a crazy christmas w/i my mind.

Christmas. It means so much to so many. the nephew on Scrooge said..."there are things that have brought me happiness, without fattening my purse one bit... Christmas is one of these"... I swear. he said it. I heard him. no I dont know him.. it was on tv.

Cold, gray, snow, and did I say cold? But we decided sometime ago, we would celebrate it at this time just so we can put a lot of colored lights into the environment. Hey its cold, gray and snow. Now lets make em blink. no the colors ...they can blink. stop asking stupid questions. no? really? no ones asking questinos? dang it. too much caffiene again. okok.. so. Christmas. Its the end of the year... i have a tree leaning at 40 deg ( broke one of the plastic legs) "decorated" with stuff. I am too christmassy. Now shut up. Isnt it odd, how we do this thing.? Now I have an idea. lets go out and buy alot of stuff. the economy needs it. and lets wrap them in colored paper. and lets put them under (the high side) of the leaning tree.

We cant put baby jesus in the city lights... we might upset someone. ugh. So. Thank you Jesus for coming. being born. thank you even more for dying for me. and rising again made it all worth while. Although  you made me "unique"... (the 4 that follow these silly blogs call it funny, and yes you knwo who you are), I am proud to get the chance to try to live up the purposes you have set before me. oh, and can you tell that last crazy cow, to load up on the trailer w/o killing me or herself, so i can reunite her with her "friends". the happy ones.. in california. (she dont need to know its not calif)

In the mean time.. sometimes this gray cold snow stuff... is just ... well. gray and cold. ugh. I wonder what christmas on the beach is like? waves. sand. sun??? some pretty ladies walking in front of me.

After this week I will not think of work, reports, deadlines, bills, or worry about a tripping over a tree in the dark. I have faith. it will not fall. sigh. I will focus on the smiles of the people I love. and chocolate pie. oh..and someones birthday cake. on.. music, and making good memories.

and growing old. oh thank God I get to grow old. today I looked all over the truck for my bluetooth ear piece. I checked my phone and it was connected. I was within 30 ft of it! but I just couldnt find it. in wallyworld I knew... when I checked it again... and it was connected..that i still had it. ON me. i searched myself in walmart. I found it in my stpuid shirtpocket. oh yes. I love growing old as a semi hi techy person. people thought I forgot to take my meds. hmmm. that might account for the voice asking questions.....

Merry Christmas to all. Try to remain sane until next year. oh the miracle of Christmas! now where are those meds. They are not.. i looked there.

Christmas stuff

I hear sleigh bells ringing..or are they only in my head. I feel the crisp wind of weather changing. I see you, and you and you... in red santa hats, and i see peppermint sticks, with lights blinking on and off. I hear music that brings more memories...I sit alone in  a house, the tv muted... and all these things I see and hear are in my head. I see baby Jesus in a manger. I feel the old joy of Christmas past, and remember with a sad smile. how can a smile be sad? and why does one feel sad when they smile? doesnt really go well together. but there it is. I remember waves crashing in on a sandy beach. I remember silver trees with colored lights reflecting. I remember breadsacks on my feet, because I had no boots when I played in the snow. I see Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye singing White Christmas, and Elvis with Silent night. It is indeed a silent night. When the tv is muted i can hear the grandfather clock ticking, the wind blowing, and these keys typing. I can hear the wheels of time creeping on... and on. Christmas past, it comes once a year. One more birthday. I never thought Id live to be this old. ha. bet i surprised a few. I see old smiles, and new smiles. I remember ... for a guy that cant remember what day it is, I remember so so much. Old laughter...new laughter. Old love...new love... I guess that is how it is supposed to be. I say let the past be ...it will come and go enoughas it is. Those that have left my course are not better off w/o me....but they will just have to struggle on with others. Poor bastards.  Those that are with me now.... enjoy today.
I hold no grudges, but I have anger. I wish no ill will, but Id like to stomp a few toes. Soon it will be a new year. okok im going to bed.

bored out of my mind.

hello December. its very cold at 28 deg. im sitting here in the recliner thinkng how cold my toes are. i have house shoes on... but im too lazy to light the wood stove. thats the thing that warms my toes. I just recline and swivel around to the stove, and my feet are inches from it. very nice. but Ill just leave the infra red heat on... across the room... its not as good. I havent showered, or shaved... and I dont feel like that either. I have tried magic. hey who knows, maybe Im magical. I told the stove to light. it didnt. i waved some theatrical gestures at it. nothing. ugh. Im normal mortal. well maybe abbynormal...well maybe semi abby normal... ok not normal.. but just not magical. I would ve looked so cool in a cape too. I coulda ...oh hell. nevermind.

I wonder if Im the only one that puts off a shower just because I dont wanna be cold. maybe I should consider a small heater back there. hmmm. the g/f is out of town now for so long. im bored to death. I decided not to go dancing last night...i justplayed video games . Im so intriguing...so adventurous. thats me.

well the christmas tree is up. its leaning about 40 deg. i kinda broke one leg that supports it. i think its the last year for this ol tree. it was a good tree. out with the old , in with th enew. it would be nice if I werent so sentimental. I think I need to fire up the ps3 again, and kill something. i need to step on the death machine (eliptical) and work on losing about 15 lbs.  ill start ..tomrrow. today something must die. yeah.

I could paint the office room. I could. uh huh. .

im an oklahoma redneck. now kiss my butt. *spit*

Today is a cold gray kind of december day. Alittle bit lonely. My g/f is..(yes I said girlfriend!) leaving tonight for new freaking york city...for 5 days. I bet she has so much fun she doesnt even remember this country boy. Time will tell I guess. I was in walmart today...with her, and she went thru the lingerie deptmt... I saw a sign hanging overhead that said "intitmate". I thought...hmmm. how romantic... so I made her slow dance with me under the intimate sign in walmart. now you know your redneck when you think dancin under "intimate" in the lingerie sectino of wally word is romantic. aint I special. hell yes. *spit*

Sometimes I get down, but then I hear that infectious giggle... and it just seems to lift my spirts somehow. I am not sure why I am on this kind of roller coaster, and I have not appreciated all the twists and turns it takes me on...but I must admit there have been some that I fully appreciated!  So I ll hold on, and wherever God takes me with it, Ill just go. Ill not hang my head and be a sad little man in a sad little house. Ill look up smile, and maybe even howl alittle... this is not my plan... but His has to be better then anythingI  could dream up.

I figured out how to make this "smart" phone be a fm radio..so im sitting here listening to c&w music. Ive slept single ina double bed, Ive walked in tall cotton, and Ive been boot scootin... and I never even left my fat ass recliner. and btw, this silly chair is leanin right. I wonder if this lazy boy it shaping my butt to the right or not? It better not be...cuz when I  two step (and Im getting way better at it) I do not wanna drift off to the right like im hving a stroke or soemthing. someone might call 911 or take me by the arm and try to tie me to the table so I dont wander off. Ill just start sitting here and lean to the left.....

I got the Christmas tree up...but this ol tree has seen its better days. I kinda broke the leg on it....and its leaning about 40 degrees. I m surprised its even standing up. I guess its fitting... the tree leans... my chair leans... hell...I probably lean too. I bet I have one leg shorter then other or soemthing.  or one butt check flatter then the other.  that cant be good.  I wouldnt even be able to create a good "seal" when I sat on the crapper. oh lets not go there...

no one said anything about lights on the house, so I m not saying anything either. I managed to get me a metal wood box on rollers made...now i can stack a ton of wood in it...(its 2ft x 3 ft) and roll it inside the back screened in porch. now i dont have wood ...and hopefullu scorpions in the house. I told that to the one I stomped in my bed room floor. turns out I can see them in this new carpet.

hey hey hey...wahts so wrong...with one more drinkin song...well thats on the radio. you dummy... youll ruin your life with that crap. be creative and write a song about something else. i know... how about slow dancing under the intimate lingerie song. yeah. do something with that cowboy. then  youll have a hit. dummy.

thats all I have to ramble about for now...ill end this listening to...how can I make you see.....it matters to me.....

thanksgiving 2011

thanksgiving 2011. it was an interesting holiday. this is the first time ever in my life, that I was not with any family at all. seems mom decided to do this day in a cabin in colorado with sissy, and who knows where brother is. The girls are with their mom and her folks. So dear precious pamM decided to feel sorry for me and invted me to be with her folks. It was a huge gathering of several families at a home in the country. Somehow... day before yesterday I hurt my hip. yes my stupid hip. I think i pinched anerve. it is very painful, and I limp terribly... so when I went, i pumped up with ibprofen...which dulled it, but I still had a slight limp. Thats always better (slight rather then terrible limp) when your carrying someone elses pies to the truck because your the "young and strong one".. those 80 yr olds can still whip out a great pie.. i guess I can carry them to the truck. so i went, and watched... and tried not to fall down. I did well. i was on my best behavior and didnt grope the g/fs ass even once. well maybe once.  but no one saw.

Im not sure how ones hip can hurt so..when  you didnt do anything to hurt it. It must take one tough sob to grwo old gracefully. I think I will grow old....kicking and clawing someones eyes out. probably my nurse or home health care person.  Surely I did somethng special to hurt like this... like throw a bad guy over my hip and put a secret ninja move on his ass. hmmmm. or maybe I rescued someone...like..froma burning building or soemthing. yeah. I like that. Im waiting to hear from someone important about getting a medal or soemthing. Maybe it was when i lifted that JD tractor tire rim into the truck. Im sure glad I figured out what to use tha tfor... a very nice fire ring...to have a nice campfire in and roast weenies in. and then that bear attacked, and I threw him over my hip into the fire and we ate roasted bear. and I saved the whole group. and uh...the big group of boyscouts that was just down the uh.. road... that the bear...oh. hell. nevermind.

ok. i will provide TG dinner tomrrwo for the girls, which of course will be at the local cafe. I think ill lay down on this new carpet for ab it....and hope that I can get up. Ive found that I now know what coffee tables are really for. They are just the right height to pull up on, crawl up... and stand up... when you cant otherwise get up. it should be called a get up table. or ...something like that.

I may take my walk, but I hear the wind blowing. that would be just right huh? gettinb blown off my feet, and cant get up. maybe I should get papa's old cane. He would laugh at that. I have a nicer home then I had last year. I have more peace then I had last year. I have more hope, and more insight. I also have less trust, and few expectations. im not sure if that is bad or good. I have good health, an income... and a few internet friends... maybe even a few real life ones. I thank God for these things. I will try not to blame others for their stupid decisions, that affect me. Is almost time to say goodbye to this year... and look down the road for the next one. but not quite. I dont know where this rollercoaster is headed... but im hangin on... Im not prayin Jerimiah 33:3... not feeling that adventurous.. ill just hang on to the ride im on now.

I hope i can limp gimp my fat self to bed.

furniture and memories.

Memories. isnt it funnyhow they return to you? at the most unexpected times, they make you slow down. they make you think. remember. you feel things when they come. sometimes it is warm and fuzzy. sometimes it is sad. sometimes happiness and laughter. but they do something to you dont they? Ive found that there are many types of "triggers", that can do this... recently I have had to move furniture around, as Im getting new carpet. Im not nearly done, and have zero help. but nothing for a big stepper like me... but the thing is, it brought to my heart and mind, memories of a time past, when we moved things around... to paint the house. I remember vividly. A slow dance in the living room. paint on her nose. smiles, and a butt chewing for stepping in the paint. I learned how to paint though. a mixed set of emotions and feelings. who would have thought. simply moving furniture. I swear some men are such saps. sentimental foolishness.  wouldnt it be much better if one could delete this silly sentimental crap? and feel nothing. just a simple memory w/o the feelings, or passion would serve me much better. but I do enjoythe smile it brings to my face, even if it accompanies a tear. (something in my eye, allergies probably).

so the big question of the day.... can I move the tv and stand.? will it survive. oh its gonna get moved. but I think the tv weighs more then the tv stand is rated for...and Im not sure either will survive the move. itll be a huge mess if it doesnt. and a new tv too. ugh.

so heres to furniture moved. and smiles of the past. I slow danced alone in that very spot today. well.. ok i stood there and remembered. i danced in my mind. ha. and I was good too dang it. I better stop there, or I may never get out of my mind!

its nice to have a place to write yoru thoughts out. this time Ill be sure and not push the stupid fb button. ha. A time in the past... of paint, tape, furniture moved. and a dance with a dream that didnt really exist... except within me. a sweet moment. savor it. feel it. accept it. now. where the heck am I putting this recliner?

interesting year

Well it was the worst drought ever in oklahoma history. No rainfall here at my house for over 55 days. not one drop. the ground cracked....ponds dry. the grass died. I sold the cattle. Theres no hay here in the whole state for this winter. Then finally it rained. Its still raining. ..seems it spawned winter tornadoes.... which is unheard of in oklahoma. Tornadoes int he witcha mountains. theyre more like hills to me...but still. Then 28 earthquakes......one of which was 5.6 ...it shook my whole house. And I thought it was my kissing... and now an asteroid the size of a city block thats coming closer then the moon.. tonight!

its been an interesting year. makes you wonder if were gonna see santa this december or what. hmmmm. my propane tank is full, and my wood is cut. its wet, but its cut. I went two steppin last night. first lesson....i have the basic step down fairly well. i even did a turn or two. seems that little blond that is not quite my g/f, knows how to dance very well! thats handy. cooks, dont look bad, kisses good, and now dances well. hmmmm. wonder how she can handle a shovel? hmmm.

Healthy Livin..

Ive been thinkin. I hate it when that happens. Sometimes I smell something burning. I think I smell it after I start thinking..but hey, it could be before. Youll have to ask the little green man. (thats another blog yet to come). That bastage seems to know everything. So at 50 yrs of age, and all this disease and body parts wearin out and so forth, I decided maybe I should eat more healthy. Now I know that chocolate has kept me alive, and that its an undiscovered health food group of its own, but..I thought.... green.... something natural. Something grown. God gives it life, it must be good. So I went to the suckyourmoney/lifeouttayou store, and looked. Produce. yeah. ok. all kinds of stuff. i saw celery. ive heard of celery. but I didnt know how to cut it up....but then presto! I saw a bag of it already cut up! I got that. youc ant go wrong with all natural healthy stuff that comes right from the ground. WELL... I dont know if this particular stalk of celery grew out of a shit pile...or if it was cursed by the creator...but it did NOT taste good. But I was determined. So ifigure... one of those celerythingys per day.... no matter how bad. the first two days...well. i drank diet pop to wash it down. it was terrible. but now, the third day...

NOW IVE GOT IT!

halloweenie 2011

halloweenie...woo hoo. the only time of year a grown man can dress like anything stupid and act even stupider...and no one even flinches. its true...I tested it... they dont even bat an eye. and sometimes they even take pictures of you! They call it.. Halloween (for adults). no apple bobbing.. or "fishing" for prizes.. its more like a live band, and every body gets toasted on their ass, and by the 3 rd hour, they really think they can dance! Its the best entertainment ever!  So I got me a pretty date, dressed like a knight. I carefully chose this costume, becuase as Captn America, I would have roasted, and it unzipps from the BACK... which means you better hope you dont have to go pee! Have  you any idea what happens when Capt America goes to the bathroom, and he asks some guy to unzip him? not good. not good. So this year, the knight. its not to hot...didnt sweat to much, and I can pee alone. I blended in well. I improved on my 2 steppin abilities... and only stepped on her toes twice. ok three times. I discreetly stole all the tootsie rolls from all the tables... (hell they were drunk and didnt know it) and watched the cheap entertaiment. One FAT woman pirate... one long haired guy in while with a top hat... and lots of others. but i especially enjoyed the hired help who were young and wore little short thingys that drove all male minds instantly crazy. One even bent over...arched her back..and someone took her picture while someone else raised her skirt from behind! I couldnt 2 step stumble bumble run flat assed fast enough to get my own or see what she was wearing under there... but..uh.... it did short my brain out for about ...say....3 hours. I had to slap myself 4 times to become conscious... ok 3 times. my date slapped me at least once. But after that I was semi normal...and we danced away.

In the end..I it was good cheap entertainment, and I saved a damsel in distress. I swear I did too. I saved her better then errol freakin flynn I did. Now the costumes are put up... and I m back to normal...well semi normal .... and ready for antoher owrk day. so ...in the words of my childhood...... trigger treat. I always wondered how that stupid horse held a bag of candy.

the inbetween time...

the nite is cooler..almost crisp. and it is wet outside. Its that time...you know... that special time.. in between being awake, and going to bed. The hardest time of all. To cease to exist for a few moments... to avoid life, and all thoughts. To stop feeling, and simply drift into nothingness. When  you wonder so many things... things of the day, things of yesterday....and of many yesterdays. Its a heavy kind of meloncholy time. A time that makes me restless.....a time that makes me walk.... a walk in the outdoors....in almost any weather.... to clear my mind. a mind that ...seems to never be clear. ha.  So I look at the stars. I talk to God. I cant think about the future during this special time. I am not sure what to call it... the "in between time".  not able to relax, but not able to continue. the body is tired, but the spirit restless. something inside speaks..or tries to.... and sitting here typing on this stupid thing seems to help me somehow.

somehow...things seem to go on anyway. just on and on.... someday they wont I guess. goodnite world.

country hunger .....not to be confused with "world hunger"

I keep wondering what that knawing feeling is in the pit of my stomach. I dont have time to deal withthat. So I ate another cheese sandwiche. and used the last two pieces of bread. Youd be surprised at how long you can go w/o going to the dreaded wally word money sucker store cuz you have to buy food place. not to worry, i have bottled water. I heard you could live on water for a long long time. Besides, i have 197 lbs to live off of. When / if I get down to say...190....ill start to wonder if I should go to the suckmedry wal-fart store to wander aimlessly up and down the isles. Once I had to call 911 cuz I got lost in there for about 3 days. I had teeth marks on the canned foods. yes its a superstore and its always freakin open. sucking the life out of regular folks. I still have some cans of soup in there. that would require getting up, opening can, heating contents...and the real kicker.... a bowl. you see you cant eat soup on a paper plate. makes a real freakin mess. so that means have to wash a bowl. see the problem? its growing... I have some other foods, but they are dated 2005 or something like that. the sack of potatoes is...well. we dont open that drawer in the ice box anymore. its better left shut. you cant eat it anyway...whats the use in ...well. see the problem? This is called "country hunger". Someday people like me will be on the tv... asking you to give a few cents...daily... and itll buy me a corndog. oh. I ate the last corndog a few days ago. ButI still have ketchup. and choc chips for emergencies. I have choc syrup too. but no milk to mixi with, and no ice cream. Lord no ice cream for forever. I can bite the block of cheese....and leave teeth marks. its more fun then slicing it... or HEY!! I could eat a can of something out of the can! IF it is not more then 5 yrs old. I think.. I ate tuna dated 2008... but did not die. so it must be ok. I have half a jug of grapefruit juice. I have a grill. I have a crock pot. ugh.

tomrrow....work and go to the money pit that drains me completely. I will have an emergency plan in effect beforehand. One locater, one credit card, a diagram with exit signs clearly marked....and a cell phone for urgent "is this good to eat/buy/fix" calls. do I have YOUR number??

country hunger. I feel light headed. where oh where is a good woman that will cook me something? Is there a God ?? ( okok i know there is but ...send her!) Ok i am rambling....its the first of "country hunger". write to me if you need an address where to send  your .25 cents.

With some prjects completed, and others still being born, just out of reach., I have managed to stay busy and not let the sounds of my own wheels drive me crazy. A friend printed off all of these blogs for me.. (thank you Linda) and i have them all in a nice little folder. For some reason, she thought they were important. I sit here watching the north front blow my new American flag over my new sidewalk. And I know that if I make enough changes, that the memories of times past will slowly distort and change. and who knows...maybe even disappear. When I look out at it, from my fatboy recliner, I seem to have some kind of hope. I guess any variety of hope is a good thing right? I mean... its better to have garden variety hope, then none at all I think. So I watch it. And I watch time go by day by day. I have lots of free time it seems, even though I have completed many projects this year.  I watch the sunsets roll in, and once in a while even the sunrises ... I enjoy a coffee, maybe an ocassional pipe smoke...(I.Q. flavor), and I am thankful that I can witness daily miracles. I hear laughter, and note the way she can laugh, at things that are just not funny! lol. I mean...how does she do it? I see deer during my walks, that stand there, knowing who and what I am, but not caring...thinking..."whats that farm boy up to.. oh. no gun. sniff sniff. but the stinks."  I see life living, and growing, and I see my own face growing older day by day. I have not cut my hair in a while, and the grayness is quite noticeable. maybe Ill be one of those old men with a hat and long hair. ha. It is of course, almost "no shave november".. and Im getting a head start on that too. I try to not let the little things in life disappoint me. and lets face it. most of the things that do , are little things. In 10 yrs... they will mean nothing... much less 10,000 years.  I date. I pray. I seek God. And I am better. I am stronger. and maybe  life will be good. maybe even better. I will allow it... and recieve it, if God will send it.

Finally a tumble weed..... its about time. Remind me to write about how I buried electric wire to power the shop with...and kinda sorta buried the wrong wire. But I did not set anything on fire. This time.

Let us continue the course....

If this thing lets me post...maybe I will post some more later.

The reality of me...

Shadows ...of the past, shadows of the future...sometimes they make sense, and sometimes they just do not. Sometimes they hold you back, or hold you up.. or just mamke ynou wonder wth??
When you think something is permanent, it is not. When you believe but it is just smoke in your eyes.... you just cant accept it. When you think... what an odd combination.....then see it work...I dont know. What I thought was, is not.... and what I thought made no sense...well maybe it does now..

So...anyway....perceptions are just images arranged in certain fashions....in a certain order. Reality is what happens. Judge a tree by its fruit, not by what you think it is... or see it as.

It is too bad that mistakes or ideas percieved as one thing, was really something else... and that experiencing it, causes some pain, disappointment, and hurt feelings. Just when  you see such potential...thats when you see the reality of it. the real fruit. So now, i try to remember...no matter what I think I see, or think I feel.... I have to wait. On the fruit. Actions will speak so loud. pay attention to their actions. It is the fruit of who they really are.  Maybe if I just dont believe....just stay at a safe distance... it wont be as painful. Then I can really be a hermit.  An emotionally long haired, bearded hermit....

At least ...i hope ...at least I can keep a sense of humor while doing it.

So maybe my perceptions are my reality, and reality is different for each person. Kinda like that tree alone in the forest... that thinks its a big stick. umm. well maybe thats not quite right...The capricorn part of me though...says there is one true reality..... and all else is just ....BS. But it seems so real...... while  your going thru it.

Today was a nice day, not to hot, and not too windy. I saw all the things I love... almost. I saw lightning, and heard thunder. I saw a pretty blonde woman. I saw deer in the wild. I saw a sunset, and pink colors reflected on soft white clouds. I saw the stars in the black nite sky. I did not see a red bird, a rainbow, or a pot of gold, or an angel. Unless the pretty blonde woman was an angel.

All the things I experienced today were arranged just so.... in my head. recieved by me.. accepted by me.... cherished by me. it was my reality today. whatever it was... I was good today. Tomrrow..... well whe shall see about that.

to be me.

what its like to be...me. to feel ...the things I feel and think. I guess this is hwat I have been trying to do...since I started blogging about life. my life... my thoughts... the things that have changed.

I have noted many changes in my life time. From the way people treat each other, from technology progressing. From using "nigger" as a house hold word, to being treated as a minority ... from having a party line and dialing with  a rotary phone... to having a cell that accesses almost everything.

I was sitting yesterday on the patio enjoying a mornign cup of java...and said..."theres my cow"...but it wasnt MY cow....and so i got up and took the 4 wheeler out to check fence lines... all the fences looked good, but MY cow i could not find. maybe mine morphed into a younger one.  maybe I should follow it and see what its drinkin...and drink alittle myself. lol. course...it changed its color...not sure Im up to that...but hey I wouldnt be the future minority either. The triple digit weather has been about 55 days now...and everything is burnt to a crispy crunch. I think the grasshoppers are starving too.  As soon as it breaks...ill finish the house...paint. and start my winter chores. At least I wont have to put out hay. Unless I cant find the lone mysterious cow that tried to kill me when  I loaded the rest of them up. Im keeping a look out for my hotshot prod.... and my trailer is still being repaired. I hired a guy to put the floor in.

My mind has such trouble moving forward...getting bogged down in the past and seemingly stuck. My goal is to figure this out...at my age, I should have learned it by now. but ...short bus dont go there.

This life makes me wonder what things will be like in another 100 yrs. It will be a curious thing. but I will be glad not to be here to watch mankind poison the earth more and more....its like watching your kid make bad decisions....and be too stupid to learn from them.

my blogs are alittle boring lately.... i will either stop altogether....or find something funny to write!

happy anniversary.

yesterday.... never did seem so far away... my thoughts of you, and the way you loved me. now today.... im not sure you were ever real, my idea of you and the way i thought you loved me. Tomorrow now... I wonder how... i will receive your memory.. if you well disappear completely into something I used to call reality... but may question its existance then.

perceptions.. arent they just a form of reality? your image...was real to me once. Now its just something I remember. But explain this pain... is it the realization of something that was so important...never actually existing? were you ever real? and maybe it just does not matter. perhaps, my heart and mind are my world. Heart and mind... they seem to transend all time...they know but do not care...and see only to love feel and bare.... everything.

one year ago.... you were so real. tonight...as I sit here alone....in an empty house.... you are not so much...but explain the pain. its my new song. explain the pain...
and no im not smoking crack.

what part is real?

WHAT PART IS REAL? BY D. MCKINZIE

 I live alone in the country. I cut my wood for my heat. I check the fencelines on my metal horse.
I watch ths sunrise in the mornings. I see it set into the night. I havent seen my girls much since my divorce.
I have a lot of time to think here. and a lot of time to feel. I talk to God and ask Him what part is real?

She used to be in my life daily. We talked and texted on the phone. We sent pictures and live talking videos too.    
 Shed fly to see me time to time...and i never felt alone. But I havent talked to her in months, and Im feelin blue...
What parts were real....? Maybe it was a dream. I dont like the way this feels. comin apart at the seams.

I put my boots on just like always.put my work gloves on too.
I see the rain come, and the sun rays, and watch teh sky turn blue.
 I stay busy with my life as it is..I talk to my dog.
pointless days is what it is, Gotta get out of this fog.

Flannel sheets on the bed now. A few pecans on the ground. I saw a turkey, and the next day a deer.
A sick cow now and then. The stars here are so bright. Its a little confusing, but i will not fear.
I have alot of time to think here, and a lot of time to feel. I talk to God and ask Him what part is real?

the reason God made california.

i am not sure if I posted this song or not. when I try to look, this stupid site locks my browser up. so im posting it now. sorry if it is a repost.

The Reason God Made California by Dwayne McKinzie

you were blonde and blue eyed, you were just a little thing
I fell you you darlin,  you made my heart sing.
It wasnt our first rodeo,  you were fifty one, but we felt like teens, kissing , having fun.

You said I owned your body, and youd marry me someday.
We dreamed and talked alot about how our lives would be.
But it was just to far for you, you tried so very hard,
but someday isnt coming I can see.

I thought you were the reason God made Oklahoma, and the way we used to sing it made me cry.
I never thought the day would come when you gave up on us,
but you did, you said I love and goodbye.

you said I  owned your body, and youd marry me someday.
We dreamed and talked alot about how our lives would be.
But it was just to far for you, you tried so very hard,
but someday isnt coming I can see.

I gave up all the women, for a glimpse of your smile
I cn still see you diggin flowers in my boots.
but you didnt believe in me, my country ways and style..
so you went back to your city and your roots.

Its for women like you that God made  California,
so be happy and live your life with him.
Ill be watching sunsets alone,Ill watch for what comes next,
but Ill remember my dream girl and  of "when".

You said I owned yoru body, and youd marry me someday.
WE dreamed and talked alot about how our lives would be.
But it was just to far for you, youtried so very hard,
but someday isnt coming I can see.

draft/song

when im touching her, im touching you. When I hold you, Im missing the way she feels.
Your loving me, and Im loving her, Im waiting for something to heal.

If you cant bring her back , get her out of my heart, if she wasnt all that , then give me a new start.
I see her everywhere, but she just disappears, I know she doesnt care, but my eyes are tears.

When Im touchin you, im touchin her, when I hold you  I miss the way that she feels. Your lovin me and Im loving her, Im waiting for something to heal.

Its been a year since I looked in your eyes.

I love you.

nothing.

tonight was such a pretty night. despite that fact that it is very dry, and in fact a record breaking drought .. the night air was not so hot... and the stars were pretty. I walked my place tonight, as I often do, and saw the many places where memories pop up. I wondered ...again.... why I am in this place. I will remember the good times with others, but the good times I have alone too. And the projects I have managed to complete alone. Ive done ok.

I sold the cows today. I took a loss of course..but not as bad as I thought it was going to be. all but one stupid mean ol bitch of a cow. she tried to kill me of course. I could not fin dmy cattle prod... and I sure needed it. I bloodied my hand from beatin gher with a rod... as it rubbed a huge sore on my fingers. I was lucky I didnt get hurt. I guess I should invest in a proper loading squeeze shute... instead of a home made ..(gate)

My thoughts are not deep... and my skill at writing is not so great either.. but I will continue to stop in here and share a few thoughts. It has been one  year ...on aug 17..... that "she" exited my life. I have dated alot ...since then. but somehow there is still too much of her in me yet. I suppose in time (I hope) she will sort of disappear.  I cant see that, but they say time does that kind of thing.  The daily tasks of living remain... the deadlines, the stress, the bills, the mundane, (no thats not the name of my dog) and most of all, the emptyness that cannot be ignored and swell sup in the quietness of night. I think that is why I walk at night. I know some people send their tumbleweeds out at night.... with their letters attached. I just walk and talk. It is harder to see memories in the dark. I am better at staying busy in the day, but I still dread the oncoming winter months.  Letterman is over...and craig ferguson is doing his thing. what a racket. act stupid with a few puppets, and get rich. only in america.

maybe the country will go bankrupt on aug 1.... otherwise it is my girls bday. I worry about her,.. as she is having some physical troubles.

I wish this world a good night.....and dont forget to dream. its how I got into this mess after all. And the rest of the world should be righthere with me too!

Liars Suck.

the world consists of takers, deceivers, givers and believers. Its good if you can recognize that. Even so, there are times I just absorb their energys, and accept them..thinking that they are more good... then what they are. It is just never good.... never.... when you begin with deceit. What good can come of it? Do you really think that I would never discover it? I mean, in time... someday over the rainbow... the truth comes out. And presto... I realize that you are a deceiver.  So it is like you expect me to just "get over it". Just get over your anger... your using to much negative energy. I was told those very words today.

I am bitterly disappointed in people. To be more specific... in women.  A woman tells me.. she is looking for this and that. That she is this and that, when in fact she is not. I think maybe she does not knowwhat she is looking for, and has practiced this deceit many times before, so she thinks it is maybe normal... and the previous victims dismissed her memory quickly enough...so I should to.  What a game. What a life. I can be empty and alone w/o playing that one. After all, living that lifestyle is empty enough.  Recently I met a "free spirit". She was too. I appreciated her attitude and outlook on life. I loved her laughter, and her eyes. but she kinda omitted that she smoked marijuana for years...on a weekly basis..and that she still does. Bitter disappointment. so much for "free spirits".

Doesnt this method of growth and interaction with forces outside of myself seem alittle... vexed? Frustrating? I can just imagine how God feels. One almost feels like he is in the desert, walking through the heat and dead grass. It does not help that this state is in a very very bad drought, and the grass is dead. When I fnally get that trailer fixed...I guess Ill haul to market and take my losses. Maybe it will rain through some special blessing that I know I just must deserve.

So this is how it will be... i can see it in the future. two wounded souls..will meet. They will recognize each other.. and know that the other has been through life ...hurt but still alive. They will accept each other for what they are, and use each other to become more. They will embrace each others heart, and for a moment help heal the hurts therein. There will be no fireworks or rockets. Each has already experienced that in their lives...and if they see it again, they would run like hell. But in place is a small sparkle that grows just a tiny bit each heartbeat. It is not known (what am I a psychic?) whether they will grow enough to become permanent..but as my free spirit once told me.."nothing lasts forever".

The road is long, and appears to lead to no where. but maybe no where is a place too. Its hard, and I htink maybe the journey itself is the experience. ..and not the destination. I heard.. that you dont learn anything through success....only through the failures. And that is life. We improve, we expand. But the dreams we dared to dream are disentagrated. (spelling).  From dream girl, to your a cute girl, porche to opal cadette... we adjust. Some call it settling. I dont know the accuracy of that. Maybe it is just being realistic. So we enjoy the "nowness" (just made that one up!) of it all... today. right now..  and we notice things we did not before. LIke how red a redbird is... and did that star actually twinkle?? I even have my very own star. If you folow the handle of the dipper...to the very end...and just offset from that.. is a star that is brighter then the other ones.... well thats MY star. The Star of Sundance. yeah. I claim it.  I appreciate it, the moon. And what beauty there is left in this dry desolated land that was once green and beautiful.

So i look and watch. And wonder, and talk to God... about what is ahead. Is it health ? or is it sickness? Is it hardship? or is it a nice pretty hilltop? and ... will I experience them alone... or with another? I guess it does not matter... as....in her words...."nothing lasts forever".

waiting on whats next...a whole new perspective....

You ever notice that no matter what bad stuff happens... there is always something good in there somewhere...if you look hard enough. or maybe lookin hard is not the right wording... maybe looking with a different perspective..  I practice by watching clouds. sometimes  cloud is just a cloud.  but i fyou wait a few minutes... it becomes something. an elephant. man theres a lot of cloud elephants. ever notice that?  you never see.....say...a skunk cloud... or ... a train cloud.... but boy those elephants are big floaters. then if you keep waiting... eventually the sun will set. sometimes these are boring.. but sometimes, man sometimes they turn those elephants in to something else!

and so...

you watch... and you wait.... the path ahead is scattered with roses....? or...with the thorns of roses? I guess its with what perspective you see it...as to which you see first.  Sometimes it is winter. and the cold cold cold seems to never go away. first thing I do in the morning... put on some sweats... im cold. house shoes..im cold. start a fire. its cold. snow. ice. gray gray gray. and then...poof. youve waited... and the results are... you now see something different because it is different. now its hot. turn on the AC.  blooms...colors...mow the grass. sweat. I wonder....if when it was winter, if I could change my perspective, and make it summer.... and feel hot... instead of cold. if I can do that, ill make it hawaii here every day...and ill toss in some naked women, and be content in whateve rstate I am in. cuz ill just bring em with me. yeah

so this time thing.... waiting... scriptures say to wait...and not to worry or fret. Trust ...it says. and it will come to pass. The universe seems to find a way to do this... or maybe God just does it.. i dont know. But i do think He has something to do with it all. Then this time thing passes.....and poof... so do we.. In to the next dimension...then next life.... whatever you want to call it.

I think I am enjoying my life more now. all I did was wait... and start trying to achieve and do and go. .. but from right here. alone. just me. no bed of nails anymore tumbleweed. its a better thing now. Im starting to like it. like a breath of fresh  air... like something new is about to start. I like it.

now lets soak up the peace and joy.

the mood has left...

the wind is blowing here... just like it always does... and the blue sky shimmers through heat waves. Its in the upper 90s today here... and stella is laying asleep at my feet. shes a good dog. I am glad there is something ..that breathes air, that is close by, that at least seems to understand my world. I keep the tv on.... so I can hear the voices. I guess its good that the voices come from the tv and not my teeth. ha. It is so hot, that I have not been very productive...but I have a long list of things I should do. All of which cost me a pretty penny.

i didnt sleep much last night. to many M&ms I guess. so its a slow day today. this evening Ill find soem projects to do. im not sure what to blog about anymore. I guess this may be the last blog. I dont konw. seems the mood to blog has left me.

happy memorial day...

Today is memorial day weekend. I have never been so bored or lonely ... i did alot of things today to stay busy. It finally got so hot that I decided to turn the AC on. I talked to my ....or.... her...dog alot today. I wondered what in the world am I existing for? the day was nice and the evening was too. I did some things outside, and laundry, etc. Tonight I got house fever and went to braums and had french fries and a choc malt. Dip the fries in the ice cream. its really good.  When I got home, I peeked in the window. silly dog was asleep but thankfully not on the furniture. Some watch dog. ha.  If I could make money from recycled dog hair, Id be rich today. i have watched old movies all day on the TCM channel. and poof. here it is...11 pm already. I am going to take my late walk in just a few. the weather is so nice. with a nice breeze. its warm though...its still 80 deg outside! good thing the wind is still blowing. Tomorrow is church. I ve been thinking lately.... i hate it when that happens. dont you? dang it. and i realize tha tI can be a very negative person. I hate being negative. I guess I ve been rather pissed off for the last month.... about things I knew, but just didnt want to accept or admit. So i acted like a troll, and drove off the few people that cared about me. Its apattern of mine. I guess solitary living may be the best thing for me. so stop gripin at the hair troll boy. I think troll man sounds way better. I guess if I can run em off...they werent gonna stay anyway. something marilyn monroe said.....something like IF they cant take me at my worst, they sure as hell dont deserve me at my best. sounds nice...but... not very realistic. sounds abit selfish of you silly woman. course your dead...so nevermind. stella found her fav stick today again...she brings it to me almost daily...andwe play this I want you to have, but I dont want you to have it game... and when I ge tit, i throw it, she runs and brings it back. she grins alot. I think she is happy. If I were a dog, Id want to be like her. just a good dog. I miss the sillyness of her sniffing all the time... and that goofy grin. but there are some things I do not miss too. it is good to remember that. makes you wonder...what in th eworld is going on. and like my tumbleweed said... at least my runway is clear now. it was not such a bad day. ihad icecream. i ummm.... had ice cream....and watched some old movies. still doing that. sat nite live is a repeat. I will be a positive happy person. not a repeat of my dad. thanks alot papa.

things that go bump in the night..

i was just almost asleep. i swear. all tucked in... david letterman was over. then iheard it... the sounds of a woman.. like hse was hurting.. and she was outside my window somewhere. i thought no way, im hearin ghings...i ve lived here 8 yrs, and never heard tha tsound before. I crept up and cracked th ewindow to my bedroom an dpeeked out. I didnt hear that sound again, but saw something that made chills run up my spine... the red dot ...that had to be the lazor sights of a gun. that meant i had a red dot on me... but so far no bullet piercing my body! i think anyway... so I shut the window, and grabbed a sawed off shotgun... its heavy loaded... and i ran outside. I was not happy that someone was outside, and more unhappy that someone was pointing that at me. what else coudl it be?  I was prepared to die, or kill. or both. you could hear the sound of my pump shotgun.. but nothing. i crept around the truck. lit up the flowerbeds... nothing. then i saw the red glow. Remind me to unplug my cell phone charger!!! but that sound..? My tomcat.... making weird noises hes never made before... sounds just like a girl.

boy dont i lead an exciting dangerous life? thats me. Im  a ninja warrior... dangerous I tell ya! now im all pumped up and wide awake. maybe ill fade in the recliner...Im reminded of when my child heard things under her bed. the booger man...she just would not sleep. So id ge a can of lysol and i had it labled "boogy man killer spray". I explained that this spray would instantly kill and make disappear any boogy man hiding. I sprayed under the bed, the closet..and any place she pointed to. .. whichwere several. Then she felt satisifed.. funny she trusted a can of lysol. I have a friend that has battled breast cancer. after a couple of surgeries, she has shared that she is worried.. that she will have to undergo another surgery... in june. Im nto sure she has anything to base this on. I hope not!  I guess sometimes..no matter what age you are, things just go bump in the night.

tougher then you know.

This was my first "tornado season" with my new shelter. Im glad it was dry inside! A couple of nights, a big twister blew right over my house. Now I havent been inside of a shelter for about 35 years. You just cant see the funnel from down there! But that night, I sensed something coming that was definitely not good. I saw the weather patterns.. and I saw the radar. But then something happened for the first time. I felt something. and it said...ITS COMING! lol. well. i relooked... and waited. this storm should have gone just to the north of me...but i could see via radar new ones were coming ..right for me. Then the lightning got so bad..I decided to go ahead and test the shelter. It had just started to rain, and I timed it right. I learned some things that night. First.. take a stupid flashlight oh rocket scientist. and clean and bug bomb the thing before storm season! well. I got the one single candle lit.... NOT enough light! and kept my eye on the black widow in the corner. Every time I moved the candle  that stupid spider moved. closer! 

so i sat there... puffed my pipe..and listened. then sissy started texting me... updating me. apparantly the storm grew quickly and produced at least 2 tornadoes. both were very close to me. I heard the weather helicopter buzzing around my house. The sounds of the storm almost made me deaf!  Then the special noises.... train sounds. things hitting my metal door of the shelter... i could see the light of the lightning thru the crack in the metal door every time the door tried to fly open! good thing it was chained shut. i knew my house and/or barn was getting blown away.

while I sat there...i acknowledged that none of this "stuff" was mine anyay. Im just borrowing it all ..until my time on earth is over. The trees, grass, animals, the barn ..and my home. I figured worse come to worse, Ill still have a nice patio. lol. I knew when I opened that door... that it was going to be a shock. I braced myself. just another valley to trot through right?  i opened the door...

nothing at all ... was amiss! geesh..i could hve stayed in the house?!! I was so relieved. i did have soem barn damage. but oh well. 2 1/2 inches of rain...  sometimes things seem so bad. you pray, you worry, you just know your not gonna get past it... you figure the damage done will just be too much. but it isnt. it just isnt. i guess were tougher creatures then we know. next time...Ill pee before I go though! and I have a broom, and extra light in there too!

Happy Easter.

what am i learning here?

The journey ahead. this is my 2nd attempt to post. I guess God didnt want the first one to post! lol. Sometimes that ol short bus... gets alittle bumpy. and often I take the scenic route..around. Sometimes its dry and long, and sometimes its cold and hard. But it seems it is always MY journey to take.

So..i know this looks like I havent made much progress, but ye smart-azzes...its because its almost the same pic..outside on the dirt road by my house. just looking different directions. I wonder if I am making any progress at all? Ive been told I am... i like to think I am... that "Ive come a long way". But sometimes I wonder...

Ive been told I am selfish. I guess maybe i am? I try to be open to other points of view, but rest assured I may not agree, and I wont be shy in telling you so either. I like things to be done "my way" but if your way is better Im sure Ill recognize that. I growl alittle, and roar sometimes...but im pretty harmless. I do not believe in tantrums, or senseless arguing... and find "word games" a waste of time. When im on a project...i should loosen up abit..I admit. Im very task oriented. I wonder ..do these things make me selfish? It is too bad the observer did not offer up some specific examples of this selfishness. It wo uld have helped me to improve. Capricorns Im told need that... be to the point. use the hammer. I wont break. promise.

I try to recognize when someone is in my life for a little while...or a long while...and how to handle it when it is time for them to go. Sometimes they dont handle it well either...only to return, and leave yet again. I say cherish the memories, forget if youc an..the painful ones...and learn. So im not sure if my personaltiy is just.... not compatible with ...another human being? lol. or... maybe I am the monster my ex wife said I was! I dont really think ex wives count...in what they say.... they are not very objective I think.

So i gotta get out of this recliner and get some work done here. so ill tie my own note to this "tumbleweed", and go on about my business.

a pity party...or just a true assessment? Selfish... or... ok. Selfish it is.

Some times I just dont know what to write. I try to question myself, to see if im having a pity party... poor little man in a poor little house... I see myself here in this place ...rather isolated. A man living alone. even my dog is dead. ugh. And I wonder why I have not found a help mate. Ive more or less stopped looking now, but still the question remains. I like to think that I have "come a long ways".. but im beginning to doubt it.  sometimes the journey is hard, sometimes its just boring, but it always seems to be mine.

The last person "inserted" into my life, left with parting words of "your selfish and ..." but did not say how. Now hows a poor dum country clod supposed to learn anything if you dont explain more huh? huh? maybe sharing your inner most sacred thoughts and opinions is not enough. Maybe sharing your home,  your food, your everything... is just not enough. Of course I have strong opinions. I wouldnt be me if I didnt! Im a strong minded dominant man. I lead. I often go alone...but I lead nontheless. I guess I am destined to just continue alone...questioning my own mindsets, and existance. Wondering... why no one is following. I guess maybe I am selfish.  For a long time ive planned, and worked alone. maybe it is just what happens when your alone for years. Doing things my way always seemed quite natural to me. I dont often live up to others expectations... but i do live up to my own.  Maybe ..if while Im doing that, i can be someone or something that someone else can admire or respect... and  if not... ill just keep  going forward. What choice is there? Lay down and die? Crawl under a rock? Tried that... not my style. Id rather roar around here.

So.. onward we go. we. i guess Me and God is we. Sometimes its windy, sometimes its cold, sometimes so so hot. but always always...its just us. People come and go. For various reasons. But it seems they always go. They are coming less often now...but ...I guess I should stop watching for the one that does not leave. Is this self pity? or just assessing the situation realistically? Since i have no one to talk to here...ill just tie my own note on my own tumbleweed...and call it done. then therell be two crazy people on the prairie. now if I could only have a little bit of rain Lord.... seems fitting now.

there are some times...when you should not blog I guess.

flash from the past... focus on the present... let the future be .

Tonight..at 4 am..i find myself in a familiar place. but not one I wanted to be in really. Found a tumbleweed today. Nice. brought a smile to my face. smiles are good. Ill take one when i can make my face into one...they are brief, but seem to help somehow. I read the "note" of a woman growing and learning more of herself, and having good experiences.

Today I was shocked to see "her" behind the barn. I dont go behind the barn, but even though I was with "someone" special... I saw her anyway. she just appeard. standing int hat place... where we took a picture. or rather she took one. It was quite a shock. I think..that I covered it well though, even if my g/f is very perceptive. I again turn to God and ask that I not be defined by my past, or by what someone else says or does to me. I am not quite sure why He has not taken her out of my mind and heart to the point where I am not brought to my knees when I go through my day. Maybe I have not prayed enough lately.

So.. today I watched the sunset. I am still praying for rain. Part of me says load up the cattle, and sell sell. part of me says sit tight... you can still have hay this winter. I am blessed... with good people in my life. People who understand me, which is no small feat, and encourage me. Im in a protected place I think. I need to make old things...really old... old feelings, old ideas, old love, old heartache, old memeories, and the old me. .. and the new things...be really new. Even though they are not... if I see them with new eyes...they can be like they are new. New refreshing sights, thoughts, feelings...etc. Like a sunset...each one is new.

ok i still have not mastered the art of putting these pics where I want them to appear... my teacher disappeared before my challenged mind grasped this concept. but pretend the sunset is wehre I talked about sunsets, and the boots are where I talked about being blessed with good friends. so there.

I have many other things going on in my life... well ok not many,, bu tsome... But Ill avoid making this a Facebook update, or a diary. Just wanted to share how one can live from day to day, and still be stuck in something they are comitted to not being in! ugh.  whats the word... Discombobulated! heard that on tv ... seems to be me. i think its a real word... frustrating It hink it means...

Ive enjoyed the moments of peace. I thnk peace comes in moments. I remember a time when it was just there all the time. but Ill take the moments for now. Minutes of the sunset or the sky doing something so big and so beautiful, im not sure why the whole state hasnt stopped what they are doing and stare in wonder...as I do. the pretty red wild flowers I pick on the side of the road to put in a jar on the kitchen window sill, even though they only last a couple of days. when ducks fly overhead..quacking..., when a baby calf bucks and plays. But to often peace is overshadowed by confusion... now I know who brings peace. and I know who brings confusion. different sources. So I will continue to surrender the things I cannot understand..and just trust that I am not supposed to understand them yet. And focus on the peace moments. maybe they will turn into peace days, or peaceful ...years...

Age brings many things... pain... but also an experienced kind of viewpoint of how the world is .. and how my world is....I ve discovered I cannot climb a ladder all day and not hurt. and my right knee does not like it either. Hips hurt in a way that make me walk like an old cowboy. I bet I look like live rode along ways. ha. But it is important to remember that I am who I am... because of the things ive experienced in this age thing. this is more of a blah then a blog huh. lol. I know I am in a transition.. andI really have never liked transitions much. lets move on! I am praying a selfish prayer... that IF God will not take "her" out of my mind and heart... then He will make me appear in her mind and heart ASMUCH as she is in mine. then I can plague her too. ha. I mean... then she can have the chance to umm experience things as I do. yeah.

it doesnt matter what I miss. It matters what misses me. Ill be more watchful for tumbleweeds and notes. and I will trust that what happens is supposed to happen. now ride on and stop whining.

workin thru stuff.

sometimes the things you think will be easy are just not so easy. the other day, my "helper" sam and I were unloading a piece of plywood from the trailer, trouble was..it was under several other pieces of siding... the siding was all tied together with some of that string that home depot uses. well i decided to just jerk the string and try to move the whole stack of siding off the plywood.. and presto. Course the string broke, and Sam told me all she saw were my legs in the air... i fell right off the trailer over the fender... the plyers I had in my back pocket ..made my butt cheek numb after I hit. I was thinking..hmmm...im getting to old to fall off of this stuff. Ive fallen off horses, tractors, a couch, a woman (dont ask). and now a trailer. I guess there are times when you just have to work together, and remove each piece one at a time before you can get to where you want to get to. Seems to be that way in life too..... I keep trying to jump on the short cut bus, but it turns into the short bus...and first thing you know im doin it the long hard way ...

life never tells you straight up..what to expect. today was very windy.... sometimes its really cold. seems march is a "wild card" kind of month. So im glad my butt cheek is normal, and i didnt break anything, and i will not jerk on tie down strings again. just work thru it. i guess working through things is just part of my jourmey. that old tractor served me well. ..and yes i fell off it too. im glad the newer one is lower to the ground. not so far to fall! Its hard to know....or admit....that you have a "thing" to work through... but.. hey, im getting better at it.

now lets take a walk in the wind, eat some chocolate and go to bed. perfect.

its a conspiracy.

last night I decided to get a new ecliptical machine. it weighed a ton...and the walmart guy they drug out of the back of the store to help us... stunk with BO! but we got it home... and I drug it thru the front door. It should have dawned on me then... that this might be an underground movement by Dr. Evil and nazi people to kill me from within and "make it look like an accident"... but it just didnt. that short bus syndrome again. ugh. So i drug it in... and got the  box open. youll nevre believe it...there was 1000 parts in there. all individually wrapped. It finally did....dawn on me... that something was just not right. After I got all the parts unwrapped and organized..(the capricorn in me).. it then took me about 2 hours, some cussin... some prayin.. and toward the end...I think ...i saw that swatstik nazi Dr. Evil symbol... stuck on the machine somewhere. So... i slept... dreaming of evil bad guys with skimpy gay mustaches (hitler) trying to make me exercise. When I awoke I was determined NOT to let this spooke me. after all..I spent a ton of cash on this. you know...50 yr old... weather getting better... get al buff. make the ol ticker get better and all that. So.. I got on the thing and selected "weight loss #1". NOT a good idea. i survived it... and now ill inhale all the  ibprofen I can find....im learning though. tomrrow Ill have a towel, and some water before I get started. wont be long, and Ill completely dominate this !! yeah! *roar* yeah.

ok. now back to reality. The weather is changing...then changing again.... I struggle with letting go of the past.. something about true love last forever, and stupid romantic shit like that. I pray and wait.... and I try not to be negative. I expect...ill at some point... get used to being alone. Maybe I can get another stupid dog someday. maybe one that will not headbutt a truck going down the road. So ..lets see. what else is new.. hmm. oh thats right...nothing. country boy...dirt road... but great sunsets. maybe I can learn to sing on this kareokee thingy, and become some kind of famous youtube movie star. yeah.

Still no tumble weeds....

rose colored glasses.

tonight was such a clear beautiful night. the sky was so dark, and the stars were so bright. I found my star immediately. as i looked and felt the ever present wind blowing my hair... I thought of my life, and my past. It seems easier somehow to think of my pain rathe rthen my laughter. im not sure why that is. But anyway.. I thought of past dreams that did not come true. there I go again. thinking of the dreams tha tdidnt come true, instead of the ones that did. ha. The biggest one is the dream of "her". I had a dream girl once. I wore the prettest rose colored glasses you ever did see. I swear the was not one chip on that white pickett fence. I spoke to a friend tonight... because I could not sleep, and she workds nights... so she was up. An artist. A good friend and woman...(who wont come w/i 10 miles of me! lol) and she advised...to wait. She said things like.." shes out there.... dont settle... youll see....she will make you forget the past....." I guess the world needs an artist. so creative and passionate. I do not believe "she" is out there. stupid dream. I had one dream girl. it was enough for my lifetime. If I knew another one, she might kill me off the rest of the way. lol. Maybe the next one will do it quicker and less p;ainfully. for now, Ill try to focus on being p;ositive, and remember the dreams that did come true. lets see now... what are they. I knwo they are there.

Watching for antoher tumbleweed. Dont see any in sight. I miss those. Some people.. have words that just melt you. Sometimes you ... just want to be melted. maybe the next tumbleweed will have some of those rose colored glasses attached. ha. Im not wearing them though. never again.  Some plans evolve so slow, i never see them.... until they happen. sometimes thats good. sometimes.... not so much. 

Wine and horses.

dont you hate it when  you try to communicate with someone that is just drunk?  drunk texting, drunk facebookin... and just plain ol drunk phone calls. i wonder if they think you don tknow? Im amazed at how long it takes me to get my rose colored glasses off, and just look and listen...for what they are saying. or if it makes sense. ..or if the words are slurred so bad I cant freakin understand them!! maybe I could issue a ticket... you know. TUI ...texting under the influence? or maybe add a fine to their phone bill... for slurred talking. you know its hard to be sexy ...when you have to ask what ? what? speak plainly!!  I was told.."but Im cute".. yes. you are. so are baby tigers. But they will eat you later. Wine seems to be the thing with the ladies. wine and horses. wth? i dont have a thing against either...but comon. how about some common sense? at least they dont drink and ride the horses...

well its so windy here...tonight I took a walk as I usually do. I viewed the hen house, and the "cafe" .. which is just alittle shelter I put th e chickens food out under. I remember who was with me when tha thappened, and what we named it. I do not understand how things can change so much in just a matter of days, weeks or months. I thought that things of the heart were much more permanent. As i walked, i noticed many more memories...they seem to appear before my eyes in each place I looked. From flower beds, to watering systems, to the green gate, to painting this and that. I think if I would have had a glass of wine i might of drank it myself. ha.  I talked to God as usual .... i guess I dont get to keep that "puppy in the window".. ever. not ever...i just get to pet them. have a few good memories... and watch them disappear. wheres the wine? lets text somebody and see how long it takes them to figure out its just drunk text sext talk?

ok david letterman. make me laugh. do soemthing.

times and what they are to us...

well. its been a few days since I wrote. I found a tumbleweed today...and read the message. Im glad Im not the only person that hurts and has bad days. My internet is finally fixed! yep, i can actually answer email, and download this page!

I had a week of trying times and much frustration. A week of mistakes, and a true sense of loss. before this.. i lost my best friend. ol sparks got run over by the only stupid truck that came down the road all day long. I guess God wanted that dog...or ...didnt want me to have him anymore. I was grateful to have him for the two years I enjoyed him. Ive off the merry go round though.... off all single sites, and not a date for two weeks. I dotn even have a date lined up.

sometimes you wonder why things happen the way that they do. .. to often we cant figure it out, because we want what we want to happen...in fact we wnat it so bad that we lose sight of why ...these things are happening? make sense? So harvest when it is havest time, and plant when it is planting time. and the other times... seem to be waiting times. Im not real high on this waiting thing.

but oh well. as for now, i think ill go to prairie kitchen and get me soem biscuts and gravy, and eggs. yeah. and coffee. yeah.

just a swingin..

Today was a beautiful day. Sunny... and not too windy. I checked the fence lines on the 4 wheeler , and sat in the metal swing i hung long ago in the woods. its over sees a pasture... and faces west. I used to sit there and watch the sun set...and with luck sometimes see a deer crossing over. I looked up as I have often done, and looked up through the branches in the tree. I remember so many times before seeing the different sights ..as the seasons changed. sometimes it had leaves, sometimes the skyh was gray. Today... no leaves, but a nice blue sky. I watched as clouds rolled in and obscured the sun, and the day darkened. I noticed the sun rays shining downward from behind them, and the coolness of the wind  as the evening approached.  I sit .. in the middle.... of something.... i know not what.... and I wonder... when to get up and leave, and when to just sit still and listen and learn. I hear everything....the wind, the grass blowing... the birds that are singing. But I do not hear my voice of direction. I hear memories of the past.... they are always with me. It is too bad that my life has become a batch of memories, with no apparent meaning.  I cleaned my  house today. yes I said I cleaned it. and put my late dogs bed and toys away. It was a sad time. but it was my time. so I am still wondering and stumbling along... about what I am to do next. just sit here on this 65 acres...in the middle of nowhwere.... doing my quiet country thing alone? or ...sell it all.... and be ready to move. to leave. and then what.... im wondering what if anything will come next. Maybe life will change..sometimes it does.

Until then, I will watch and learn. soak up wha tI can..tha tis positive, and push away all the negative energies of my life.  im just a swingin..... wheres charlette at??

valley week.

well its been a rough few days. said a good bye to some special people... and my dog died too. rough week. yes ol sparkys done went and played with a moving truck. I got him all scooped up and buried out  in the pasture. Its a much quieter home now...im still thinking i can glue all the hair he lost in the house, and maybe make a whole nother dog. I also emailed an old lover.... and told her id can finally be "just friends" with her.. and was told...i dont think so. sigh. hard to believe i used to pray with her morning and nite over the phone, and love her with all my heart. now throw in one little disturbance at work...and you got my week.

wish I could find my tumbleweed .... but lately there is not been one ....

I had a birthday dinner with my oldest today. im so proud of her.

i am just to tired to get too deep or write too much. but i can say this ....in all that has happened this week, i miss one sexy peaceful voice in my ear. but for reasons I cannot go into here, i cannot hear her now. but I miss her words. I hope her worlds is more at peace now...then it was the last time i heard her voice.  Some people can write so well...and speak so well. I can write and speak, but ... just from a slow boring country life point of view.
mama said thered be days like this..thered be days like this...days like this.....

people, hope, and another day.

My bones are weary. My spirit is tired. I think i have a pretty good front though. Some of my closest friends cant even tell. If I closed my eyes, i would see the fog rolling in again... the wind blows alittle to hard.. and im standing on a hilltop alone... my duster blowing in the wind.. my head down.. cant raise that brim up ua know. its not cool to go chasin your hat. So there I stand ...in my mental image...seeing , but feeling too. the cold bite of the wind.  the tired feeling i get when Im just tooooo tired. And I stand there, and leave just alittle hope in that spot. because I know people are just not waht they seemed to be. It would be nice if they were, but they are just not. Maybe some of them want to be, but their actions just overload their words. They just do not match up. But I can slice up the little hope I have left  in very small pieces. I still have some, but alittle bit of it will  just stay here on this hill. And when I open my eyes, my reality will appear again, and I will mask my bitter disappointment with the strength i still have left. Im used to it. my mask is in place again... and no one can tell who I am exactly...

As darkness comes, and I reflect the day... i talk to God. I ask why I cant see people they way they really are. from the inside out...instead of from the outside in. And I try not to feel. because when I do, i feel the losses. the sense of ....needless heartbreak. the bitter bitter disappointment. who needs a dream? or a dream girl? who needs any of it? I cant help but see the beauty of His handiwork...as the sun sets. and Im grateful. I really am. There was a time not so long ago, I would not have even noticed it. I see the swirls and colors. I sure hope you have a plan for me Lord. And if it is more lonely hilltops, I suppose youwill give me enough hope to leave alittle here and there. maybe someone else will find them...and pick them up. hey maybe Im planting hope for someone else. If so, this is not so bad ...Ill just watch the sun go down. and embrace the darkness. goodnite world.

a reason, a season or a life time...

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.! LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant . Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.............

Another Days Journey

 the ground is uneven, it usually is. I just seem to continue on. the sun sets..and I feel the weather change alittle. its alittle cooler and i feel a breeze that sends a chill to my bones. its this way everytime. I wonder what I will see that is different this time ?  tonight I will camp, and try to stay warm. the fire is here... and I hope to maybe find something left over in my bags to eat. Im not very hungry, I am just hungry for something i must learn. I feel if I dont learn it ..I will be forced to continue this journey...possible forever. The flames feel good, and as I sit, i think of what I have learned this day. I notice my wounds are only bleeding just alittle. This is a good thing. Ive often wondered if I could just bleed to death, but so far it has not happend.

The morning brings a bright sunrise... beautiful. But dont look at it very long, elseyour eyes will hurt. Todays travel will maybe encounter something new... a new sight, a new trail, a new experience. It may bring rain, or fire, or even blood. hows that song go? "ive seen fire and I ve seen rain, ive seen sunny days I thought would never end..ive seen lonely times when I could not find a friend...but I always thought Id see you again".  you know the way it goes. And I look at the sunrise again...

I look forward to todays journey. Let healing begin, the bleeding stop, and the joy from within shine again. maybe I ll find another tumblweed with another loving message in it today.

not a dream girl.... a real one. Let her come....

"and Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from looling after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: they people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest,will I die, and there will I be buried; the Lord do so to me, and more also,if aught but death part thee and me." Ruth 1: 16-17

For just today... think of her heart. what is she like? what is her insides about? Is she true, and pure? When she smiles at you does it light up  your world? Do you adore the way her eyes twinkle at you ? Can you tell when HER heart skips a beat? She walks across the room... and bends down kisses my ear. she whispers... "I love you" and walks away. yes I look at her ass.

how peaceful it is. how wonderful it feels. like a soft rain under a beautiful rainbow. promises of never inflicting pain again to you...but having the thing that nourishes your world. your body. your heart, your spirit. Is this "one day over the rainbow"?

It is my world because I want it to exist. someday it will. and I will not dwell on the past. I will have someone that wants me...just the way I am today. they adore me now. not in some dream world. They want to be with me wherever I am at because they love me.

update and life

Well..im sure that the people that used to follow my blogs will not find me here. I used to post and blog regularly on myspace, but when it changed...I just went to Facebook.. and now here I am. So I will not blog here.

I have nto written a blog or teh way my day went in quite sometime. about a year I guess. In that time, i reunited with my california dream girl.... and have been dumped by her yet once again. Im learning a new way of thinking, and a new way of life.  I am ready to accept life alone, if that is what God has for me.

i give a special thank you to my very special "prairie girl" whos letters I have taken from her tumbleweeds, and melted over her words. perhaps...someday, ill melt over her lips. I plan on it.

18 gears vs 30 years

Jul 5, 2010

18 gears vs 30 years

I so remember the days of my  youth...when I rode a bike for so long. I sure got my moneys worth out of that old otasco Flying O 10 speed. Ive learned alot about todays bicycles, but thats another story. I decided ill get me a cheap bike, and get back into shape and I can feel the wind on myface again...the way I used to. Peaceful. I used to ride when I got home from highschool, until dark every day for years. I rode well into my 20's. Some of my best memories ...so. off I go. got the walmart $88 mt. bike... woo hoo.  I hopped on it as soon as I could and took off down my dirt road. Now its alittle over 2 miles to the paved road...and its 1/2 mile to the "T" down the road... and I made it about 100 yards. lol. not to the T. lol. i thought I was going to die. So I googled this situation, and made adjustments. Raised the seat.... discovered there are 18 gears, not 6.. lol. and tried again. ive made it to the T...but yesterday I decided my mission was to make the pavement 2 miles away. My AZZ hurted with every freakin bump. apparently my butt was made of tough leather when i was  younger... maybe it was due ot the butt whuppins I got withthe wooden board i used to get in HS... I dont know. Maybe I should google "hurtin bike butt"? I think  I will. I noticed my heart was workin harder then I remember it... and I sweated like a pig in church. wait. ..thats not right. a ...well. anyway... I did make the pavement. but was afraid to go much further on the smooth pavement. I was noticing every hill, and could just see myself calling 911 ...help I cant get this freakin bike home again. ..Ithink Im gonna die. (and my azz hurts) So..i turned around. I figuired although its uphill mostly on the way back,  and its been 30 yrs since I rode...hey this dang thing has 18 gears right? the one I rode back then was only 10 speeds. well I used every gear and wished I had more. But I did make it back w/o pushing or having a seiszure. I thought about 911 though. I took a pic when I got back, and i think you can see the hurt lines in myface. what do you think? any suggestions? my goal is to get back into riding shape. Im open to suggestions.