a window of time...

the moment has been frozen in time... it stands still, as though nothing can effect it. Its a small window of time..when everything seems to stop, and you wonderi fothers can feel it too? In this moment  you feel so much, and notice so many things.. your heart gets still...the world is stopped. your in between the ticks of the grandfather clock...in between your own heartbeats. You hear the things around you so well, and more then that, you feel so much in such a short time. It will be over soon... so what do you do in this short moment? Feel, soak up, wonder? pray.... hurt....so many things within your power. You remember everything... the way she smelled... the way she laughed. and her, and her. ha. and memories.... they cannot all fit. So you funnel the ones that hit you the hardest... after all, its only a window of time. In this magical instant, your spirit within you is quiet, and you recieve whatever there is that is knocking on your hearts door.  You wonder about your direction, but not for long. For you know that not everyone can feel this, or even know what your talking about.

and then the next heart beat sounds within you. And it is over. the tv is noisy again, and real life is back. you hear a text. and the dryer buzzer goes off. but in your mind, just for a moment...you can still feel how it felt.... to be....in a window of time.

it is what it is.... what will you make it?

Im feeling that feeling again. when my mind slows to barely real life... and dwells in some past thought or memory... triggered by a smell, or an email or something. Today I recieved an email from an old "friend".  Since then I have been busy but thoughtful. Today was a good day, but i had trouble getting started. it happens when you dont sleep well, and get up at 5 am.  Sunrises out my front window are always symbolic of a new beginning ...to me.

So i made it to town, then back home. I worked on that stupid engine again... ran 2 tanks of fuel thru it. but it is still dirty. Someday itll run clean again. I piddled around. Its funny how the place changes. I think of how it looked a year ago. and who I was looking at it with.... maybe two years ago. and now.  All kinds of little things that go bump in my mind. So i sit and watch, and wait. Im getting better at it. I am becoming more content doing it. 

Im sorry tumbleweed... i know  you miss ranger. I have missed sparks too. I hate how an animal can affect ones life so much. I know they are going to die. I guess I am supposed to enjoy them, or learn from them, during the time I have with them. I guess I am supposed to do th esame from people. Maybe animals can teach us many things ... about people. or ... just be there to give hugs. I wonder why God made them shed? dang theyd be perfect if they didnt shed hair.

So life goes on. Each day begins. in almost the same way. and each day ends in similar fashion. the sun fades, and shadows creep in. the temp drops... and my body and mind slow down. Thats when it gets harder. So... I do my work. I eat. i get thru the day. I think of them. those in my past.  sometiems I pray for them. sometimes I just wonder what is going on with them. I wonder what i learned, or what they learned from "us". I wonder about where I came from, and where I am heading.

Soon I will paint the "happy room". It will be strange. It will be new. sealing the past. and preparing for the future. Maybe thats what animals , projects, and all that is about. I will try toenjoy what God has for me today. and i will allow tomrrow to come. when it does... I will enjoy that too. with one leg, or with one arm. or with two. its hard to two step with one leg though...

Sometimes... the ride is slow, and sometimes very fast. either way...  Let it be. Just let it be , and enjoy it.

what imprint will your shadow leave, when your gone?

its the new year. i guess it will come with all the things the last new year came with. the promise and hope of new love, of new adventure, of ... well I dont know. of something good  I hope. and maybe some of the bad too. Ive watched the comments on FB... and ive seen the bdays come and go... but at the end of the day... there is just me and God, and the little things that never go away. those little things that you never think about. like wind in your hair, sounds of locusts singing at night..a sunset. many little things like this. And sometimes, as I sit here... alone, day after day, night after night, I feel like im on an island... and I feel this thing inside of me.. and it makes me stop. just stop. and I fall to my knees and talk to my God. Its a strange but familiar kind of feeling. Its like when you see something...so awesome, that it takes your breath away. And you remember it forever. Its that kind of feeling. And you wonder why ... but Im glad.. that I do..remember that is... when that rock skipped 5 times o the water... when I saw hundreds, maybe thousands of fireflies on lit up on th eground at once... when I pulled that big ol baby calf, and things like that. These things bring peace and smiles. I love those things. Then there are other things.. that I choose not to spend as much time remembering. like goodbyes. each time ..i wondered if I would ever hear your voice again. like funerals... and endings. I hate all of those things. But maybe you cannot have new beginnings without endings. vicious isnt it? I wonder if happiness...true happiness can exist without any form of heartbreak?

My heart feels something... something that I cant put into words. My existance is something that I cannot explain... and I attempt at best to fullfill some kind of purpose that I am designed for. My time here on earth is marked. And I am not sure that it will be remembered but by a few, and for a limited time. So I will try to enjoy each heartbeat, and each breath. and all those little things I mentioned before. little blessings can add up i guess. So with this new year, i will not forget, the things i  have left behind. the people that have left me behind... those that are unworthy to share my thoughts, and also those that have touched my heart and changed my life. I will focus on hope. and maybe if God allows it, I will experience a life time type of love that I can share with another. I will hope for more little things. a sparkle in someones eyes, a giggle. a red bird. the sound big rain drops make when they hit the barn roof.. and that I will be able to notice them all. and maybe some little thing I can do or say, will make some kind of little difference. like the imprint of a shadow... once your gone. Will you make more of a difference then that? or will my life just pass like a shadow, with no real difference in this world?