to be me.

what its like to be...me. to feel ...the things I feel and think. I guess this is hwat I have been trying to do...since I started blogging about life. my life... my thoughts... the things that have changed.

I have noted many changes in my life time. From the way people treat each other, from technology progressing. From using "nigger" as a house hold word, to being treated as a minority ... from having a party line and dialing with  a rotary phone... to having a cell that accesses almost everything.

I was sitting yesterday on the patio enjoying a mornign cup of java...and said..."theres my cow"...but it wasnt MY cow....and so i got up and took the 4 wheeler out to check fence lines... all the fences looked good, but MY cow i could not find. maybe mine morphed into a younger one.  maybe I should follow it and see what its drinkin...and drink alittle myself. lol. course...it changed its color...not sure Im up to that...but hey I wouldnt be the future minority either. The triple digit weather has been about 55 days now...and everything is burnt to a crispy crunch. I think the grasshoppers are starving too.  As soon as it breaks...ill finish the house...paint. and start my winter chores. At least I wont have to put out hay. Unless I cant find the lone mysterious cow that tried to kill me when  I loaded the rest of them up. Im keeping a look out for my hotshot prod.... and my trailer is still being repaired. I hired a guy to put the floor in.

My mind has such trouble moving forward...getting bogged down in the past and seemingly stuck. My goal is to figure this out...at my age, I should have learned it by now. but ...short bus dont go there.

This life makes me wonder what things will be like in another 100 yrs. It will be a curious thing. but I will be glad not to be here to watch mankind poison the earth more and more....its like watching your kid make bad decisions....and be too stupid to learn from them.

my blogs are alittle boring lately.... i will either stop altogether....or find something funny to write!

happy anniversary.

yesterday.... never did seem so far away... my thoughts of you, and the way you loved me. now today.... im not sure you were ever real, my idea of you and the way i thought you loved me. Tomorrow now... I wonder how... i will receive your memory.. if you well disappear completely into something I used to call reality... but may question its existance then.

perceptions.. arent they just a form of reality? your image...was real to me once. Now its just something I remember. But explain this pain... is it the realization of something that was so important...never actually existing? were you ever real? and maybe it just does not matter. perhaps, my heart and mind are my world. Heart and mind... they seem to transend all time...they know but do not care...and see only to love feel and bare.... everything.

one year ago.... you were so real. tonight...as I sit here alone....in an empty house.... you are not so much...but explain the pain. its my new song. explain the pain...
and no im not smoking crack.

what part is real?

WHAT PART IS REAL? BY D. MCKINZIE

 I live alone in the country. I cut my wood for my heat. I check the fencelines on my metal horse.
I watch ths sunrise in the mornings. I see it set into the night. I havent seen my girls much since my divorce.
I have a lot of time to think here. and a lot of time to feel. I talk to God and ask Him what part is real?

She used to be in my life daily. We talked and texted on the phone. We sent pictures and live talking videos too.    
 Shed fly to see me time to time...and i never felt alone. But I havent talked to her in months, and Im feelin blue...
What parts were real....? Maybe it was a dream. I dont like the way this feels. comin apart at the seams.

I put my boots on just like always.put my work gloves on too.
I see the rain come, and the sun rays, and watch teh sky turn blue.
 I stay busy with my life as it is..I talk to my dog.
pointless days is what it is, Gotta get out of this fog.

Flannel sheets on the bed now. A few pecans on the ground. I saw a turkey, and the next day a deer.
A sick cow now and then. The stars here are so bright. Its a little confusing, but i will not fear.
I have alot of time to think here, and a lot of time to feel. I talk to God and ask Him what part is real?

the reason God made california.

i am not sure if I posted this song or not. when I try to look, this stupid site locks my browser up. so im posting it now. sorry if it is a repost.

The Reason God Made California by Dwayne McKinzie

you were blonde and blue eyed, you were just a little thing
I fell you you darlin,  you made my heart sing.
It wasnt our first rodeo,  you were fifty one, but we felt like teens, kissing , having fun.

You said I owned your body, and youd marry me someday.
We dreamed and talked alot about how our lives would be.
But it was just to far for you, you tried so very hard,
but someday isnt coming I can see.

I thought you were the reason God made Oklahoma, and the way we used to sing it made me cry.
I never thought the day would come when you gave up on us,
but you did, you said I love and goodbye.

you said I  owned your body, and youd marry me someday.
We dreamed and talked alot about how our lives would be.
But it was just to far for you, you tried so very hard,
but someday isnt coming I can see.

I gave up all the women, for a glimpse of your smile
I cn still see you diggin flowers in my boots.
but you didnt believe in me, my country ways and style..
so you went back to your city and your roots.

Its for women like you that God made  California,
so be happy and live your life with him.
Ill be watching sunsets alone,Ill watch for what comes next,
but Ill remember my dream girl and  of "when".

You said I owned yoru body, and youd marry me someday.
WE dreamed and talked alot about how our lives would be.
But it was just to far for you, youtried so very hard,
but someday isnt coming I can see.