The wind. it seems it never stops blowing. you can feel it whip under the brim of your hat. it blows your hair, and seeming blows right thru any clothes you wear. Today is one of those days you cant seem to get warmed up. Your bones are cold. your expression is grim, as you purposely look into the wind..as though you defy it. your not as young as you used to be. you have lived a thousand years. you give a bitter laugh, as you remember the times when you loved, and the times when you though you were loved. One day things are good. the next..things are not. one day your happy. the next... your life is changed. funny how another persons words spoken, can change your whole life in a matter of moments. "friends" need you..when times are hard for them... but they are not to be found when times are hard for you. Reality is as it is...in your mind. maybe. sometimes you can feel your heart harden, as you accept the fact that life is just one day after another. friendship is a front. they are just people..selfish people... playing a role. and expectations. lets not forget them. so many spend so much time caring, and living up to others expectations. I wonder why? Ive never understood this. For some reason they feel this need. Maybe it is how they feel accepted. *shrug*. I dont really need to feel accepted. Acceptance comes and goes. just like everything else. the bottom line is... you do what you do because you want to do it. not for others. .. or for what you will get. you do it because it is for you to do. it is who you are. Sometimes in life you have to be distant. sometimes cold hearted. being warm and fuzzy is not realistic. but I guess there is a time for it. so what realistic? sunsets are. sunrises are. wind ...it always blows. days come and go. open the blinds in the mornings to see the sunshine come in. shut them at night so you wont see the darkness outside. for weeks. for months. for years. Living for your work is a foolish quest...and it is thankless. Then you die, and someone takes your place. there is no meaning, unless you can help the world be better...it will not have a lasting effect.
So sometimes the road is sunny and hot, and long, and sometimes it is cold and snowy. It always seems lonely though. I wonder why that is.
Ive known people that are so social. They seem to attract people, and conversations, mostly they are pleasant. I hear them laugh, and see them smile. I know they feel many of the same things I feel. But they enjoy people. And people enjoy them. I wonder what it is like to be so liked? To have people see you, and cross the room just to talk to you? I wonder if they feel alone. probably not. but I think they are just as alone as I am. They just have mastered something that I have not.
So you watch. you watch people. animals..you watch situations... you watch life.. you watch the days begin, and the days end. you watch your reflection change slowly as you age. And what is the meaning of it all? To recognize blessings I think... and enjoy them before they leave you. enjoy your season. for your life is just a season. each heartbeat within uncertainty of the next. each breath as ungaranteed as the next. Why spend your limited time in fear, or in worry. or living for others expectations? Go your way. Be your way. Maybe you will stand alone like me... and face the wind down, as you contemplate... or maybe someone will stand beside you, and allow you to laugh with them, and share a few smiles. Whatever the case, be true to you. Be who you are meant to be. Its not a bad thing. And if it turns out that being you is not so good... you can stand alone too. Its the now of it... it is how it is. It will not last either.
So.. new big fat letters. Maybe this will help me to see you better..*evil laughter*. Its finally a beautiful day in oklahoma. No tornadoes blowing people.. literally...away.. no heat waves, nor does the wind blow your logging chains away... its mild, sunny, and a beautiful blue sky with pretty white clouds.
Its a nice 75 deg... and what could be more perfect? I am trying the garden thing this year.. after wrestling my tiller...fixing flats, having one tire fall off! (Yes it fell off. Seems its hard to see that little hole in the axle...when your putting the bolt thru the wheel/axle... this getting old thing sucks. Im not used to having glasses fall down your nose, and suddenly your under a tractor or something, and both hands are tied up...and your blind! ugh!) and alittle engine work....im off to good tilling... Im planted and waiting a month to see something green besides weeds to pop up. I wonder why God made it so hard to grow something to eat? Maybe it had something to do with being thankful.
This month I have heard from both old and current friends. It seems to be a time of remembering the past, and moving forward to the future. Boundaries are a good thing, they keep you safe. My last cat.. blackie died on the front porch. I am sad, but have a momma cat and her litter ready to pick up.. I hope they enjoy their new home.
Sometiems words come to my mind and blogging is easy. ..and sometimes, they just dont come. this is one of those dont come days I guess. So Id best end thisone and start anew later. Heres to new beginnings, spring rains, flowers abloom, and new adventures with new love. heck even old love. can we throw some sex in there somewhere?before Im too old to do it?? okok. I did see a blue bird today. that must be a good thing. Now if 5 more join him, and start flyin around my head..thats a different story... but one is good.
later oh wise blogger thingy....
