciate your prayers for her.

I am not sure about this life of mine. There was a time when I th ought it was so well planned out. I wonder how many of you thought that at this stage and age of your life, you would be where  you are at?  I guess I will delay putting new siding up on the house..for a bit. But I still have the goal of getting that new disc, so I can plant winter wheat the first of sept. its not to far away.we shall see what direction this ride Im on goes from now til then. Im holding on, my hat pulled down low, and Ill look it in the eye.... with a few more wrinkles and gray hairs...At least the truck or tractor has not caught on fire, like it once did. lol.

Closed Caption Monster!

Closed Caption Monster!

ok.. i hate me. i do this ...i get so bored... sitting here watching tv...and I decided Id try something. silly me. ive managed to slim down to 2 remotes to work this stupid tv.. but I figured hey, wouldnt it be nice if when someone called, I could mute it, and still see the words. you know. ...and know how the movie ended... I can do this right? ugh. After all Im an accomplished man. College degree and all that. So i started looking at the longer remote..the one that controls the sound. Finally I see something called CC. and Sound options.. and this closed caption crap. Well i pushed something..and the words started coming across the screen. Trouble is, they keep coming! even when the sound is NOT muted! I finally got it to display in english. ugh. but I cant get it BACK to normal...or only when i mute it. ugh!! wheres a teenager when you need one? I should be able to do this ..im not 50 yet! you only lose your electronic talents, and start sitting on your balls when your 50 dammit! I should have one more good  year! Maybe Ill shoot this one...that always took care of my problems in the past... i been needin one of those flat screen things anyway. Well im gonna let the CC (i thought it was CC rider...not!)  button cool down...then try it again. stupid words are in the way!! ugh!!!

Dear Valentine

Feb 20, 2010

Dear Valentine

Take My Hand and walk with me, From where we are to where we will be. Love is a mystery.

We'll learn what life is as we go-- no map. no answers. All I know is this: I love you so.

All my love on Valentines Day and every day.

some days suck

Jan 31, 2010

some days suck.

some days just suck ya know? im not complaining...its just..I wish i could see them coming. an older couple that I have known a long time died yesteerday. their house blew up... a gas leak.. and he is still alive. he would be better off dead i think.  the snow and ice I have dealt with fairly well. You always think you are more prepared then you really are though... i lit the candles. and two indoor lanterns. i had plenty of light. but my one flashlight..rechargeable.. went dead way to soon. good thing there was antoher one in the garage. and when I fnally decided to fire up the generator..i couldnt find the can of starter fluid. ugh. I finally did find it, but the nozzle was gone. so i tried to use my fingernail to get in to squirt. then the rope broke. ugh. so i decided to go to town...after alli could get some gas, coffee. whatever.
on the way back... i passed one of those snow plows. you kow the blade was sitcking out inthe shoulder...then passed my turn off. i pulled over thinking Ill make a U turn...then the plow truck was coming...coming to fast. I was afraid it would hit me...so I made my u turn. that s when I realized that the truck does not turn tight AT ALL... when in 4wd. ugh. i did not make it back on the road..but I did go thru the bar ditch..it was 2 feet of snow...and no fences. so..I decided to floorboard it...or be stuck. i kept gong..and going... until finally i got to a road. I was back on the road I had missed. it could have been worse. and Im not even going to discuss relationship troubles. ugh. all on this same day..

well sparkys alive. im only missing one cat and one cow. my place has not burned down..and i am not still alive after being burned up. now that would be a bad day.

its just another day in oklahoma...

winter wonderland

Jan 8, 2010

winter wonderland

what a winter so far. i predict at least one more snow storm in feb too. a white out on christmas eve... i think i can still hear bing crosby singin some stupid song.... about a white christmas. im chopping ice on the pond so the cows can drink. and why must they wait til its 5 deg to have a new born calf? no babies lost yet.  a slight miscalculation means im on my last bale of hay... and i need more quickly! but ill find some..these handy dandy windows i got are working well with this wood burnin stove. it feels like grampas house...so hot you have to freakin hang your head out the window...(that tilts for ya.. the window that is..) just to suck in some fresh cold air.  at 90 deg...inside...it feels like yoru skin is sweating and sliding off of your body...and your new leather recliner..is...well. lets not go there.
someday Ill learn how many logs NOT to put on the fire...the kitties are not frozen...  yet.

I wonder who ordered up all this cold stuff? i havent fallen yet. not yet. only one water leak, and theres a frozen cow in the ice ..that used to be the pond. ill go cut some meat off her back side tomrrow.i can cook it on my woodburnin stove. nothing too funny going on..i havne tdone anything toooooo stupid lately. but im over due. Me and sparkys still alive....and doing ok. happy new year everybody!

Merry Christmas yall!

Dec 13, 2009

Merry Christmas yall!

i have a g/f that had this great idea. shes learned to do short phone videos (no wise cracks! lol) and decided we shall do daily songs to each other..until Christmas. ive roasted my nuts over the fire (if you dont know the words you have ot make them up), ive caught Sammy kissin Santa Claus, sang yingle yells yingle yells.., and had a blue chirstmas w/o you. but do you know how many days it is from dec 1 to christmas? thats right.. 25 songs. now its getting challenging....and the music on on the satilite radio... and old movies sing them on the turner classic movie channel. ok so maybe I should try a diff channel and new tastes.

the new hand made amish stove is also roasting my chest n nuts out of this house! i have to learn to handle the temp of it... im like one of those little old men. 14 deg outside. and 88 deg inside! with the windows (which are new and im still paying for) are OPEN...  but at least I havent burned the house down.

its a sentimental time...and the weather is cold one day, and hot another. (68 today) Sparky is good, and im semi busy with indoor projects trying to ManUp my mancave. now to finish filling the girls stockings. okok i know they are grown. but i have a great time pretnding they are still kids, an d putting the stupidest things I can find in them...with the envelope of money which they really want....inside. besides candy, i need to find other stuff. like a plastic tiarra...so they can pose with pictures as princesses. nothing for a 22 yr old huh? She graduated from college yesterday. now for the 18 yr old.

I have wood to cut, and things to do. my little house in the ....boondocks....is starting to look better. Ive met some old friends online....after many years...(except wendy!) and it was nice to finally see them in person. And I still believe in old romance, mistletoe,  and "true love" are you sick yet? i think I am. 

so. on Christmas day... the girls will be away with their mom...and Ill be "living the dream" here... me and sparky.  Its not as bad as it sounds... in fact its ok. Thats how it is here ...this country christmas 2009

the new ekg

Oct 30, 2009

the new ekg.

I remember watchin dad as I grew up.... getting these little wires hooked up to him.. they called it an EKG. those were the old days... at the ER ...it seemed tobe an all day experience.  now years later... things have changed so much.

its a quicky now.  you go in, and poof. some nurse (she wasnt bad lookin!) unsnaps your shirt...lays you down... and starts putting these little sticky snapy thingys on you to hook u the wires. then she says.. undo your pants...i have to put two on your hip bone. I dont remember that back in the ER...but ok. now it was drafty. but they went poof...and presto. it was done. they said the squiggly lines were all normal. i think the nurse was cravin me, yeah...cuz she made me take all the stickyh things off myself!! what kind of service is that? two days later I found one still stuck to me! i guess I missed one...

Ill probably have to make payments on those squiggly lines that took about 30 secs to do.. after insurance is done! ugh. id say each little squiggly line cost me about ten bucks.

I asked em to tighten the bolts in my neck but they just looked at me funny. they also said they didnt do fangs, or claws...but scheduled a stress test. that should be interesting. I can see myself now... shoes, sweats, a treadmill, and me running like the 6 mill dollar man.  "hes up to 60 mph!".

at least i got some sample viagras from him! yeah.

the green mile

Sep 28, 2009

the green mile

The night is quiet, and the window by my bed is crystal clear. the moon is half, and the steel blue colored clouds stretch in rippled waves across the night sky. a pale reflection of moon light is spread around as it peeks in between the clouds, and make little silver linings on each rippled band of clouds. the wind is breezy... and blows myhair.. the trees seem to be alive with the sounds of frogs and locusts singing...

this night is like all the others. quiet. and alone. I wonder many things on nights such as these. Each day my life is alittle shorter. I stumble through week to week... seeking the answers to questions i may never solve. I realize now... that this journey is mine. And there will be no one to go with me through it. It makes me consider what the total results of my presence on earth has been thus far? If I disappeared..would the locusts or frogs know it? Would there be a space where I once existed even as big as small space between those clouds.. 

each day the sun rises... and today I saw 2 butterflies... my quest may continue and be unresolved... but it is mine all the same. So until the last day, I will keep on going. This is my journey. Living with my failures, living with what I almost had, trying to enjoy what I wind up with. This ... is my green mile....

you cant travel it as much as you can feel it. can you feel it?

the shower door install

Aug 23, 2009

the shower door install

well the time finally arrived.... that old door was leaking leaking.. so i did it. first i tore the old one down... it took me a bit to figure how it came off. lol. i realized it was just kinda stuck...and the trim work had pieces that fit inside of each other...so i couldnt see the screws ... then the new item.

directions. boy. some lame drunk drew the pictues of the instruction books shower door.  you could tell which way it was opening... you wouldn t think this was important..but the directions said... be sure and install the pivot plate  here..and the strike plate there.. well. ya cant tell...by looking. so ..i figured... pivot..tha tmust be the side with hinges right? and strike..the side that the door shuts up against. ok. now. the bottom thingy. does it go this way or that way. i put it in 3 times. ..thats my usuall number of times before i figure it out. lol. now it said... before you put this in... measure from point A to  the handle on the strike plate..provided you knwowhat that is... and subtract 8/16's of an inch from that.. and..

i forgot to tell you i cant read a measuring tape. something about being too brilliant to ever learn..or some other problem... i got the simple measurements down... but just never mastered a tape measure. so. i eye balled it. im a good eye baller...

well. its up. the door shuts. i caulked the crap out of it. now. for this morning smoke test.. or rather... water test.... to see if it leaks...

so in spite of the pivot plates, shock plates, and that pesky measuring requirement.. i got th stupid thing up. I wonder if that bathroom leans alittle? cuz the door...well. its ... slanted? hey. as long as it shuts and dont leak right?

wish me luck.

big and shiny it is

Aug 13, 2009

big and shiny it is...

I knew it would be pretty..and the big shiny stainless steel icebox would match my other appliances too. Finally...i can give the old ice box to someone that needs it bad. it is nice.. and has crushed ice and... ut oh. NO water line.. never needed one. but the day before the arrival of the big pretty icebox., i decided to try it...install a water line myself. I knew id have to crawl under the house... I got my friend lavoise to come over and be my helper.. and I carefully got all my tools together. I know me...and I tend to have to redo stuff when I do projects, and I knew being under the house..would suck.

I eyeballed the crawlspace... and began slithering thru. When I saw how little the spaces were between the damp ground, and the rafters... thats when I said..."houston.. we have a problem".. but I was on a mission. So...i cralwed. dragging my trusty power drill with me. smart as I am, I was gonna drill UP... not down..that way I wouldnt hit another waterline! I crawled until I finally got there...and realized..I had forgotten the copper water line. ugh. After crying, kicking, and bumping my head on soemthing... i yelled for help. I hate doing that. Luckily..my helpers little boy...bravely scampered under the house with the waterline in tow... boyhe got around under there way better then I did. We stretched the line... and now was the time to drill UP... the hole goes under the drawer... of the bottom cabinet...next to the the fridge... and wouldnt you knw it... i have TWO extra holes...outside the cabinet....right thru the carpet...(I always have to do it 3 times). I thought man... no wonder you cant get a plummer to do this crap. He cant get down here, and its too freakin hard.. ThenI got stuck. I swear Im not that big. But I was. that when I changed frequencies from Houston to LORD? getme OUT! and I did... in a bit... lets not talk about the ropes and sirens...popcorn, and other activities like the national gaurd and firedepartment...

But finally. There it is. Big shiny. the first time I turned the water on..it leaked like a sift. (what IS a sift??)  but I got it done. ill give it the 24 hour watch for leaks... and hope that tomrrow, ill have ice! and cold water in the door! yeah!

now...for the new shower door I have to install. that ll be another story. wheres my drill?

motorcycle blues

Aug 6, 2009

motorcycle blues

well I did it. I sold my cycle. just today. sigh. funny how you dont utilize or appreciate somethign when you have, but when you feel the loss of it, then you miss it. lol. of course I know I am better off w/o it. no more zipping around at 90 mph.  and my kids are going to be glad that I sold it too....

im not sure why i felt the need to blog it though...sigh. yee hawww. no more payments! but for now... ive the the blues...the I dont have a cycle blues...sniff. just pictures!

Virgins windows OMG

Aug 1, 2009

VIRGIN windows..OMG....

ok so I had this great plan...i cant seem to measure a window twice and get the same results, so I decided to have handy dandy home depot come out and give me the free estimate. ( I was just gonna get the measurements and do it myself you see) dont do that. the handy dandy man came. he had a great sales pitch. demo windows, and the little cut out versions of what your piece of crap window you now have looks like in the inside (of the frame)..and what this high tech piece of art looks like on the inside... but remember...this is not a purchase...this is an investment. right? he said so. he said alot of really catchy informative stuff. you know...the rq / ra insulatived reflective number being below 2.3 and all that stuff. very good to know... after all. its EIGHT freakin damn THOUSAND dollars of windows. (the freakin damn part was custom and therefore a slightly extra cost..but well worth it!) AND... these were not regular windows... no sir reee..

let me explain...you see the regular windows you see at the home depot store...that tilt and all that. are NOT these special windows. THESE windows were like ...first designed for famous people. ..so being close to famous..(just undiscovered) im thinkin yeah. my windows... the guy said..the store windows would be the little league team , and THESE windows would be the world series winner team... see? THESE windows tilt and swivel... they have a life time this and that garantee...and you cant get windows made out of airplane stuff. I tried to bend the frames, you just cant do it. and the screens...they are especially distasteful to bugs. I tasted one. they suck. AND a life time warranty too... and HEY!!! he showed me how  you just takeem out of the frames.. poof. they clean them selves! thats right! self cleaning freakindamn windows. with life time shit on em. now what do you think? huh? huh? all yo do is runnum under water and putem back in..and wipem down. poof. they all cleaned up!!

oh and the best part. they are made out of VIRGIN vynyl... thats right. aint that sexy? I think that means they are beter then sex. who needs a woman? I got high protein bars, self cleanin sexed up windows, and a dog that I am sure can learn to vacumn! heck he barks at it now! thats just two paws from vacumin! so all i have to do is pay for the whole freakin damn thing...... and presto. im good to go.

i tell you what. im a freakin rocket scientist. oh!!! AND i ordered a NEW icebox... ( i found out they call em refridgerators now) AND it has that water thing in the door and all. but that s a whole nother blog...just you wait...

What I learned this Year 2009

Jul 28, 2009

What I learned this year...

its half way into the year of 2009. the year of 2008 was the best year of my life, but I have to pause about this time of year, to evaluate what things i have learned this year.

that some blogs are funny, some are serious. funny ones are appreciated more.
how to install a dishwasher w/o flooding the floor.
how to install a overhead microwave/venthood w/o burning ME up...or hte house.
how to love a dog. How to wait on things I cant see, w/o going crazy...ok...crazier.
To enjoy good times, as they just do not last...except as a memory in your heart.
That Elvis really has left the building...
to love with all my heart, body, and soul. To give up something because i love it enough to let it go.
How to make a carport completely disappear.
That chocolate comes in high protein bars...
that some people just choose to live in their fear...
that being beautiful on the outside is just as important as being beautiful on the inside. (it is too!)
that someday over the rain bow.... is still a dream... that may never come true.
that God works very slowly when it comes to hard heads.... maybe so itll soak in or something. ugh.
that hitting a tractor wheel with yoru fist because it is stuck will break your hand.
that I am tougher then I thought I was..i mean... just as tough as I knew I was. yeah.
that the truck runs better on ice when its in 4wd.
that you can arrest 5 people in one night.
that even when those you love are gone, they are not really gone. not in Sundances World anyway..
that it still can be a 70 deg difference in the weather in oklahoma in a 24 hour period.
that there might be one person that is more stubborn then I am.
that cats really are naughty aliens from another world that were banned as punishment to earth... for the rest of their lives. (field goal!)
that running is not the answer...


im looking forward to the list of things I have yet to learn the rest of this year.

Elvis has left the building

Jul 14, 2009

Elvis has left the building

ok i did it. finally i did it. i forgot ONE time to shut the stupid door to the hen h ouse, and now Elvis has indeed left the building.... in a coons mouth. yep. EP is dead. I already miss his crowing. he would run right up to the back door, and start crowing while he ate the cats food. ugh.

Then the AC to the police car went out...thats $445.16 .. then not least but last... I somehow for the first time in my life, lost cash. ugh. about $160 must of fell out of my pockets of my shorts. so. what a day. momma said thered be days like this..days like this... lol.

ok. well. i have cool air now. i have money...2 bucks. lol. and I have nothing to have to be home by dark for now ... just locke up th ehen house and forget it. no more hens for awhile!

I still have my fav cat. If I can have a cat that I can call a favorite that is. Blackie is still around. all the rest of my 8 cats are gone/dead or beamed up by Elvis i guess. maybe they didnt like dogfood. sparkys still here. good thing he dont have thumbs, or hed be driving the new ac car down the road to better dog food.

so when all these crappy things happen... remember to repeat the following phrase..:

scooby scooby do!!  now... you cant really treat crappy days seriously if your reciting scooby phrases can you? I dont think so.  oh well. the week is half over, and its gonna cool down to the mid 90s here...
thats how it is... here in oklahoma today.
scooby scooby dooo!

Me and the Bachelors

Jul 2, 2009 ok so i message a few. This one smokes dope..just an occassional one mind you... and that one has 15 kids, this one smokes...and that one is just plain crazy nuts. ugh. Another ones picture did not reflect who she really was or looked like. it was 40 lbs ago, and im thinking it might be her sister anyway. She says.."well I havent changed that much anyway" ugh. 

And then theres that first meeting. geesh. you know in 15 seconds... that its a no. And once in a while it takes a 2nd date... to know. Meanwhile me and sparky mow the yard. well. I do. sparky just continues being the dog around the house. Elvis the rooster is all thats left now. The coons got to them all one night...so now its just us bachelors. At least the cat s havin some action, she had kittens!

So I talk to God and wonder what weird mysterious plan He has... and how it will be to turn 50 and still live in this desolate place alone. I guess He has something going on up there, that has disallowed the "big Picture". surely its not ME. Im so flexible, and ... whats the opposite of hard headed?.....

I wonder how everyone else is doin ? if you ever have similar thoughts? Myabe your rooster has LOTS of hens... lol. Maybe you like being alone? I wonder how that works. aint got it figured out yet. But Im all over that. Me and the bachelors...go Elvis, go Sparky, go me.

Me and the Bachelors

well at first glance, this internet dating idea sounded so good. just a great idea. But well.. its not so much I think. Y ou sit down, and go thru a big catalog, and look at this one and that one... too fat, too ugly...to fat and to ugly.... and then you feel shallow. lol. but hey, thats what the pictures are for right? If you were car shoppin youd not pick a car that didnt suit you wo uld you? I dont want that station wagon, but boy, its got a great radio in it! NOT.

new phase of life

June 17, 2009
this morning i made the time to sit on the back step, and sip my cup of coffee. no interuptions.. i noticed the way the sun rising relfected off of the clouds in the south. It was sure beautiful. I wonder how many times I just did not notice this? I wonder how many sights such as this, that I just missed? And then I wonder what else am I missing? maybe I just wonder too much. lol.

I have been single for 6 years now. Im getting older. I am sure this is something someone reading this might identify with. Its a phase of my life I did not intend to enter alone. But I guess I will be alone..and I cannot afford to make more plans for "if" or "when" she comes to be with me in my life... Sound familar? So I will try hard to adjust to the thought and mindset of living my life alone, and being content with it. I do not think I will ever be happy wiht it. But content doesnt sound all so bad at this point.

So. step one... focus on the blessings. on the things that bring me peace and joy. sparky...baby calves....sunsets...coffee on the back step..instead of the problems in front of me which seem neverending. step two: get busier... its summertime. get out side. enjoy th eblue sky. Winter will come soon enough. and lastly... talk to God alot. Somehow acknowledging that He knows what im doing and where Im at helps me to do it more contentedly. (is that a word?)

Ive made my pleas. ive made my requests. Now I will look at my place in life, and be proud of who and what Ive stood for, and continue on. but without the expectation of a mate. aww who needs a mate anyway right? zone bars are tasting pretty good. shed probably wanna drive my tractor anyway.... and id have to share my toys.

so off.... to the next phase of life.... with a new mindset.

Sparkys Hair Dog Clone

Apr 8, 2009

Sparkys Hair Dog Clone

WEll today was the last training day, so I should be good for the year. I thought I d get me anice new log splitter, but i found out that I cannot use my tractors current hydrolic hook up.... and by the timeI put antoher one on there, Id be better off to just buy one wiht a motor on it. So...I priced them. whew. they are HIGH.
so this sparky the dog thing.... its going pretty well. I think this dog might be smarter then some people I know. I wonder if he can draw a check? hmmm. There is a problem though.... its the hair. geesh. i can comb him, and comb him, and get no hair. but if I pet him with my hand, the hair jumps on me..and tries to overtake me! its like... attack of the sparky hair... so I thought hell. I can make me a whole nother dog with the hair I pet off this one! so I did! yep. a life size sparky replica! course the hair was..well. not right. its hard to get it all to go the same way, like God did it on sparky. I wonder how many dogs He made before he got the hair to all run the same way? Anyway.... the first time "HairSparky" barked I swatted him and said no...and well. killed him! now theres just a mess of freakin hair. ruin a good vacum cleaner. surely theres something I can do with all of it..besides throw it out. Myabe i could sell it as.... BigFoot hair on ebay or soemthing...  Until then, Ill just have to get a better comb. maybe I can teach sparks to comb him self. hey he can lick his own ass. why shouldnt he be able to comb himself? At least he looks good in a red bandana.