wedding suck.... so do luke warm friends....

the life in a small town cop.... aging...at 53 yrs of age....trying to stay fit.... getting all the regular things done that you need to get done. Then you get a stomach ache which turns into the removal of your appendix.... then  you come back to work...and   get a call that you need to go look for a local hoodlum....as there is a warrant in a neighboring county, and they want him. Couldn't have a quiet day. no ...no.... gotta do this while were recovering from some stupid surgery.  So then theres the go to the ol ladies house and plug up the wheelchair ...cuz shes stranded in her wheely deely chair with a dead battery....in the middle of her living room... and then theres the dog complaint..... when I get there, theres 10 little white puppies running around yipping at whatever puppies yip at... just one thing after antoher. Now on ANY other day, you can sit here in the car and watch paint dry. No a speeder, not a dog loose, not a single call. But not after surgery....no sir ree...

So anyway, theres court today... we can see how many people wanna fight their ticket. yee yaw.

NOw lets talk about weddings. omg... such a pain in the ass. NO body wants to help the mother of the bride out.... oh they say we will help...but where are they when its time to clean out the cabin? or prepare a wedding album? or do a hundred other things? Where are they at photo time? can they even run an errand for you while you take off work and spend the whole day trying to make this a good memorable wedding experience? no way.... they are so full of shit... and good wishes. I say shit and good wishes can grow any garden.... but doesn't do much for a friendship. If these are the kinds of friends that we have....who needs enemies? At least I know my enemies are not going to do anything for me..... they'll tell me up front....

So you cant count on anyone.... except God and yourself. And God takes His sweet time. Seems His time is perfect or something like that....so I wont go there.

Ive got lots of other things to vent and talk about....but Im trying to go easy and not run off all the invisible fans and readers that are out there lappin  up every word I type on this stupid half size screen. So Ill halt right there.

so remember...even though... the world sucks, you cant count on anyone....and no one cares about you or your wellbeing..... "you are special, you are loved....." uh huh.

Now about the time I get ready to end this rant....and go back to work, itll start raining.

oh crappy day...

ugh. its been a rough week. and its only Tuesday. I maybe worked too hard on the weekend. I think I need some play time. I am not a happy camper today..so Ill be brief. The day didn't end well yesterday, and didn't start well this morning... the car overheated.... and its hard to give a citation with no car. I can run along the roadway and yell sounds like a siren...but most likely, the men in white jackets will be called, and Ill just get too hot.

so im done and so is my attitude for the day. And anyone that smiles at me may get bitch slapped.

trust and jobs.

hello invisible peepers. I see I remain a mystery.... good.

times have been good but very tiring and very exhausting. I tell ya...this getting older bit...sucks. and not in a good way. I used to work all day and be able to do it the next day with no problem...but now im so sore I can hardly get my shoes tied, or my boots on. aleeve and "old people cream" are my best friends....IF I can get it on.... good thing I have a wife that will put it on me... she needs some now and then too.

weddings. ugh. My household is stressed to the max. this stepdaughter gets married soon. This month.. and her soon to be hubby quit his job... ugh. didn't like the way the boss talked to him. Seems he thinks someone is going to bail him out or something. I have no idea. but I hope he gets a soft spoken boss in the future... so he will stay at work.

anyway... times come and go. I hope the things tha tbother me now will be taken care of, and my mind set at ease. I guess I just have to =trust God that it will be.  Im getting tired of this job... myself. But Ill not quit until I find another one.

I have not much else to say. Im exhausted and tired....and the week is just starting. seems these weekends are worse than the work week. maybe I can actually rest up on the job to prep for the upcoming weekend. ha.

Let peace and harmony, rest and a revival of mind body and spirit enter within immediately! thank you LORD!                  

easter weekend. perfect.

happy easter invisible people. this is Monday. another early day. get up at 5. at work by six. showered shave and in uniform. thankful for my bride to make me breakfast or I wouldn't get any.

we did easter egg hunts, took pictures, ate easter luncheon...that me and my bride made. we have a vitamix that we are experimenting with.

it was a nice weekend.... weather was just perfect. I got to see both girls...which was special.

im sleepy and drug out. it was a hard tiring weekend. burned abit of wood in the "clay pot".. as I call it. I didn't get to mow the yard, and it was a nice gentle rain. Im guessing itll be ready to mow before sat ...my next day off.

ok falling asleep here...gotta get some coffee. I saw too many easter rabbits, and not enough open jesus tombs.... I got kisses and hugs...from the ones I love... I saw children having fun. I thanked God for breathing... which is more than I could say a few years ago. All in all it was a good weekend. the redbuds are blooming... I saw a cardinal. perfect.

the good turns in life...finally.

good morning world. its been a good week. eventful. from dead bodies to car accidents, to first aid, to traffic tickets... to the ups and downs of married life, to parents aging, in the hospital, and on and on. At least it was not a boring week. I have a new lawn mower! yeah. And I have a new genuine black in color VITAMIX! oh yeah. now im gonna be so freaking healthy. yes I am.

I better do something ..Im about to bust out of these breetches im wearing...

ive been delinquent in writing here lately. the weather is warming up... and getting nicer. were getting some rain, and things are blooming. I guess its spring. finally. who d of thought it would ever arrive.? whew. it was a long winter. I have got to get back to the farm to see what the kids have done.. lol. one can never tell. I know they are mowing the yard, cuz I saw it on fb. ha..

I don't feel very funny...this am. just tired. I could use another cup of coffee. lol. so Ill say God is good, Life is good... its been a good week in general... with a few challenging days. yesterday was good. IT started out well, and ended well. what more can you ask? yay me. yay us. Im thankful for my wife.... with all her quirks and stubbornness, I love her....and I remember how empty my life seemed before her. Although my lifestyle, and my daily doings, have changed completely... I have to say, things are good. things are very good.

Now I am trying a few "doors" to see if they open. Lets see what God will do next! jerimiah 33:3 !! hang on for the ride!! lets make a few good turns in life!

Peace unto you!

foggy in my mind

Lordy. this morning I am falling asleep here. I had my one cupper of coffee. I hope it does a miracle today. Don't you hate it when you have negative thoughts...and for no reason..no basis ... no justification? Maybe its just the fatigue. Cuz I am TIRED. did I mention I was sleepy?
ok bear this in mind just in case one of you invisible people decide to read this crap... that my mind is in a fog.

Today I plan to sit on my butt a lot. oh wait, I do that a lot anyway. I mean I don't feel very productive. Its april 1.... I wonder if there will be an april fools joke today? Wish I could think of something to play on the wife, but hey I can hardly think at all anyway.

I sure hope I get woke up. I wonder why I seem to always have to face "trust issues".? the way I was raised... or my career. Seems I don't trust anyone... for no good reason. ok my eyes are so heavy, and my brain just will not work. im going to go stand outside... or call someone and wake em up....to talk.

coffee/potty break is one long day.

today is a nice day I think... its about 56 deg, and a high of 75. at the moment its thundering and a light shower. which is unusual for Oklahoma. Its usually either spew forth hell and brimstone tornadic weather, or its drought... but this is a gentle rain with not much wind. Wont see the log chain that's tied to the gate post blowing in the wind this morning. not yet.

My morning was interrupted by an invitation to breakfast... I didn't eat since Ive gained 8 pounds. Im feeling for the development of a blow hole on my back, but since im too fat to feel all the way around.. I cant say ones not there yet. I have not however, blown out any backs of my shirts from and outward pressure...my pants maybe.

So I drank 4 cups of coffee...add that to the one I had driving to work, and presto...Ive peed 6 times since. and not little bits...but coffee can amounts. coffee just pours through me. Maybe Ive found a new way to lose weight... it has to weigh something. Ill let ya know. good thing no one reads this crap, they might be grossed out.

things are slow at work, ive stopped only one person...just a warning. wasn't going fast enough for a ticket. besides she was cute. lol. So I ate lunch, Ill spare you the details..

Im still scheming on pouring some concrete.. I want that garage/shop. things are well at home.. im excited due to a certain situation changing... wife has been very loving and kind... im genuinely surprised.

the cows are good. familys good... barn roof patched. that kid s coming in good for something. Id write more but I think I have to freakin pee again. what will it be like to be old? lets not even think of it. off to catch a traffic offense. what an exciting life! yay me!

Perspectives with feelings are like sucker fishys

goodmorning invisible world. Since the world is invisible from here, theres no use in correcting my words and typing here right? Funny how perspective changes everything. from my keyboard, the world out there is invisible because my stats tell me no one is looking. There fore.... it s invisible.
I was thinking... I do that sometimes... that with different perspectives come different feelings. For example... if you feel things... when you see or hear something familiar, like say...a voice that uses a certain tone... and it reminds you of a bad time in your past...because  you've heard that tone before... and then poof, you have feelings... that come ... feelings that you have to deal with. I see this as a perspective... this is how you see (or in this case heard) it... and since you see it this way... you feel a certain way. I see "feelings" like those little sucker fishes that attach themselves to a BIG fish... they just come with it... big fish comes... they come too. SO.... IF you could change your perspective.. you could have different feelings! In other words, you could change your feelings and not have to deal with those yucky feelings that take up so much of your time.... Instead of dealing with feelings so much every time you see or hear something.... change your perspective ONE time... for good... and poof. IF anyone is reading this... and wants to know how to do this...or know more of it...than maybe  you will make a comment, and the world will cease to be invisible for me here at my keyboard. My perspective will change...and thus.... I will feel different about blogging.

The sun is up in my little town where I work. I have made one stop before the sun came up... I just wanted to see the pretty police lights come on in the dark. ha. Things are better today...not as good as they were, but better.

It is going to about sunny and about 60 deg today. I gambled and wore long sleeves. I heard the rooster this morning, and it reminded me of "home". With that, came feelings... I miss certain things. (theres that perspective thing again). So Ill have to remember that although I like the sound of a rooster, I hated living alone alone alone in the remote country. Once I change that... ill smile each time I hear the rooster... and I wont miss the country... because I will instantly remember what it was like ....isolated, lonely, empty, pointless, and a waste of my life. (if I could ve shared it now..with someone...that would have been different, but for some reason God did not have that planned for me.)

Well, I better run. I know morning traffic is speeding. I can feel it. lol. later all yall invisible  peeps!

ugh again.

I am not quite sure what to say this morning. This was not a good weekend. My words will not be very uplifting, so they will be few and to the point today.

I pray for wisdom and patience. I hope for the best. If I am wrong, I just have to say I am wrong. It is better to say it sooner than later... for ones pride will cause a problem. Pride goes before a fall.

The weather here is is clear and 34 deg. It will get up to about 62 deg today. It is a Monday... and it promises to be a long boring one. Today I will finish up the application for new jobs. Im going to try a few doors and see if they open.

that is about all I have to say today. I pray God works. There are times God needs to be GOD. Start with me...im open.

hurry hurry ....id rather be a good dog.

its another windy windy day in Oklahoma. SE Oklahoma is an ever changing place. its one of the fascinating parts of living here. y ou really never can tell w hat the weather is going to be. Yesterday finally picked up, and I made a few stops. It was nice to have the boredom broken up... I helped an old man that ran out of gas right in the middle of the state highway in an intersection. Boy was he backing up traffic. we pushed the truck out to the shoulder... and I gave him a ride back to his other truck where he could go get some gas. He said...boy  you guys are sure nice...yesterday I locked myself out of my truck and that other officer got it unlocked for me. lol. He did not have a good couple of days. maybe today will be a better day for him.

It was a nice evening last night... But I notice I am not getting a lot done due to a lack of energy after I get home.  working 10 days may interfere with my lawn care this summer when the grass gets to going. I have already noticed that there is grass growing around the pool area so I need to get on that this weekend.

today is 39 degrees...with a high of about 65. I wore long sleeves... I hope that wasn't a mistake. Life is good but very busy. That is a good thing. Im learning to live with all the clutter and stuff stacked up and around. Im hoping that after a couple of weddings are over....ha.... that we can really start to organize and clean up. Im really hoping to get that garage built.... hoping......

Goals are like that...your not happy until you achieve them, and then once you do... you just cant help yourself...you just have to set another one. lol. humans are the most unsatisfied creatures ever. Id rather be a dog with a good home....and just lounge around and play and be happy. woof woof.

so anyway...that's about all I have to say today... Heres to good happy dogs. Miss ya Sparky!

MEMORIES OF COUNTRY LIVING.

GOOD MORNING UNKNOWN PEEPS. IM NOT YELLING,, I JUST CANT F IGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THE FONTS BIGGER ON THIS SILLY THING. SO CAPPS IT IS.
I MISSED A GOOD SUNSET LAST NIGHT... I KNOW AT THE RANCH, I NEVER MISSED ONE... THEY WERE SO GOOD THERE. NOW I LIVE AT A PLACE WHERE YOU CANT SEE A GOOD SUNSET. I THINK THATS WHAT I MISS THE MOST. BUT I DO NOT MISS THE LONELY TIMES... TAKING WALKS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT....BY MOONLIGHT.. TALKING WITH GOD...ABOUT WHAT I AM DOING THERE YEAR AFTER YEAR ALONE. IT WAS MY TIME IN THE "WILDERNESS"...

I NOW QUESTION WHAT I AM DOING FOR A LIVING. I LIKE THE JOB OK I MEAN... BUT THE HOURS ARE MANY. I GET UP AT 5 AM... ITS HARD. BUT HEY THEY ARE DAY TIME HOURS. IM OFF AT 5... WEEKENDS OFF. MAYBE I SHOULDNT BE TOO DISCONTENT.  STILL I AM PRAYERFUL ABOUT THIS. I KNOW GOD IS A JUST GOD. I KNOW HE WILL TAKE CARE OF WHAT NEEDS TAKING CARE OF... I KNOW HE WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. I AM THANKFUL. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THANKFUL.

I HEAR A ROOSTER CROW EACH MORNING..IN THE NIGHT HOURS. AT MY NEW HOME.. IT REMINDS ME OF THE COUNTRY LIVING I CAME FROM. IT MAKES ME SMILE. I HOPE THAT OLD ROOSTER LASTS FOREVER. I NEED TO T HINK ABOUT GETTING A BULL NOW... BUT I AM DELAYED FINANCIALLY... AS KT IS RACKING UP A FEW WEDDING BILLS. ITS OK... ILL GET THERE EVENTUALLY.
SO CROW ROOSTER CROW.... SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF ELVIS. I USED TO HAVE A ROOSTER NAMED ELVIS. HE WAS PRETTY AND BLACK..AND WELL GROOMED. HE STOOD ON THE BACK PORCH AND "SANG" TO ME.I WAS USED TO HIM..BUT THE FEW VISITORS I HAD WERE NOT. HA. THEY LEFT. BUT ELVIS LEFT THE BUILDING A LONG TIME AGO. SO SING ON ROOSTER... BRING ME MEMORIES OF THE COUNTRY TIMES NOW PAST.

SO LEAD ME LORD, OPEN A DOOR... IF YOU WANT ME TO GO THRU IT... SHOW IT TO ME SO I CAN JIGGLE THE KNOB..SEE IF IT MOVES. ILL DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT .. IM OPEN TO IT. HECK LOOK AT ME NOW. NOW LETS MAKE SOME COFFEE, AND MEDITATE IN YOUR LIGHT. NOTHING IS BETTER THAN THAT..ONCE YOU LEARN TO DO IT. IT BRING SUCH PEACE, NO MATTER WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE. ITS A SECRET OF THE ...NINJA SORTA... KNOWLEDGE LIKE THAT MEANS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOING INSANE, AND BREEZING THROUGH HARD TIMES. ITS WHAT MAKES AN OAK ...AN OAK TREE....IT HANGS ON. WEATHERS THINGS OUT. REMAINS SOLID. NO PROBLEM. SO YOU CAN CALL ME CAPT SUNDANCE. HA.

SO CAPT SUNDANCE NEEDS CAFFIENE... IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE STILL ALIVE THAT READS T HIS MESS I WRITE, PLEASE PRAY. I KNOW IM DOING WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO DO FOR NOW...BUT NOT FOREVER. IM LOOKING FOR CHANGES. FOR A DOOR. SHOW ME THE DOOR LORD! NOW LETS HAVE COFFEE, FB TIME, AND GO WRITE A FEW TICKETS.

Each heartbeat....with change.

well...things are getting back to norman... I mean normal. But I think I like norman better. this weekend was good... things were warm and loving ... and it was a nice time. It is cold..29 deg when I got to the car. But Im in short sleeves..and getting used to the cold now. its that time of year when its 80 in the day...and 29 in the mornings. I did not go to the farm now...this weekend for the 2nd week in a row now. I have to loosen up a bit there... and trust kt to keep things in order there.

Its getting closer to the time when I will be working on the yard..the pool, etc... I have projects left over from last  year to finish. that wall of stone... I must finish before its too hot.

so it is a good time again... If I just wait things out... the times of life will change. for good or for worse. for better or for poor. and all that happily ever after crap. I have been singing in the choir.. its a big church..and I am poorly qualified to sing amidst the talent I am surrounded by there. But I fill a chair and look the part anyway. The last time I was in the choir, I was so young, I peed my pants while singing. Hey its a lot of pressure for a little kid to leave the choir during church to go pee. sooo.. But I promise I wont do that again. Now if I can only remember to zip. Pam has a wonderful voice. I sure like to stand next to her in church and hear her sing. So its a good time in my life. I remember the last post... not so good. If I can just remember when things are not so good... in fact BAD.. that things do change. Each heartbeat can bring a bit of change with it. Sometimes its just hard to see around the corner... and have that kind of hope. Sometimes the corners are years...and sometimes just 5 minutes. But still ...w/o hope, it is a dark dismal place to be. funny how little hope it takes. all you need is a bit of it. it sure goes a long way with the human spirit. That's the thing that the devil must attack.... that sense of hope. People can sure believe a lot for a long time, with just alittle hope. hope...maybe produces faith. Im not sure..what do you think? I never thought about that much. maybe faith produces hope... either way... you must have both...and both go so very far.

Soon the flowers will bloom and the grass will be green, and the tornadoes will come again. I have no storm shelter at this place. ugh. I have plans..but its money. I suppose God will provide when He chooses to. I plan to pour concrete...and build a garage. I think Ill ask God to make this happen for me. Change is coming... but it seems it always does. Someday..ill live for thousands of years..w/o change. and life will be perfect. perfect harmony, perfect peace, perfect order, and everything in its rightful place. I for one will love it. crap...there is no Kleenex in this place. see what I mean? At least I have chocolate here.!

So whatever the world brings..and it is just full of bringing something all the time.. Ill let the world be the world... Ill spice it up as I can, with alittle bit of Jesus in it... and try not to growl to much... and be "mr. grumpy pants" as I was once called.... and continue doing what I can with what I have... until such time as I can leave this world, and go to my perfect order place. Let us not fret and worry, but neither let us ignore what goes on here either. Someday Ill lost my right to worship..and to free speech... someday America may fall. I hope I do not see that day. But things I know will get worse before they are better. I hope my children do not see that day either. But life will be what it is. I trust my God, and they must also trust Him.

So for now... let us rejoice! Let us smile, let us be thankful always in all things. good and bad. Let His presence in our lives overshadow all chaos. Maybe we can even find alittle bit of humor in it along the way. Life is good.... today. this heartbeat. lol. don't sneeze!!

the hardest weekend

Well ... its Monday. This has been the hardest weekend ever. Problems since last Thursday. It was the worst time of my life. So... t his is a hard weekend. I am not quite sure what to say this morning. The time change occurred .. so its like 5 am instead of 6 am... but I supposed Ill get used to it. I smoked my pipe yesterday...first time in 8 months. It wasn't all that good. 

My prayer is for intervention. I think nothing less than God Himself intervening in our lives will save the situation that He led us into. I know that He has never let me down...and I expect nothing less than that this time either. I don't call him "Savior" for nothing.

I am not sure what else to write. Jack is doing well at kcs. We celebrated her bday...we ate at polos. Kt seems to be doing well. I didn't hear from her t his weekend... and did not go out to the farm.

Sometimes ...like now... I feel just like my old tree. It didn't make it ...

ugh.

Today should be...by all rights...a good day. its Friday. its going to be good weather with sunshine. But this morning was a rough start. This is a bad morning for me. I cannot go into detail... for I am not sure just how public this is.... even though there are apparently  no readers... I would not want to be disrespectful to anyone. So I will just say, this is going to be a long day... without much communication with the wife.

I am praying today while at work. Maybe something will happen...something good. I hope so.

getting used to change!

Gm invisible world. I just know your out there. Im not sure if I wrote this before, but a week or so ago, I was pulled over. Exactly... me the traffic cop.... in my poe-leece car, was pulled over by a citizen who  promptly told me that I had a brake light out. lol. I asked them if this was a warning or am I getting a ticket.? ha. I fixed the light quick.

It rained last night... and will be warmer today. about 52 deg they say.... but there is still snow in the forecast in a few days. Weather here is always interesting at the change of seasons. march can do anything, and I remember it snowing in april...

Soon it will be time to mow the stupid yards... I hope my "renters" keep my place looking nice back home. Its pre coffee and my mind is foggy...so ill make this one short and sweet. Things are good at home..and this transition seems to be getting alittle bit smoother... seems the new step daughter will be moving out sooner than I thought... when the new house is closed end of the month, She will be getting started moving.  I hope the two big dogs go too! lol.

It will be different. its amazing how my life changed so much so fast...when for 13 years it didn't change a bit. Even though I sought change... and prayed for it....it didn't happen. I began to doubt if it was ever going to happen. I just knew deep down inside that there was an "around the corner" for me. I just couldn't see around it. But when it came...and this is what you need to remember...when it came... IT CAME! and bam.... big changes fast and furious. Im still adapting. sometimes I cant believe I have a wife! I live in Latta. I now have 2 homes. I have dogs. I have a pool. things are so different... But they are better. I wont forget how lonely it was for so long. and how I prayed... how I wished and thought and dreamed.... of a new life... with someone suitable to share it with. a partner. Im very proud to say I have one now. sometimes the old me flares up...but I get on track quick. I short out less and less.... anxiety is lower and lower. Im starting...ever so slowly to feel more comfortable...in my new life. Life is either on the way to change....or is changing.... always. If your life has not changed lately....get ready...its on the way.  Seek and you will find.

Im thankful. Keep praying. Smile.

still good ...even when its muddied up abit.

Well the roads are mostly clear today. still some signs of snow around... and you can kiss your ass goodbye if you step in a slick spot. It is currently 19 deg F. Last night was a blur... my back hurt a lot yesterday and into the night. Apparently I snored and groaned a lot last night....  and poof. It was time to get up and start again. Seems such a waste of time doesn't it? Makes you wonder why were even here ...whats the purpose? I guess to do good, enjoy the fruits of labor,... and be thankful unto God... in all things.... and pray about it all. that's my summarized version. In other words, we are biding our time until we can go home. We are like... ET... left here. But He will come back and get us. Ever see the similarities in the  movie ET and Jesus? Each came from the heavens. Each was very different and unique. Each healed people while here.. each did wondrous things while interacting with humans, each made us think...from a different perspective... each became wounded ....each came to life and got better....each went back to the heavens. interesting huh?

So it seems that life is just one long long huge ass transition. or change.  all the same to me. sometimes transitions are smooth and orderly, but mine seem to be sloppy ...not graceful, and abit chaotic. I like things in order....so I work until they are acceptable to me. I wonder if life as I see it, will ever be just right? In order. ducks in a row. I guess it is a good thing having something else to do.. another goal. it means im still alive. As long as I can be happy in the moment of it.... right now. not later after I acquire whatever im wanting done.... but right now...while Im doing it. happy every heartbeat, whether things are well...smooth ...or whether they are not. chaotic. I guess that's just the way life is. Even when we get the thing that seems to satisfy us.....we seem to somehow track it up.. muddy it up.... step in it,.... and just somehow make it not quite as satisfying. But even then I must learn to enjoy that..... if I don't, then just what is the use? Ill be like Solomon.... and be depressed to even breath oxygen. ha.

Enjoy it... even if you see it get messed up. a door ding on the new car. gray in your beard. life going by. babies are adults. change. transition. Enjoy each heartbeat of the moment... because your life is made up of heartbeats. moments. memories. make them good. focus on the good. not the mud.

on the way to work I spilled my coffee. It was warm. it was wet. I put a blanket I found in the back seat of the etruck over it and me... it happened. I enjoyed the rest of my coffee.

Be happy. lonely will end if you move. Change... transisiton. embrace it...its coming anyway. the only way to end loneliness is to make a change. Even t he most peaceful enticing things...can make you miserable...if its lonely. Trust. Trust that God has this....and step out. If you stay put... well. you know the answer to that.

have a great Tuesday oh invisible world!

how do you get frozen juice out??

Good morning peeps... I say peeps because it sounds so impersonal... and since I know there s no one out there that reads this mess I type... well then peeps is good for me. I had a good weekend..i can see good positive changes in both her and I, and this transition of marriage after being single for so many years is just a tad smoother. I have my reasons why I believe this is going this way, but Ill keep those to myself. IT was a very very cold start at 5 degrees with snow and a bit of ice. We had Thunder snow or ThunderIce... last night. Only in Oklahoma... does it thunder, and snow /sleet at the same time. its like a cross between a thunderstorm and a snow storm all in one.

Everyone knows that Im such a retard in the kitchen.. I swear I do everything awkwardly and mostly wrong in the kitchen. I can manage to open a can  (with my manual opener not t he auto matic one .. which is the can opener from hell) and stir ..the simple things. I decided I would help her mix up frozen orange juice. I asked how... she said.... really?  your 52 yrs old and you never mixed frozen juice? nope...never. now why would I? I just buy the stuff already made in a carton or jug or something.  so anyway... I looked at this tube of frozen stuff to be put in a pitcher and then fill it with 3 thingys of water and mix. ok. cool. first problem. it would not come out of the tube container. hmm. I squeezed it. nothing. it was partially thawed.. let me think. GOT it..! ill poke a hole in th eother end ..it should come right out. I poked 3. it did come right out. but when I filled the tube thingy with water 3 times... it of course leaked out the 3 holes. alittle messy.... wonder how its supposed to be done? I held myfinger of the h oles and did it anyway. My first frozen juice accomplishment! She made fun of me until I reminded her that she helped me in the shop as I was putting gas in the log splitter... she handed me an empty can of gas...and I suggested how about the one with gas in it? But I really think shes more at home in the shop than I am in the kitchen.

dogs dogs dogs. I knew she had them when I married them... but they were never so under my feet before! theres odie...whos personality is just like his name... and ky-ann... whos the biggest pain in the ass ever... part husky I think...very vocal...but kind of entertaining... and scout an aging long haired little dog, and then the old man...peanut..whos about 13 yrs old . a weenie dog. he doesn't see so well, and has some bad days. His worst characteristic is he pees everywhere on everything. If I could get away with it..Id have 4 deep holes dug in the back yard...no...in someone elses back  yard... and poof. but oh well. In may...ill lose the 2 biggest ones... as they go with the stepdaughter getting married.

So when I cut wood on sat at the ranch and split some... I guess my new chain saw pooted out on me. I have to take it in and see what the deal is. Get a couple of sharp chains too. It was a good workout, but there is plenty of tree left in that old oak. now my back hurts... this getting old crap really sucks. Good thing no one speeds in this town when theres snow on the hwy...I can hardly get out of the stupid squad car!

ok enough of this... my world is getting better. I can see a hope for happiness now. I function so much better with someone then w/o someone. I have hay left. the cows are good. I have new lick out. things are good. well mostly good. most of the problems I have come from within myself... I  cause them. So I can eliminate them.

that's about it in my world. winter is about to end....taking its time... and spring will bring the tornadoes.... lets do this!
later!

yay me.

gm all yall. that's okie for hey.
well yesterday was to o busy to type about. its 6 am ish.... so I have a bit of time today. Maybe itll slow up today. Yesterday I had speeders that cussed me out..course they bought the ticket...and a fat woman that sat down in the floor of her house and couldn't get up... and lets not mention how she somehow avoided not sitting on a dog turd... yes it was that nasty.  I had a controlled burn... in other words a fire in the city limits. I couldn't get the fire chief...ha... to answer. so I went out and looked it over myself. before giving the owner permission to light it.... wondering if it was a huge brush pile..or a tiny one. it was sorta medium. I thought well...he has a water hose there. So I told him to lighter up...and call 911 if it got out of hand. I didn't mention that he was in a wheelchair did I? maybe he didn't park a wheel on the hose.... I didn't hear from anyone and did not see a lot of smoke.. so it must of been ok. I stopped a guy the other day.... but somehow lost his license! I looked everywhere...I noted it was going to expire in 2 days.. I had to tell the driver u.mmmmm... I hate to tell you this...but ...your DL is....well... gone. I wetn to the station and searched the car...I finally found the edge of a DL sticking up! I finally got it...and gave it to the driver... who said..."this is great..but its not mine". I never did find that fellas DL...but seems I did find the chief of police in stonewall, ok.'s DL... it was his. what are the chances? maybe if I make enough mistakes...Ill grown into the best small town cop ever. lol. Then I had a meeting....with the chief. for once I am not in trouble... someone else is having "growing pains" ...its about time .. im tired of my spankins. maybe ive grown into a full fledged traffic cop that needs little or no direction (except for losing DLs while sitting still in my squad car)... yay me. I also vacuumed the car out... and today I get to clean the vinyl dash. yay me again!

this dang curser has jumped to different places 3 times already. wonder what s up with that. So.. I said my prayers, I ate my oats...thanks to my little wifey who got up late but made it anyway. bless her little heart... and I have lunch in a sack! yay wife! ok yay is the buzz word today. its Friday! yay Friday! its pay day!! yay money! I love you yay yay yay. okok. too much caffeine. I swear it was only one cup. a big cup.

sigh. I guess I should go now, and finish the important inner office work... and do the criminal minds game on FB... I have mysteries to solve. My butt cheeks are sore. Maybe it was because of the vacuuming I did in the car? hmmm. Idk.... or maybe the getting in and out of the car so much.

Anyway... have a great day... its going to be cold the weekend... and maybe ice. Im running very low on hay. maybe itll last thru this long neverending winter. itll be close. I need to buy more lick this weekend. almost out of that too. one more tub should do it. things at the ranch are ok... fences are up. kt seems to be taking care of the home well. and james seems to be looking after the rest. he put out hay for me too. Were busy and tired ..when we get home from work. I made myself vacuum the house last night, but I was dead tired. I hear it thundering outside.  I guess its gonna rain.

that's my life in Oklahoma. later!

gm ..a usual start to the day.

good morning invisible peeps. I see I had ONE viewer on yesterdays blog. yay me! lol. Maybe they read something worth while, and got a perspective on something that will help them some how. probably not. lol

today has promising outlook... I made my first stop already this morning. its sun shine...but very cold at 19 deg this morning. its an 8 to 5 day today...so im hoping it will pass qu ickly.. and Ill enjoy the day. Ill have to get gas to finish the day in the squad car today. In case you haven't p icked up on it... I am currently working as a traffic police officer in a small town.

I have nothing too new to write about... just the usual grind of life. I swear this cursor has a life of its own...it just jumps from this line to a whole other part of the page...and starts typing there... I have to correct it and put it back and keep typing... must be something in this lap top ...the way I lay my hands on it... that causes it or something. Anyway... I plan to be thankful for all I see and do, and be loving to those around me as much as possible. While I write speeding citations.

I promise to write something more interesting later. lol.
this is todays start in Oklahoma... later!

zombie day.

good morning invisible peeps. today was a rough start. Seems I had alittle chest pain... course it was some kind of indigestion ... I woke up in the middle of my 5 hours sleep... hurting.. felt like I had swallowed a bubble and it wouldn't burp up into little ones. that lasted about 2 hours. geesh. all I ate yesterday evening was a bacon burger, fries and a malt. chocolate of course.  Youd think my stomach would be better at this...rather then worse! I used to eat a bag of burgers... now I eat one and my stomach screams in fear. Im gonna have to have alittle talk with that little green man in there that runs things inside of you. Hes pullin the wrong levers or something. Anyway, I drove to town semi conscious. good thing my wife talked to me on the way to work, or I would've fallen asleep. !

Ive decided these automatic cars..like mine..that turns on the headlights and does it all for you... IF you have the fob in your pocket...are for zombies. cuz I was a zombie... all I did was push the button to start...(im sure the button said "zombie") and it starts. it turns the lights on...sets the temperature, and all I do is steer. course I give it some gas. and when I exit...the car that is.... it turns it all off. zombie!

so here I am after 3 hours... and 4 cups of coffee. hope im conscious today at 1 when the drug dog gets here. were gonna run it through the school today and see what interesting things happen. Had another one of those "transitional"  talks last night.... I know her back hurts a lot.

Well ive played all my energy points in criminal case. so im off to paint the town with speeding tickets.

today has a sucky start

well its been a few days. the last 4 days I was in t town...getting all trained up on how to tell if your drunk enough to arrest when ur driving. turns out that when the class title says "wet lab" it means wet bar...and you get to interact and test real drunks. it was interesting. she came with me... which made things much nicer. we stayed at a motel, which made it expensive, but it was a mini get away, and she shopped and we did see her son there while we were there.

today is a down day. things happened and words spoken that hurt. Ill let that stand for itself. Its a depressing time..this Monday. The valentine roses are dead and thrown away... the special words on the cart don't mean as much today as they did a week ago. my day started early... and it was a lonely start. Its a day of thought and prayer.. at least for me it is.

I saw mandy yesterday. she was a happy kitty. the cows were good. Ruthann looked good. the fences are up. it was a nice day ... hay is out. I checked the lick..its getting low. ill need another soon. I don't have a lot more to say... soon it should start raining. I hope. If it does not...I may just sell out of the cow business...for good. Its a lot of work, to have drought kicking my ass too.

At least I got coffee this morning. I would say this sad start to the day would mean I would stop typing and spreading all this freaking sunshine around here...but what else would I do sitting in this small "police station".  just sit here? I could turn the tv on I guess. I could go pour a cup of coffee. wait.. ok. I poured it. when it warms up a bit, ill go get gas in the work car. I noticed it was low. kc went to the circus ....she won tickets on the radio station. she was f unny. she sent me pictures of elephants. she loves elephants for some reason. any way it was funny.  I know she was excited.

ok ill find something else to do. this is my life today in Oklahoma... maybe this Monday will improve.

can you believe my life now?

GM peeps. Actually Im talking to myself, as there is no longer anyone that views this. But hey, I talked to myself for years right? sometimes they were pretty good conversations. except when that one high pitched voice started answering me. man he was irritating.

So my lovely bride accidently slept in and did not fix me oats for breakfast. man. I knew that would happen. But she did get up when I came into the room after showering to dress, and fixed me coffee. I had a couple of choc chip muffins instead. It was ok. She tries hard. Im l ucky to have her. and shes lucky to have me ... yeah. yeah that's it. ok enough of that or the voices may come back. ha.

well I made it to work. I work alone... mostly. And that is not so bad anymore. Im getting used to it. I just have to remember to be flexible and no t get to used to my little agenda here. Im glad all Ive run into is a few traffic speeders, and a lost dog or two... little stuff.

Sometimes I cant believe my life. I so remember the many many times I was near without hope of change. I knew it could change, but it hadn't in so many  years... that it was just hard to see "around the corner". I knew...that when it came to other people...it just took longer for God to prepare things.
And then when it happens...you wonder why He decided to put  you with this person...who is really very different than you are. Im thankful He didn't put me with someone just l ike me. can you imagine what a bore that would be? and how that might turn out? But instead there are differences. some big, some small. But I will accept and appreciate those differences. And I will allow them to complete my life. They can counter balance me. I can use her strengths in areas that I am weak in. If we were weak in the same areas, it would be such a struggle. I choose to trust her. Trust is a huge word. Its action.

I went out to the car and unlocked it... as usual the alarm goes off.... until I can get the key in the ignition and turn it on. Wish I could find the fob that goes with the car.... I called myself in as 10-8. Maybe I will brew a pot of coffee. I downloaded a few marriage pics... maybe Ill play with them.

Ill be going tonight to Tulsa to take 3 days of training classes. Luckily my wife...(yes my wife!) will be going with me. Im so lucky. Shes taking off work just to be with me.... maybe we can make a fun thing out of it. Ill try my hand at inserting a pic of her and I getting married.

I think it worked. My my... how life has changed for me. If your reading this ..and you have read my past blogs ...since around 2009.... and you read of my ups and downs, and heartaches and  hopeless thoughts...saturated with a bit of humor here and there...then you know... how my life has changed. If mine can change....so can yours. something to think about.

Val weekend ended

Its hard to believe it when it is so good. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Usually when I do this, eventually the shoe does drop. So I think this time I will fool the powers that be, and expect it to continue on. no shoe dropping here. Only good times, warm and fuzzy love yous. And money coming my way. yeah.

Im sitting here semi conscious in the wee morning hours before daylight. that would be 634 am to all yall that don't know it... ive had one cup, but apparently need more of a kick. I just don't wanna pee all freaking day long. I wonder if coffee does this to anyone else? 

ok back now... I have this little lap top... and if you are typing along at warp speed, suddenly for no reason, it will do something...and it happens so fast... you cant stop it. Suddenly I was outside and off of my blog...and finally found my way back. Luckily, the program here saved this as a draft so I didn't have to start over. My laptop is possessed.

Over the weekend, we "dog sat". its not enough...that we have 2 large dogs of the step daughters, and 2 little dogs of the wifes... but we dogsat a great dane, and a small terrior of some sort. The dane was.. well.. buffalo like...and the little dog had this screechy little irritating laugh. It was a high pitched grate on your nerves kind of thing. I wonder why the owners hasn't c ut its screechy little throat yet? They were ok I guess... but they did not play well with the other 2 big dogs. None of them understand that when the mini buffalo barks, its playing... not fighting. It was semi entertaining. There were no "accidents" in the house, so that is good. So.. dogs out... truck gone... and a nice church service. I swear the preacher was actually funny when he spoke about marriage. After all it was the valentines day sermon. What I remember the most was him saying....Accept each others differences. Differences can work together for the good. Embrace them. They can complete what is not within you alone....to complete. I hope that made sense. I thought about that... and I think he is right. I wondered why God put me with someone so different than me. Mr. Structure by the rules at home.... with ms gypsy easy come easy go at home. ugh.  But I am going to let go and Trust Him and watch Him work this. This should be good.

We went to the Val dance. I bought her ONE drink. that's it. It must of been strong. I knew she was over the limit, when while we were dancing she grabbed my hand and put it on her ass, and then farted while she giggled. Yep. toast. not my hand... her. Yep..toasted after one drink. ill have to be a better care taker than that. She did get me a nice very loving and sweet Vday card. with red boxers. and what followed was nice too. ha.

The weather has changed, and its very nice now. in the 60s. Im glad of that... supposed to be nice all week long. Nothing huge happened to me.... but it was a very nice loving weekend. I needed that. I a sure she did too. Her parents were recognized for being married 65 years. That's longer than I am old. I guess it would behoove me to learn from him. When I commented to him, he leaned over and whispered "its a lot of work"... I thought... dang it. no secrets of the ninja married here...

its about time to go out and set the car alarm off. Someone lost the "fob" to the cop car, so each time I unlock the car it goes off. So every morning, anyone around gets to hear this horn going off. IT lasts just long enough for me to start it...then goes off.  I found one fob, and put a new battery in it, but as luck would have it, it was the OTHER cop car... so he don't have to hear his horn now.

Lets tackle this Monday, and conquer all. God go with me.

angry little blue birds

Yesterday was a good day, except for one little problem I had. I  decided that I would take the cop car to the car wash... it was a nice sunny day, so I went and acquired some quarters from city hall. The car wash was a simple thing in this small town. It had one switch. it said R ... W. Rinse Wash. I thought this was funny... and then I dropped all my quarters. I picked them up, and when I raised up, I hit my head on the metal coin thingy. I thought ..that was a stupid move sundance, and fed the coins in. It hurt fairly bad as I noticed the little blue birds flying around my head around the edge of the fog which was affecting my vision. The little turd birds were tweeting.."thats what you get for making fun of the car wash". I was ok with all this... until as I was washing the car... blood dripped over my sunglasses into my eye. Then I was pissed. I had to waste the quarters and abandon my car wash effort. I leaned over....and walked to the nearest office nearby... and found a small room where I washed up. Took for freakin ever to stop the bleeding. But no stitches. yay. I only got about 3 drops of blood on my uniform. another yay. It could've been worse. Ill remember RW when I use that the next time. dang I wasted a whole page on a split head tale...

Yesterdays total was 1 citation and 4 warnings. Today.. is going to be a very nice day weather wise.. and its pay day to boot. Its also Valentines day. I thought I had it all covered, getting 5 sets of val thingys.complete with little stuffed bears... and ordered roses for the wife to be delivered today at her work. But, I discovered I FORGOT to get a stupid card. I hope I can get a stupid card somewhere in this small town. I hope. Tonight should be fun.... steak.. dancing... and...well. If were not too tired. lol.

I tried to sing church choir music on the way in..i have some CDs that are the songs we will be singing in choir. Maybe I can actually learn the words.

Im thinking that I am liking this job pretty good. I am p raying about a job in my home town even though its only 24 miles here to this town to work. It would be cool to be local. Then I could have lunch sometimes with the wife...and run errands if I needed to.

I had one cup of coffee.. maybe Ill make a pot and have another. Im cutting down to about 2 cups instead of 4 or 5... per day here. I think I have ceased to be much of an entertainment to the central dispatch and scanner "listeners"... as Im making fewer mistakes on the radio. I no longer call in my location to them with unknown streets.... or id myself as "Allen 8". There is no 8. this is a 3 officer force. lol. So ill keep being Allen 3.

ok. I think ive caught up on the usual stuff that has happened. I wish I could get some pics on this puter so I could insert one now and then. Ill work on that. I like to use the pics I personally have taken..

I see im alone in cyber land. it appears no one has viewed me lately. Ill have to start being funny or something to catch an audience. They are missing out...I could be somebody really famous ya know. That's about all I have for this morning. Im glad I have this place to share my thoughts and start my day out. Ive talked to God, and Im ready to keep on in this direction...whatever direction that is. Im happy to be married , and have my partner to share everything with.  I remember many many nights and days...cold... no one to snuggle to... or talk to. Now to find ways to improve what I have ... if I can.
that's how it is in Oklahoma today.

2 angels advice.

well good morning world. or rather good afternoon. Yesterday was so busy, I didn't have time to write a thing. I intended to write t his am, but it got busy again. Busy is good. Today the sunshine is out! yah! The morning started.. whether I was ready for it or not... I warmed up the poe leece car, .. im so glad the heater started working. Amazing what putting alittle antifreeze in it will do! After it was warm and toasty, I went on rounds. I gave one warning early, and I wrote one to a guy doing 49 in a 35. He won the prize. Too bad he had a CDL and was in his company truck. oh well. That's what a retired parole officer does when he takes a job working traffic in a small town.

I had a visitor in the station today. He just wanted to talk. I had one yesterday too. I wondered what was said that both shared? maybe they were angels. as I think of it...I realize they both talked to me of my new wife and marriage. They just kept asking questions about me..until they learned I was newly married. Both touched on changes, and that it was ok to change...and it was pointed out to me that just because parenting styles are different, doesn't make it a bad thing. One even asked about her kids.. he said.. "did they turn out alright?...... well then.... she did something right didn't she?" okok. Sometimes the little things just bug the crap out of me.

Im trying to loosen up here... but I still say some man... even a future son in law... should not leave his truck in my driveway for a week. bugs me to death. I guess I can stew on it...and bite my lip, or I can just be the butthole everyone thinks I am anyway, and tell him to move it. And not do this again w/o talking to me. Not my wife. ME. Im the only who cares anyway.

So I ate 2 wraps... that my pretty wife made for me. I could probably just eat one and be ok. maybe Ill suggest that. I don't want to start gaining weight on this job. .. Well one more day this week, and its pay day to boot. im on the downhill run. Not a lot of things happening...as far as soul searching goes.. just the changes im dedicated to making ... getting used to life as a married man after being single.. getting used to a new job, being used to seeing my farm home lived in by someone else...  used to dogs in the house... clutter I never had before, mail...who would think that mail is an item that's an issue. ugh. Ill adjust, and so will she. That woman must love me. Its hard to get my mind around that. I asked her this morning what was the best part of me...she said..."the way you love me". sigh.

ok enough mushy warm n fuzzys. its time to fight crime. Or just watch it drive by to another town. Maybe Ill get another big time traffic violation. hey the other day someone locked themselves out of their car. I got to break into that. woo hooo. No I didn't break the window. this time.

This is the world of Sundance in Oklahoma today .

filters shew the perceptions

I wonder why a person chooses not to communicate? maybe they don't want to hear the response.. or maybe they are just too lazy to put their thoughts/feelings into words? Maybe they don't think it will make any difference at all if they did ... Funny how one can train others in how they interact with you. If you reply to them in a negative way... like grumpy, or angry, or have an unfriendly tone, or body language, then you can train them not to talk to you at all. They just find you unpleasant to talk to.

What a shame. I find it so, because what if...just what if..... it isn't them? That's right... what if their tone, or their body language is neutral. BUT ... something within you sees it differently? So if I talk to someone, and I find them unpleasant due to ...well...just being unfriendly...or maybe they are cranky... and then I talk to someone else who knows them... but they seem to find this person to be funny, or informative, or even wise.... and IM surprised...because when I talk to them,... its unpleasant. hmmmm. red flag?

Sometimes your past crawls right up on your head and sits there...taking over your eyes, your brain, your reactions, your perceptions...etc. And by the time you realize it, you've said or done something stupid. Now im an old hand at stupid. But I hate being that way because im wearing blinders and don't have enough sense to know it! I find that I hear them... speaking the words.... but for some reason, I just don't get it. That's usually a filter. Beware of filters. They tend to skew what we hear, and see...It will take time to learn not to use those "filters". But while your learning... just take the words you hear, and the actions you see at face value. nothing more. Don't read into it... youll read it wrong. The filters will cause it to be distorted. Maybe its something in your past... that's how it usually is with me. Something or someone treated you this way or that way... and when you ask a question.... or talk to someone in the present.... you expect to hear the same ol same ol. and so you do. You hear something else than what was said. You decode it wrongly! just don't.

Watch the fruit. I mean the actions... are they good to you? are they helping you?  Or are they mean to you...and use you? Listen to the words. only. Are they loving words? or are they bitter and angry? look further.... are they frustrated? Do you ever get frustrated? of course. So why shut down when someone else gets frustrated? If they use both loving words, and frustrated words...maybe they love you, but they are frustrated. duh. dang it Im gonna apply for a rocket science license. Im sure I can put that nitro stuff and multiply some numbers with some symbols, and come up with a new rocket.

If you combine what a person says, and what that person does...  youll get a pretty clear picture of the truth. It don't have to make perfect sense to you.... remember...your skewed. Its not going to ... but if you can see good loving, and attempts to show you... well... that's a good thing right? If he curses you, sabatages you, tries to humiliate you...embarrass you, puts you down... never says "I love you".. then just take it at face value. He doesn't love you. He likes to be entertained with you. Don't let that be.

I am no longer amazed by the things I don't understand. Its getting easier to just accept things. But I still want to understand it...all of it. I just don't have it in me. Im not wise enough... So I try to take off my blinders...and recognize when I have put them back on. I cant change them. I cant change you. But I can change me. That is where I can  have an effect on others. By showing t hem that one can change. Even at my age. You can grow.  you can improve. But living with filters...will only allow you to grow so much. Then your done. that's it. poof. all done.
Its hard I know... so ill just keep trying to look into myself...and pray God will \search my heart, and show me what is not right. Then I can take steps to take off the blinders.

I sure hope this silly post makes some kind of sense. Is there anybody out there? Sound off I dare ya.
Are you still alive Windrider?

4 people viewed todays post. 3 from usa. 1 from Germany. I wonder who you are, and if you agree or disagree? I wonder if you even get what Im saying? oh well. until next time.

Husband??? uh.....what??

Good morning. its cold, overcast, gray, and did I say cold? this is mid winter here in Oklahoma, and the good part is...the roads are clear this am! I even drove the car today. no 4wd needed.
Ive had a decent 24 hours ....and im getting more used to "home life". Its been quieter...since the new step daughter is staying over at her bfs house.

Last night...at the handy dandy walmart.... which seems to be a home away from home away from home....(I own 2 homes now...wow)... I was introduced to someone..."this is my husband".... the little man inside my mind screamed...WHAT?? who?? oh... me. ME??? shit. SHIT!!!!

that's right. Im a husband. get used to it. How long did it take you to get used to chocolate? basketball? shaving? ok ok so your married now... it was only 13 years single. my my what a whiner you've become. This is what you wanted. I know I know. But.... wow. Ok I can do this. I figured... in a month or so...we will adjust right? NOT. a friend of hers told me....not to worry. Itll take about a year, then everything will be great. what?? a YEAR?? Ive had more than my share of "freak out" times the last few weeks. In case your wondering, a "freak out" time is a time when you short out for about 5 minutes...and well.... freak out. I usually am allotted a few freakout times per year. But Ive used the next 5 years worth up in a month. *deep breath*. I can do this.

so..its easier right? I mean...I thought about this a lot before marriage... youd have a partner. Things would be done twice as easy twice as fast. right? 2 people doing the work. dishes... trash... cleaning... vacuuming. etc.. makes sense. Then at least one of you can be free to do something else. So why is it that Im busier now than Ive ever been before? Im working non stop... I actually sleep all night long every night now. o

the first cup of coffee is gone...and someone stole my under the desk heater...im missing that. Maybe Ill bring my OWN little heater, and take it home with me each day.

Ive been thinking a lot about change. ...and the thing is...if your not careful, you will start to be insecure. imagine that...me. tough me.... insecure. ha ha. ok. seriously... you will start to doubt. I was reading about how to avoid this...and the writer said... Thank God for all that you have..(the things  you acquired whatever that was...that contributed to t he present state of things...that caused the doubt.. which turns to fear, which turns to insecurity)... and then TRUST Him. NOT your spouse. not in your self. Trust HIM... that he knows whats going on... (remember that bird on the ground, hair in the drain thing)... and He will handle it. Just trust that itll be ok, and go on. Easy concept. kinda hard to actually put into practice.

Anyway...ill quit my whining. Hey its my blog right? er....my whine session. ok my legs are cold, and I need another cup of coffee. When they take the coffee away...im applying for disability. Maybe Obama will give me that... cnat work due to lack of leg heaters, and no coffee. impossible. Give me $1500 monthly with food stamps. I wonder if the social worker will agree? hmm.

Soon itll be Vday. I think I have it covered. I think. This will be my first Vday as a "husband"..I have daughters, step daughter, and even a step daughter in law taken care of. Roses for the wife.
good l uck to me. ill be back later today if I can find time to sit and think.

good morning

aww. the world of sundance. It started very early. My world has changed so much. But I am not complaining... I have prayed for years for such a change. Finally. Finally.  I reminded my self of this as I danced down all 5 steps of the front porch on a thin invisible layer of ice this morning. The good part was... My WIFE ... yes ..my wife.... was out the door in a second asking if I was ok? ive not had anyone to ask me if I was ok in 13 years...and the wife I did have would have just laughed and never even asked. So... the world has indeed changed.

Of course. not all is for the better... I had NO idea that it would be such a HUGE ass change for me. I think she underestimated it too. Of course both of us knew it would be a "transition"... but not like this. I talked to a friend of hers... who had remarried in her 50s... she said the first YEAR would be challenging. I hope NOT! lol. I heard the train last night. I smiled.

The trip to this little town I now work in...was....challenging. im hoping that the morning ...an d in fact the whole day is not too busy and is non stressful. After retiring...or whatever you want to call it.. and getting out of the convict business ....I got a job at the local hospital working security. It was a cush job... but hours were not good. shift work on top of that. This job is better. ...a few too many hours... at 50 per week... but what else would I do? I remember sooo sooo many times.. starting out that front window on the farm. looking at nothing. a pasture. the flag blowing in the wind. At some  cows. a few horses if I was lucky. Im not doing that at least.

Here I am at the "station" now...a small concrete block building.. with coffee on and the foot heater blowing on my feet. Its not a bad gig. Just a drive to this little town. I try not to feel to alienated here.. I have my internet, and my cell phone. The wife gets very very involved in her work ..especially on Mondays. She tends to not text or call ...and is very lost in her work. This makes me feel abit more alienated. But she is doing better. It was a good morning...as s he got up early just to make me oats, coffee, and keep me from leaving things.. like my freaking gunbelt. Its embarrassing for a cop to show up for work w/o his gun. Those days I just point and say halt.

A prayer out the door with an "I love you" means the world of Sundance is way better than it was. I still have people talk to me about their lives. About how things are going with them. Theres always someone sharing personal things about what I s going on with them. I guess its called friendship. or desperation ..im not sure which. I guess being a guidepost is part of what Ill always be.

So mandy the cat has found a good home. I haven't told the wife yet. She loves that cat. saying "the wife" is very awkward yet.... I introduced her as my wife the other day..for the first time. It was alittle weird. different. but a good weird.

There are still a few nights in which we feel the need to stay up and talk for hours about these changes. Changes that cause me severe stress or anxiety. I suppose it is the same way for her. Although she does not express herself very well sometimes. Maybe she just says things different. I think when God created woman, He decided he was starting over with a whole other species..and just started with the female part... t hen He looked and said....what the heck.... lets just put them together.. and well...itll be challenging. Funny.

so as the day goes on...coffee in hand (im so thankful for coffee).. its good. I focus on that. It is so easy, especially for me...to see negative circumstances. I think I got that from my dad. thanks dad. But I choose to be positive. "DONT TAKE LIFE SO SERIOUSLY... NOBODY GETS OUT ALIVE ANYWAY".

no signs of any life out there. I guess I was gone far too long, and lost the few "followers" I had before. Oh well... trust that all my paths, even this silly blog are directed by God, and that someday somehow, something written here will help someone. Hard to imagine, but ....He IS God after all. He can do that sorta stuff. I mean just imagine knowing how many silly sparrows cease to exist each moment of time throughout eternity, and it not be in any way shape form or fashion, a drain on you whatsoever. And lets not talk about the hairs on my head. He has to recount them after every shower I guess. I wonder if He could just sorta think....deep rich brown, instead of silver gray mix? hmmm.

ok that is all I have for the moment. ill share more thoughts later if im in the mood to. doesn't matter anyway.... im non existent in cyberspace... floating around in a place so big.... I may never see or hear from  another person here....ever. Its almost like being alone.

but not quite. later Sundance. (and good morning Linda, Val, and tumbleweed).

New Ice.

its early. The day is very cold at 19 degrees, and big fat snowflakes falling from the sky. Most of the snow and ice has been scraped from the roads, here in Oklahoma there is no way to tell what will happen the rest of the week. Thus the 4wd to work this morning. In the last year I have been faced with many unknown roads. I encountered many icy roads and hazards. I thought that I had long ago discovered and overcome all of these obstacles and would cruise right over them. Ive had many changes this last year. I told my wife, (ive been married recently) when we dated, that as a married person, we would have the chance to overcome and grow together in ways no one is able to,  unless they are married. I still believe that. Im living proof of that. Because even though I was confident that I was a fairly rounded person...with a few issues due to having lived alone so long, I have discovered I have a whole new set of issues that I could not have faced ....living alone.

Now I feel as though I am starting all over in the first grade with Ned and the "first reader", trying to sound out new words. ugh. no ugh is an old word of mine. I think I made it famous.

Well its time to go...ill have to return when I can. Real life comes and just gets in the way. Don't you hate it when that happens?

For now...Ill bundle up and trudge along. After all winter can come in mid summer. Ive learned to love the sound of a train, the dogs in a howling fit...im still working on getting used to so other people in the house, and the noises that go along with them...

Heres to the start of a new life, a new direction. just new. to everything new...because everything is. Even the problems. Im hoping that.... well. ill just leave it at that. Im hoping. In all ill remember to be thankful and trust God, so that I can be in His peace as I slip gracefully along this new ice.

its been awhile

WEll. Look whos back? Ill make this short and sweet, and promise to come back now to follow up. A quick update on my life. My last post was I believe over a year ago. On Jan 1 , 2014, I got married! Yes that's right. no not to the California girl. To a pretty blonde that ive known all my life,  but never took the time to get close to.!

Also...as if that's not enough to floor ya... I have moved. I no longer live in the country. Now I lease that to my daughter and her soon to be husband.... and I moved in with "her".

Ill be back soon. It took awhile to find this account, and to remember the log in procedure and the pass and all that. Ive got it down now.

There is probably NO one left that reads this as its been sooo long. But if you do show some sign of life! Are you out there tumble weed? blow this way abit...

that's all for now. Its hard to believe... but God really does have a plan.

Only God Knows..

its been awhile since I wrote here. this site is not very friendly to explorer... but its working well now with it.
So many things have happened since I last wrote. So many changes. I am working on acceptance now. Seeing things happen in my life that I do not like. things tha tI cannot control, but they happen, and I must react to them. I hope I can learn to react with class and a spirit of love.

Things of the heart, that is the hardest changes to accept. Things that happen I guess for a reason. Only God knows. And He is not telling me much. Ive seen some tears, and I have felt the  ach of a dying dream within a heart. But if this is to come to pass, then so be it. Only God knows.

Things happen that we just do not understand. sigh. I hate that. But that is just how it is. So you surrender it, then you finally accept it...and then you must trust that this was Gods will for it to come to pass. Simple formula... but harder to implement. I wonder why things of the heart have to be so ...hard. ... so... passionate...ugh. I pray that God will harden my heart...and that way I wont feel so much.

I see the sunshine today... and it is a good thing. I am not sure what the day brings, or the weekend. and Thanksgiving Day is not far away. I must go forward. alone or otherwise.... but forward. There are so many things I am not sure of... only God knows.

Its harder some days than other days... some days your happy, and things look so good ahead. and some days... they are not good... and things look very bad ahead. I have not enjoyed alot of my experiences. But I guess there are a few things I have enjoyed. maybe that is me being negative. Maybe some "sunshine" person would say they have enjoyed most of their life experiences, but not all. Maybe I am a stormcloud person. ha. Only God knows just who and what I am.

Come on then. Come on world. Comeon day...weekend. life. Hit me with your best shot. I can do this. Im not sure why Im doing it.... or why this "season" ever started or ended. Only God knows.

Plan B.

Seems Ive been away a while. Life is an ever changing creature... and its turned on me again. took me a bit to get out from under it ..but here I am. Ive recently been forced to take a long hard look at myself, and notice some things that I do not like. Things that were said to me before by others... that rang a bell when repeated this time. I saw a pattern. patterns are a funny thing. reminds me of a quilt. No two seem to be alike.. okok its late, and my brain is more foggy than usual, so give me a break here. Things of the past, and things of the present... gave me a bit of a jump start recently. It is not a comfortable place. Its a hard place. But If I dont look at it .. and change something... then I will be in this same place in teh future too. Somebody buy me a tshirt. been there , done that.

Sometimes, things just dont look like they are supposed to. They look familiar. But they just dont turn out ...the way you intended. So what do you do then? Well, you can run away, or piss on it... and change it. chances are they wont ever be what you thought it shouldve been, but... is it something you can live with? Maybe even enjoy... get some use out of. Kind of like gettin married...in a train wreck. maybe you can even learn to love it.

The night is getting longer... (is that a song?), and my eyes are getting heavier. The fog in my head is not lifting tonight, but who cares, its not like anyone will read this crap anyway. lol. married in a train wreck, is that an old johnny cash song? 

Tonights dark walk, was accompanied by 3 cats, twinkling stars and a hey diddle diddle. ok i read that somewhere, I dont even know what a diddle diddle is. but I think it sounds kinda naughty. the slice of an orange moon hung low in the sw horizen. Clearly, if the kitty could ve talked to me he would have. I think he tried to. i still think cats are naughty aliens who were banned to earth as a cat. thus the hoity toity attitude. (no you just used to be better then me..now your just a stupid cat *kick*). God did not talk to me, like I was talking to Him, im sure id pee my pants if He did. Maybe thats why He dont? I dont have very many good pants. Thanks Lord. But I read where He made a donkey talk once. Im sure he could make that cat talk. My luck, it would be a stupid cat.

ok plan b. maybe c. but certainly not the original dream. Lets milk this alittle..and see if we love it. want it, need it. i know thats a song dang it. a song is stilla song, a dance is still dance. a kiss is still a kiss. in times like these. wait. surrender all. accept it... trust Him.

thinking

Someday.. when you stand at the edge, and look,  you see the sight in front of you...and wonder what or if, or why, remember. Feel the crisp cutting edge of the wind as it whips under your collar, and blows your hair. Put your gloved hands in your coat pockets to get warmer. Look up. See the star I shared with you? the one I said was my star? Can you remember how to find it? It glows upon a background of dark blue hues and twinkles at you. Your days are numbered and you are much aware of it now. Do you remember now? It was your decision. All I did was love you. No matter what.


Now, as you face the uncertain future...isnt that the way futures are? You must face it without me. But it is ok to think... and remember. Remember what  you learned...and what you taught me. Embrace the memories. Do not resist the tear forming in your eye, or the smile ...faint as it is. Embrace, and remember.  Stand. It is hard, it is cold, it is lonely. But love endures. Do you remember now?  


Never again allow the past to determine your present, and future. Soak in this sight. Feel this moment. Allow this. Accept His blessing. He awaits you. Surrender. It is the only way.

cha cha cha changes....

You would think, by this time, and at this age, that nothing would surprise you. But thats just not how it is. I am still amazed and dumfounded at just how well I dont know someone! People are such interesting creatures, capable of such astounding feats, and behavior. There are atmospheres of spirit in which each one does the t hings that they do. A spirit of love, a spirit of hate, one of selfishness, etc. From these different perspective, come the fruit of their actions. I often question my own spirit... especially when I react strongly to any situation. I remember Christ reacted strongly in a few situations, so I guess if its the right time, its ok. I have had a good time in many ways..perspectives... the last few years. I have been blessed. 


I guess change is inevitable. I suppose if God wanted me to change a direction, and I was not open to it...He might cause something to happen to funnel me in that direction. If I am going to be hardheaded and closed to Gods direction, I hope I will survive the funneling process without too much pain. But you know.. getting squeezed into that little tube can be painful. think about it. 


Im sure glad He still gives me a quiet time. He simply wont allow me to sleep. presto. quiet time. I agree Lord to have a daily quiet time. Now would you give me a full nights sleep every night? Tonight..or rather this mornings quiet time on the back porch was nice. protected from bugs, and pesky cats, i listened to the night sounds. The locusts were loud, and an occasional coyote. the sounds of a kitty playing on the hammock. That was amusing. And my quiet talk with Him, surrendering all that is within me. One says they surrender... but do they really? Its not really about what I want anymore. It is about what He wants for me. I try to keep this in front and focused. An ice tea, a rocking chair, and a nice back porch. Thank you Lord.


Friday is here. Although there will be some unpleasantness today, I know that I will overcome as that is what I do. "For we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us". I think Im close to that scripture. Friday is nice. It always has been to me. I call it "date nite". 


The sun is coming....the sky has changed, even as I have typed this. The stars were beautiful, but now comes the  day. Change. I supposed it has to happen. Good... bad.... then good again... or maybe none of it is good or bad. Maybe it is all just a perspective. And we see it as good or bad. Maybe it is just... what it is. Change. I have asked God for some things...and was denied. It hurt. Sometimes it hurt alot. But later, I discovered, that the "change" was better for me...better than I could have known. I will remember this. 

weekend discoveries

good evening world. it was a weekend of growth, and discovery. Over the last 3 days, I have seen water and waves crashing on the rocks, girls in bathing suits..(always a good thing), electric carts, sea doos, fishing rods. Ive seen young people inside of old bodies. Ive seen the tears in the eyes of an old man when he talked of the past, and of love. I tasted good food. Had good kisses. I saw smiles, and heard laughter.  all in all, it was a good weekend.


now to more serious matters.  you know those very thin shorts that men wear...with the "liner" inside of them? you know... the kind your not supposed to wear underwear with? They are pretty comfy, IF you can keep your thighs from rubbing together when you walk, and IF you can manage to go tinkle w/o dribbling a spot on the front of your shorts. whoever designed those stupid things, made them to wehre if one little drop of anything...gets on the front of your shorts, it just spreads to like...4 times the size. and you think HOW could that big spot come from one drop of something? so you better be thru takin your whizz completely, cuz you know that shirt your wearing does NOT cover the spot you now have on the front of your shorts ...cuz you ..um... cuz you leaned on the wet counter of the sink. yeah! thats it. wet counter dangit. who did that??? ugh. now it looks just like I pissed my shorts. humph!!  oh..and whats the secret to walking in flip flops or sandels..and NOT getting a little rock in your shoe... especially the sandels. you cant get that little sucker out of...so you walk a few steps..and shake your foot... and walk a few steps..and shake  your foot. looks like you have tourettes syndrome or something. ok I didnt spell it right. but you see..what I mean!  and how many cookies is it ok to eat before  you are not noticed, and you can sleep without eating it twice before the night is out?


update on the aquisition of kittens: mandy and rango are still with me. they are loving ...toooooo loving.... and get a kick now and then type of kittys. the siomese twins ....well one is still with me. not sure where the other one is. and 4 kittys arrived today.... they were brought to me..let out...and ran off... in one second..and I never even saw them. maybe they are hiding in the tall grass or something. yes they have food and water.


so keep your eyes open...and  your ears listening...keep your mind open, and your heart ready to recieve....and maybe you will get alittle something you never thought you would. 

Its been awhile since I wrote in here. the year has been so busy. I go to bed exhausted..and remember that this is a good thing. ha. the grass and rain is good this year, but I am still recovering from the extreme drought from last year. I hope to buy hay soon in preparation for more cows. Im living day to day, as usual, and waiting for the roller coaster to take a turn. I watched the thunderstorm last night flash the night sky up most of the night. God sure was taking alot of pictures. The door from hell that I put up on the back porch is still up... so I guess it will not blow off after all. Some things are like that ya know....start out good, then poof. ice cream does that. its really good...then its...gone. okok i eat it. but it could melt dang it.


I harvested the first fruits of the garden. squash of course. I guess any dum klutz can grow that. Let the day come... and lets get through it with grace, peace and joy. let me see how much of that I can share with others I come into contact today. and when I cant do that... ill just arrest them. ha.

a beautiful sunset last night. That gate is in alot of my pictures.. it seems kind of symbolic some how, as the day ends, the gate is present. Thank you Lord for the blessings I have and that I can notice them now. 

Being Me.

The wind. it seems it never stops blowing. you can feel it whip under the brim of your hat. it blows your hair, and seeming blows right thru any clothes you wear. Today is one of those days you cant seem to get warmed up. Your bones are cold. your expression is grim, as you purposely look into the wind..as though you defy it. your not as young as you used to be. you have lived a thousand years. you give a bitter laugh, as you remember the times when you loved, and the times when you though you were loved. One day things are good. the next..things are not. one day your happy. the next... your life is changed. funny how another persons words spoken, can change your whole life in a matter of moments. "friends" need you..when times are hard for them... but they are not to be found when times are hard for you. Reality is as it is...in your mind. maybe. sometimes you can feel your heart harden, as you accept the fact that life is just one day after another. friendship is a front. they are just people..selfish people... playing a role. and expectations. lets not forget them. so many spend so much time caring, and living up to others expectations. I wonder why? Ive never understood this. For some reason they feel this need. Maybe it is how they feel accepted. *shrug*. I dont really need to feel accepted. Acceptance comes and goes. just like everything else.  the bottom line is... you do what you do because you want to do it. not for others. .. or for what you will get. you do it because it is for you to do. it is who you are. Sometimes in life you have to be distant. sometimes cold hearted. being warm and fuzzy is not realistic. but I guess there is a time for it. so what realistic? sunsets are. sunrises are. wind ...it always blows. days come and go. open the blinds in the mornings to see the sunshine come in. shut them at night so you wont see the darkness outside. for weeks. for months. for years. Living for your work is a foolish quest...and it is thankless. Then you die, and someone takes your place. there is no meaning, unless you can help the world be better...it will not have a lasting effect. 


So sometimes the road is sunny and hot, and long, and sometimes it is cold and snowy. It always seems lonely though. I wonder why that is.

Ive known people that are so social. They seem to attract people, and conversations, mostly they are pleasant. I hear them laugh, and see them smile. I know they feel many of the same things I feel. But they enjoy people. And people enjoy them. I wonder what it is like to be so liked? To have people see you, and cross the room just to talk to you? I wonder if they feel alone. probably not. but I think they are just as alone as I am. They just have mastered something that I have not. 


So you watch. you watch people. animals..you watch situations... you watch life.. you watch the days begin, and the days end. you watch your reflection change slowly as you age. And what is the meaning of it all? To recognize blessings I think... and enjoy them before they leave you. enjoy your season. for your life is just a season. each heartbeat within uncertainty of the next. each breath as ungaranteed as the next. Why spend your limited time in fear, or in worry. or living for others expectations? Go your way. Be your way. Maybe you will stand alone like me... and face the wind down, as you contemplate... or maybe someone will stand beside you, and allow you to laugh with them, and share a few smiles. Whatever the case, be true to you. Be who you are meant to be. Its not a bad thing. And if it turns out that being you is not so good...  you can stand alone too. Its the now of it... it is how it is. It will not last either. 

So.. new big fat letters. Maybe this will help me to see you better..*evil laughter*. Its finally a beautiful day in oklahoma. No tornadoes blowing people.. literally...away.. no heat waves, nor does the wind blow your logging chains away... its mild, sunny, and a beautiful blue sky with pretty white clouds.

Its a nice 75 deg... and what could be more perfect? I am trying the garden thing this year.. after wrestling my tiller...fixing flats, having one tire fall off! (Yes it fell off. Seems its hard to see that little hole in the axle...when your putting the bolt thru the wheel/axle... this getting old thing sucks. Im not used to having glasses fall down your nose, and suddenly your under a tractor or something, and both hands are tied up...and  your blind! ugh!)  and alittle engine work....im off to good tilling... Im planted and waiting a month to see something green besides weeds to pop up. I wonder why God made it so hard to grow something to eat? Maybe it had something to do with being thankful. 


This month I have heard from both old and current friends. It seems to be a time of remembering the past, and moving forward to the future. Boundaries are a good thing, they keep you safe. My last cat.. blackie died on the front porch. I am sad, but have a momma cat and her litter ready to pick up.. I hope they enjoy their new home. 


Sometiems words come to my mind and blogging is easy. ..and sometimes, they just dont come. this is one of those dont come days I guess. So Id best end thisone and start anew later. Heres to new beginnings, spring rains, flowers abloom, and new adventures with new love. heck even old love. can we throw some sex in there somewhere?before Im too old to do it?? okok. I did see a blue bird today. that must be a good thing. Now if 5 more join him, and start flyin around my head..thats a different story... but one is good.


later oh wise blogger thingy....

a new journey

Isnt it funny how things dont appear as they truly are, until later.. like youve stared at it until you see it? At first it is so pretty until you decide to pick it up. or the other way around, like when I picked up something in the dark laundry room ...and felt it was soft, not a piece of dog food I dropped. Turns out scorpions are soft. He was alittle slow on the sting, and I was quicker on the stomp.

 So just because you see a bed of roses, doesn't mean you should run barefoot over them. I guess journey ahead can be taken in different ways.... other then barefooted...I used to think that the important thing was that I was on the stupid journey! but I think I was wrong now.  you can travel it in diff ways....and some ways are better then others.

you can criticize each way, if its not your way, it s easier to criticize.  But sometimes you will see more of the fine details one way, vs the other. So heres to the future journey, and the next few turns. May they be adventurous rather then sad and hard. May they bring wisdom, joy and peace rather then chaos, and heartache.  

A new chapter, with new tears, new laughter, and a new ending.